Having played like a harem of hungover New Year’s Eve carousers Arseblog News (as suggested by @TheGoonerholic) has little choice but to speculate over what each player drank and did ahead of yesterday’s god-awful draw with Southampton.
Wojciech Szczesny: 8/10 – half pint of lager shandy. Had an early night.
Kieran Gibbs: 4/10 – 70cl bottle of Glen’s vodka. Woke up with his trousers around ankles.
Bacary Sagna: 2/10 – a box of red wine. Drank through till lunchtime before dozing off at 5.30pm.
Thomas Vermaelen: 4/10 – moonshine. Stayed up smoking fags with a random bloke until 4am.
Laurent Koscielny: 4/10 – 5 pints of eggnog. Lost his wallet and keys in the pub.
Santi Cazorla: 4/10 – bucket of sangria with sherry chasers. Tried his luck with a girl, failed, consoled himself with a kebab.
Mikel Arteta: 5/10 – festive sized bottle of Baileys. Woke up on the sofa (hair was still fine).
Jack Wilshere: 5/10 – tray of Jagerbombs. Shoving match with a big fella then puked in a taxi.
Theo Walcott: 4/10 – petrol from a rusting can. Disappeared, yet to be found.
Lukas Podolski: 3/10 – Scheiss beer (lots). Passed out on the tube home, woke up in the depot spooning a tramp.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: 4/10 – tequila slammers. Wistfully called his ex…ten times.
Olivier Giroud: 4/10 – absinthe. Back to his for coffee.
Gervinho: 4/10 – White Lightning. Sobbed alone on a park bench.
Aaron Ramsey: 4/10 – Carlsberg Special Brew. Got his head stuck in a bin.
Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.