Nicklas Bendtner has told Arsenal that he simply won’t leave the club until they assist him to realise his childhood dream.
The Danish striker has told officials that he’ll invoke a clause in his contract which allows for an annual renewal, in perpetuity, unless they help him become an astronaut. Or Action Man.
Sources close to The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived told Arseblog News, “Nicklas could have left any time over the last couple of years, but was determined to push Arsenal into this position.
“The recent discussions with Frankfurt were going perfectly well with everything agreed between the clubs until he made his final contract demand: the club’s mascot was to be changed to a kindly, misunderstood monster made of various body parts who would be called ‘FrankenBendtner’.
“He knew they wouldn’t go for it, hence the deal was scuppered.
“It was the same last year when he was tipped to move to Galatasaray. At the last minute he told them they’d have to convert the Hagia Sophia into a number of luxury apartments for he and his entourage to live in.
“Given how many cutlasses were drawn, it’s a wonder he got out of there alive.”
The source claims that Bendtner has grown disillusioned with football, having achieved everything there is to achieve in the game, and spends his days writing folk-gangsta rap music and prowling the grounds of his private zoo.
“He just wants to go into orbit,” the source continued, “or have that cool thing on the back of your head that makes your eyes move.”
Bendtner’s frustrations have been exacerbated by his inability to convince board members this is the best way for all concerned.
It is understood he tried to call Ivan Gazidis a number of times but found the Chief Executive strangely unavailable while Arsene Wenger has an underling fielding calls as he tries to work out the best way to get other clubs to buy all his transfer targets.
ps – we apologise for the scary headline. We’re sure Arsenal will send Bendtner into space as soon as possible. Possibly on a Chamakh powered rocket with Captain James T Park at the helm.