Dream summer for Arsenal?

53

Arseblog News can exclusively reveal that Arsenal are planning a summer cull of ‘inside sources’ at the Emirates following a raft of articles featuring quotes from shady individuals who may or may not exist.

The measure, which is understood to have received the full backing of Ivan Gazidis, will see a two-pronged taskforce attempt to cleanse the club of suspicious staff at all levels while also targeting the minds and meddlesome theories of individuals in the media.

Taskforce 1886, led by Dick Law, will see all paid members of staff undertake a series of complex psycho-analytical tests to deem whether they are fit to remain on the books. It has been suggested that part of the procedure will include the monitoring of an individual’s heartbeat while they look at a series of pictures of Stuart Robson looking flustered wearing only a range of merino wool sweaters.

It is expected that up to 65% of employees could be sacrificed with the remaining 35%, including all first team squad members, sent on a rehabilitative team-building course led by Bob Wilson.

Taskforce 2004, led by Ken Friar, is thought to be a far more ambitious project centering on the implementation of technology first seen in the movie Inception. The underlying aim is to ‘extract’ the thoughts of journalists who don’t have actual ‘inside sources’ but instead rely on their imagination to come up with stories. Fleet street hacks will be targeted first although it is believed Friar would in time like to target all media sources listed on news aggregators and then everyone #ITK on Twitter.

The gadgetry needed to successfully burrow into the cognitive senses has been funded almost exclusively by £150 million ‘warchest’  which supporters had hoped would be spent on various high-profile summer signings. Arsene Wenger’s salary will remain untouched although all other playing and coaching staff will have to donate 20% of their future earnings to help fund future expansion of the project.

Sebastien Squillaci is understood to be playing the Leonardo di Caprio role, while Andrei Arshavin and Marouane Chamakh have been drafted in to fulfil the parts played by Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Christopher Nolan’s hit 2010 blockbuster. Arsenal Ladies newly crowned Women’s PFA Player of the Year, Kim Little, has been approached about playing the love interest.

Should the Gunners prove they can nip ‘lazy journalism’ in the bud it is thought several other clubs will follow their lead. Manchester City, Chelsea and Paris Saint Germain are all thought to be keeping a close eye on developments with their respective owners eager to bend the technology to reprogram the minds of new supporters purchased on the black market.

Reflecting on the drastic plans, one nervous inside source, who we believe has only a few days left in the job, told Arseblog News:

“Gazidis has always been a great fan of Machiavelli’s famous work ‘The Prince’ but it’s only since reading Simon Sebag Montefiore’s biographies of Stalin that he’s decided that a full-on cleansing of staff should take place at the Emirates.

“He also watched Inception on the way back from one of his monthly holidays and thinks it could work really well. In time he hopes people will call him Ivan the Terrible.”

Arseblog News is naturally a little nervous about the plans we’ve EXCLUSIVELY revealed, but can’t help but think that the end to ridiculous non-stories is probably worth all the effort…no matter how ethically and morally dubious.

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Telepathic pass
Telepathic pass
7 years ago

Nkt.

Click her to cancel reply
Click her to cancel reply
7 years ago

#IvanTheTerreble, #ScumKroenke die you Thrifty, Greedy, Horny for money shit heads. #LongLiveWengerThough

49eatthat
49eatthat
7 years ago

Watever u smoking I will ve double the doose. I’m having a shity week seems I got get on board with u arseblog.

nop
nop
7 years ago

the fuck did I just read?

Master Bates
Master Bates
7 years ago
Reply to  nop

you must go deeper

Babatunde
Babatunde
7 years ago
Reply to  Master Bates

That’s what she said

Telepathic pass
Telepathic pass
7 years ago
Reply to  Babatunde

I have a dirty joke here.

Johnny was having a bath with bubbles………..bubble was a man.

Telepathic pass
Telepathic pass
7 years ago
Reply to  Babatunde

That’s also what neil patrick harris said!

