Thursday, August 18, 2022

BFG: That’s a paddlin’ Jack

Jack Wilshere is preparing his buttocks for a dressing-room paddlin’ from the BFG despite his smokesman…sorry spokesman…insisting that he was just larking around in a moment of boyish tomfoolery when he was pictured suckling on a cigarette outside a nightclub.

A statement from Jack’s representatives, which only just stops short of claiming ‘oh but he didn’t inhale’, claims the England man was solely indulging in a prank despite some rather damning evidence suggesting he likes the odd stogie.

“Jack was with team-mates and friends. One dared Jack, who does not smoke, to momentarily hold the cigarette as part of a prank.

“Jack absolutely didn’t smoke the cigarette, and nor does he condone smoking. Jack is utterly committed to fitness and a healthy lifestyle.

“In no way is this picture an accurate reflection of his attitude towards smoking.”

Playing the role of disappointed parent, Arsene Wenger, who presumably had hoped to spend his pre-West Brom press conference talking about his side’s good form, reacted:

“I disagree completely with that behaviour. I don’t know what happened – I need to chat with him.

“The fact that you can damage your health at home, nobody sees it, you as well damage your reputation as an example.

“English society is very sensitive to smoking, more than other countries. It is more shocking here. I travelled on coaches to away games in France where you couldn’t see each other!”

Asked if Per Mertesacker will be given the responsibility of talking to Jack, the boss made clear: “He’ll get a paddlin’ from Per.”

We’ll have to see how Jack copes with the punishment meted out by dressing room debt-collector Per Mertesacker, although the BFG said he was relishing the chance to play with his weapon of choice.

“Have you seen Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused? Das is what I’m like mit ein paddle in my hand. I get so angry.

“You remember when Chamakh got caught smoking shisha, ja? I dished out the licks with so much gusto. He was left crying in the corner like that two-bob Clive Allen…”

Arseblog News suspects it could be touch and go whether Jack makes it to the Hawthorns on Sunday.

___

Wenger reaction via tweets from @JamesOlley and @MiguelDelaney …except the one we made up.

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Ebouefan

Wenger talks about smoking harming the reputation but has no problems going after Suarez.

arseblog

What?

DöubleDöubleDöuble

Suarez plays for Liverpool.

Everybody in Liverpool is on heroin.

Obvious really.

arseblog

Now that you say it …

Exiledgooner

Scousers can’t afford heroin. I’m reliably informed that their drug of choice is a mixture of paint thinner and brake fluid, forming a crude hallucinogenic known as ‘Mersey backwash’.

masterofthegoonaverse

Mersey backwash is awesome man…….

TomJ

I think what he is trying to say is that he would rather have a reputation as a smoker than a biting racist

arseblog

Well, they’re just as bad as each other.

Obviously.

arseblog

It’s a good job nobody ever tries to be sarcastic online. Nearly 50% of people wouldn’t get it.

AP

Haha!! You’re doing well, still at around 32%…smile!!!

Matt

And that’s a problem because if you disapprove of one thing you obviously have to disapprove of everything?

goonerdal

Okay Jack you’re smoking good on the pitch . let it stop there…..thanks

Rejected

The world as we know it is coming to an end! Why? Jack Wilshere, that smoking good Arsenal midfielder who was also gunning to become pope when he grows old and grey was caught on camera having a puff. Please form an orderly queue by the suicide machine.

BringBackSeaman

not ot mention our best club Captain was a binge drinking smoker. Maybe thats an omen… (maybe not though)

Xanthias

Wilshere’s representatives’ statement is ludicrous, but let’s not make a big deal out of it. Smoking is bad, and probably he deserves a fine, but he’s not addicted (hell, other teammates would have noticed if he constantly sneaked to smoke the odd fag) and, after all, he’s still a hot-headed 22 years old. He can only learn and build from this mistake.

Fergie the Gooner

We all love Jack and would like to think he’s can’t do wrong, but would it have been so bad to say that he was having a good night out after a great team success, had a lapse of judgement and will learn from it? Instead we’ve got a representative’s statement that nobody will ever believe and looks like he’s trying to hide from it.

