Arseblog News can exclusively reveal that Arsenal are planning a summer cull of ‘inside sources’ at the Emirates following a raft of articles featuring quotes from shady individuals who may or may not exist.
The measure, which is understood to have received the full backing of Ivan Gazidis, will see a two-pronged taskforce attempt to cleanse the club of suspicious staff at all levels while also targeting the minds and meddlesome theories of individuals in the media.
Taskforce 1886, led by Dick Law, will see all paid members of staff undertake a series of complex psycho-analytical tests to deem whether they are fit to remain on the books. It has been suggested that part of the procedure will include the monitoring of an individual’s heartbeat while they look at a series of pictures of Stuart Robson looking flustered wearing only a range of merino wool sweaters.
It is expected that up to 65% of employees could be sacrificed with the remaining 35%, including all first team squad members, sent on a rehabilitative team-building course led by Bob Wilson.
Taskforce 2004, led by Ken Friar, is thought to be a far more ambitious project centering on the implementation of technology first seen in the movie Inception. The underlying aim is to ‘extract’ the thoughts of journalists who don’t have actual ‘inside sources’ but instead rely on their imagination to come up with stories. Fleet street hacks will be targeted first although it is believed Friar would in time like to target all media sources listed on news aggregators and then everyone #ITK on Twitter.
The gadgetry needed to successfully burrow into the cognitive senses has been funded almost exclusively by £150 million ‘warchest’ which supporters had hoped would be spent on various high-profile summer signings. Arsene Wenger’s salary will remain untouched although all other playing and coaching staff will have to donate 20% of their future earnings to help fund future expansion of the project.
Sebastien Squillaci is understood to be playing the Leonardo di Caprio role, while Andrei Arshavin and Marouane Chamakh have been drafted in to fulfil the parts played by Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Christopher Nolan’s hit 2010 blockbuster. Arsenal Ladies newly crowned Women’s PFA Player of the Year, Kim Little, has been approached about playing the love interest.
Should the Gunners prove they can nip ‘lazy journalism’ in the bud it is thought several other clubs will follow their lead. Manchester City, Chelsea and Paris Saint Germain are all thought to be keeping a close eye on developments with their respective owners eager to bend the technology to reprogram the minds of new supporters purchased on the black market.
Reflecting on the drastic plans, one nervous inside source, who we believe has only a few days left in the job, told Arseblog News:
“Gazidis has always been a great fan of Machiavelli’s famous work ‘The Prince’ but it’s only since reading Simon Sebag Montefiore’s biographies of Stalin that he’s decided that a full-on cleansing of staff should take place at the Emirates.
“He also watched Inception on the way back from one of his monthly holidays and thinks it could work really well. In time he hopes people will call him Ivan the Terrible.”
Arseblog News is naturally a little nervous about the plans we’ve EXCLUSIVELY revealed, but can’t help but think that the end to ridiculous non-stories is probably worth all the effort…no matter how ethically and morally dubious.