HitsMan
HitsMan
7 years ago
Reply to  Babatunde

Way to kill the mood, Telepathic.

The Jackall
7 years ago
Reply to  Babatunde

I thought bubbles was Michael Jackson’s monkey. With the ‘i’m forever blowing bubbles’ song as their ode to each other. nO?!

Topeogeds
Topeogeds
7 years ago
Reply to  Master Bates

Hey Master Bates. Are you the under 16 that wrote into the f365 mailbox?

EDgooner4ever
EDgooner4ever
7 years ago

Thanks arseblog! Nice to have a laugh whilst doing my revision haha

Telepathic pass
Telepathic pass
7 years ago
Reply to  EDgooner4ever

For me, the other way round.

I was having a laugh until I read this revision!

Notwritingessays
Notwritingessays
7 years ago
Reply to  EDgooner4ever

I’m certain I wouldn’t be nearly as devoted a supporter if I wasn’t for Arseblog. You never fail to cheer me up blogs! (Or hound). I pity the other clubs who don’t have nearly as intellectual, witty and honest blog as this, and have to suffice with rampant bollocks from Goal.com or the now firmly tabloid garbage from Phil McNulty on the BBC page!

I wanted to say that for a while.

Dr. Silent
Dr. Silent
7 years ago

I KNEW that Gazidis was up to something suspicious.

rossi88
rossi88
7 years ago

Okay that was just some fucked up shit right there. So……what to talk about……well theres stories about van persie coming in our dressing rooms and swapping shirts with theo…….giving us some pointers and telling the boys how well they played. Maybe Van Persie is a genuinely nice guy that wants to see us do well. If the story is true i can appreciate that as long as it benefits us. Its not often your opponents tell you where your going right or wrong. Whatever your view on him is. Im pretty much over it now. Hes got what we wanted,… Read more »

Midfield Corporal
Midfield Corporal
7 years ago
Reply to  rossi88

That’s like your ex girlfriends new boyfriend trying to be all matey with you, in the smug knowledge he’s slipping her some sausage. The only way to deal with that situation is to fuck her one last time then pretend you’re not interested…………if I have a point, which I’m not sure i do, it’s that we need to win something and rub Robins nose in it. My money’s on The Emirates cup!!

Moobs
Moobs
7 years ago

I think that kindof happened, in the sense that Arsenal are the ex, Manure the new bf and presumably fucking her means having Van Persie play for us. So when he made that terrific assist on the Theo goal, it was like fucking Van Persie again – which to my recollection, I have never done.

Frrred
Frrred
7 years ago
Reply to  rossi88

Smile for the cameras! Ever heard of that? Yep that’s pretty much what rvp was doing. Hugging fergie, malicous tackle on mert, to walk into the arsenal dressing room is just out of arrogance. “hey y’all, I won the league!!! In your faces!, how y’all doin by the way”. He didn’t celebrate but don’t let that kid you he didn’t for a second want to remove his shirt and run to the away end fans. Robin is more proud now, I don’t blame him. Seems he made a good personal choice and all the booing, abuse will only get us… Read more »

Master Bates
Master Bates
7 years ago
Reply to  rossi88

If he wanted us to do well he would have stayed not join the opposition…..He’s just rubbing it in

. going with Midfield’s anology ,It’s like your exgirlfriend teaching you how to masturbate ..I am not at this 🙁

Dreamiest
Dreamiest
7 years ago

Too bad for the freedom of speech then, but come on, football never allowed freedom of speech.

Moobs
Moobs
7 years ago
Reply to  Dreamiest
Moobs
Moobs
7 years ago
Reply to  Moobs

I had genuinely put “THIS COMMENT HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE ENGLISH FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION” before that for a shit joke, but it didn’t come up when I posted it.

The plot thickens…

Double Canister
Double Canister
7 years ago
Reply to  Moobs

Or the thick plotten

The Ox, The Ram, Willy and Wally
The Ox, The Ram, Willy and Wally
7 years ago

I guess all of this was revealed by an inside source.