Pat Rice and Peas

*21 year old

Lukey

That statement from his representatives was just a whole load of bollocks. He just held a cig to his mouth as part of a dare but didn’t wanna suck on it? And some random photographer clicked his picture at that exact moment? What bullshit.

Jasonissimo

Paparazzi get paid to catch moments like that–popular figures figuratively (and sometimes literally) with their pants down–for the sole purpose of presenting them out of context. I don’t find it that hard to believe, really. Not that I really care either way.

DöubleDöubleDöuble

Other Players who smoke – courtesy of some website that came up on NewsNow:

Zidane
Messi
Özil

Smoke more Jack!

Unyoke The Ox

Socrates was king of the smoker/players. Nobody had his grit and determination when it came to getting through 60 a day.

DöubleDöubleDöuble

He was my favourite non-Arsenal player when I was a kid.

My favourite Arsenal player was Kenny Sansom, who is sadly having some major issues at the moment.

Probably not a good omen to be one of my favourite players really.

2013-2014 = 2003-2004

Zinedine Zidane was on 40 a day.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Yeah, but do you know why he always managed to dance around other players? It’s because he would hack up a lump of black tar and gob it on them, the dirty bastard. His philosophy was pretty shit too. It was all just smart-arsed one-liners.

Arsene McCloud of the clan McCloud

He died at 57.

goonerdal

but they smoked while at their peak…..lol

The only Olivier is Giroud

Fooking hell, Messi?! Heh! Feeling much less guilty now for smoking myself. FFS, I’m a student. Yolo.

Unnecessarilystupid

There’s a special place in hell for people who use that idiom. You can smoke away there my friend.

masterofthegoonaverse

I haven’t had a cigarette for 8 weeks, but if you think I am wasting my stash of white widow……………

MAllen

Much ado about nothing, methinks. Wilshire’s gameplay has always been about sheer determination and drive. Criticise him for sometimes trying too hard if you want but don’t ever tar and feather him with the same brush used on Arsharvin and Chamakh

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

But if you do tar and feather him you only need to do the outside. If he smokes he’s doing the inside himself.

masterofthegoonaverse

I haven’t had a cigarette for 8 weeks, but if you think I am wasting my stash of white widow……………

Lukey

Arshavin didn’t smoke, he just couldn’t be arsed to put in any sort of committed effort for the team, atleast we knew what we were getting there.

Jack doesn’t have any problems of that sort. He’d run through a brick wall for the badge. Just a minor situation that could’ve been avoided. He’ll be let off with a nominal fine.

Jack's Right Foot

If Tony Adams could play with a tinny in his hand, Jack can hold a friend’s fag.

Martin

As long as he performs on the pitch I don’t care if he smokes.

AznGooner

The two are pretty directly correlated though. That’s the thing. Otherwise I’d doubt Wenger would give a damn.

Unyoke The Ox

Ozil smokes too. Rambo clearly doesn’t though. Makes me think back to Jack saying how good Rambo’s fitness levels were.

scobie

Honestly, talk about much ado about nothing.

DöubleDöubleDöuble

It is regarded as one of Shakespeare’s best comedies, but I think it’s overrated.

Fatgooner

Me, too. Much Ado About Nothing is my favorite Shakespeare play. But his dramatic works were his greatest, especially Hamlet – that’s the finest play ever written.