Dick87
Dick87
7 years ago

This piece confused me. Then I woke up. But I was still reading it.

Thankfully, I woke up properly. BUT THAT WAS A DREAM TOO!

twisted cuntloks
twisted cuntloks
7 years ago

blimey it must be quiet arsehound but that is very funny !

danny smith
danny smith
7 years ago

what a shit blog.

RightbackRubbish
RightbackRubbish
7 years ago
Reply to  danny smith

then stop fucking reading it

Santi Claws
Santi Claws
7 years ago
Reply to  danny smith

Fuck off back to Crewe Alexandra then you shit-Scottish-footballer-namesake

jimbobmccoy
jimbobmccoy
7 years ago

More believable than us actually making a signing?

how can i keep calm?! I'm a gunner...
how can i keep calm?! I'm a gunner...
7 years ago

you got me at the photoshop of the squid.

Guna
Guna
7 years ago

While they are at it, i suggest that they also use time-travel technology to transport the players back in time to the era of the invincibles to give them a clue of the real Arsenal

Tom
Tom
7 years ago

Well, that’s 10 mins of my life I’ll never get back..

Pete
Pete
7 years ago

Haha, excellent.

BoogieGooner
BoogieGooner
7 years ago

Lmao! Purchasing supporters from the black market?! #Classic

LANS
LANS
7 years ago

and here I was getting all excited. heh! blogs you got me again…

davonz
davonz
7 years ago

Just heard that the Invincible squad is reforming and playing a match to celebrate the ten year anniversary in 2014. Arsene Wenger suggested they play the present squad in a series of warm up matches. Vieira said they wanted tougher opposition and offered to play 38 Premier league games instead next season. The war chest has been blown open. he he he.

Devil
Devil
7 years ago

Machiavelli’s famous work ‘The Prince’..I’d still prefer Art of War by him. Hopefully next season we’d get to see our team having open bus celebrations..

knudipudi
knudipudi
7 years ago
Reply to  Devil

Art of War was written by Sun Tzu almost 2000 years earlier. I’ve read it multiple times and know it very well. They should put that one as mandatory read this summer. Maybe they’d learn something from it.

TOGooner
TOGooner
7 years ago

It was all very believable until your guy reported Women’s PFA Player of the Year Kim Little agreed to play Squids love interest. Come on man. She wouldn’t be interested.

mertheo
mertheo
7 years ago

hey this should come in the summer!
mad rambling pointless = football offseason 🙂

mertheo
mertheo
7 years ago
Reply to  mertheo

*this post

Silent Stanley
Silent Stanley
7 years ago

Is Squillaci still an Arsenal player?

Yes, so is Bendtner, Arshavin, Santos, Denilson, Djourou, Park…

karthik shandilya
karthik shandilya
7 years ago

Nice post 🙂

goonerluv
goonerluv
7 years ago

I don’t get it

Click her to cancel reply
Click her to cancel reply
7 years ago
Reply to  goonerluv

That could be due to many things a) Not having a sense of humour.
b) being stupid
Or c) Expecting an article about our transfer targets based on the title “Dream summer for Arsenal” and venging the writer for the dissapointment he caused you with dissapproving comments.

rob
rob
7 years ago

what kinda article is this? wtf

goonero
goonero
7 years ago
Reply to  rob

This….is….ArseBLOG!! it’s fucking excellent

abhilash
abhilash
7 years ago

nice to hear such things. But we all know nothing is going to happen.

Eric Irish gunner
Eric Irish gunner
7 years ago

Of subject watched semi hummels is a class defender

Fortune
Fortune
7 years ago

I watched him too. For his age? He is really impressive. For his price? i don’t think so
Besides he isn’t better than kocielny.

wengersauce
wengersauce
7 years ago

Dream summer: quiet nights cuddled under the stars with adebeyor