Fatgooner

Much ado is my favorite comedy.

puff on a fag

Fatgooner August 20, 2013 at 8:09 pm In a way this is bad news: it would have been better if the Ox’s potential lay-off had been longer. Now Wenger won’t even consider buying an emergency player to cover for Alex. I was just listening to talkSPORT. Wenger gave an interview in which he sounded very defensive and angry. It’s clear that the pressure is very seriously getting to him. Sadly, it won’t be enough for him to even think about resiging – what a shame. I was just wondering what is going to happen over the coming few months. I… Read more »

puff on a fag

How’s this for a comedy? 😉

Fatgooner

Tell you what’s really funny: one of the biggest and best supported football clubs on the face of the planet – and one of the largest sporting businesses in the world – rewarding EIGHT YEARS of failure with an eight-million-pound-a-season new contract to a man who’s about to become a pensioner. It’s also hilarious that some fans now believe that we are a fantastic club which will win the quadruple even though it’s only the beginning of October, and we’ve actually collected LESS points against the six sides we’ve faced than we did in the corresponding fixtures last season. But… Read more »

DöubleDöubleDöuble

Fatgooner, my comment wasn’t a serious appraisal of a Shakespeare play…it was a play on words, a joke.

You know, those fun things that other less miserable people do.

puff on a fag

Oh Fatgooner, lord of facts
with a dash of good sense;

You seem to take offense,
but it’s not entirely obvious how
since I only said that even Shakespeare woud’ve been proud.

be sure, I wasn’t ment to be uncouth
as I’m already looking forward
to some more of your pronouncements of truth.

Arsene McCloud of the clan McCloud

It’s a good cigar, but it’s no corona.

NorthernGoon

I don’t even know why you dignified it with a response. Though I would feel honoured that he’s following your posts to the point he can recall them easily. Right now Wenger looks revitalised and so do the squad. We look strong, stronger than we have in years but it doesn’t mean that you were wrong at the time of your post. If anything I recall a lot of people agreeing with you. We looked to be up that oddly smelling creek again. Me, I’m loving what we’re seeing now and what it’s doing for everyone involved with the club… Read more »

masterofthegoonaverse

I prefer Airplane !

Silverstre for the Ballon d'OR

Especially given that the “nothing” in question basically refers to pu$$y.

ken

Funny reading all the excuses. Tony adams did it back in 89!! Are you fucking kidding? Smoking is pretty retarded to start in 2013 as a pro footballer. And Im an ex smoker

Unnecessarilystupid

You are the worst type of smoker.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

We are the best type of smoker. Smokeless smoking. Much healthier for everyone.

NorthernGoon

Your name says it all.

ChrisM

Just saw this on Twitter

@John_AFC_Gooner: Özil assisted Wilshere in lighting his cigarette! #AFC”

James

I was laughing out loud at his agent’s response. But, I swear, I didn’t, but, then, and….um…yeah. Look! Magic! *Poof*

AP

smokesman…hahahaha!

Rosa

Goodness Jack and his mates sound like real good time don’t they. Hey guys I know! For fun as a prank let’s make Jack hold a cigarette!

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

You should have seen what he had hold of when they gave him a cigarette instead. “Here Jack, put that away and hold this cigarette for me for a second would you?”

Goonertom

Statistically ryan shawcross is more damaging to an arsenal players health than any cigarette. And to be fair to jack, he could have the lungs of a 50 year old coal miner and it wouldnt matter because if you have an ankle made from that plastic they put in milk trays to hold the chocolates in place, your not going to be on the pitch long enough for it to matter. Smoking doesnt make you shit at football, everyone knows some of the best in the world smoke in private. This is all about jacks nice clean image being damaged… Read more »

NorthernGoon

It’s also ridiculously bad for your health and can reduce your stamina let alone all the other effects it has on your body. Who gives a rats ass who else smokes in world football, not only does it effect every person to different degrees but it’s an unnecessary risk to take.

Put simply, an athlete who takes his career seriously should not smoke. You can do all that after you’ve stopped competing and yes I’m speaking from experience.

NorthernGoon

However, in his defense, he is a young lad and importantly he’s one of the lads as well. It’s why he appeals to so many off the pitch also.

If he has the odd cigarette when he’s had a beer then it’s not a big thing at all and he’s hardly going to suffer for it. It only becomes an issue if one turns to many.

Dc

And you wonder why he’s havin a fitness prob after having a full pre season. (Besides his injury problem in the past)

Unnecessarilystupid

Yes, smoking is well known for busting yer ankles.

GunnAlex

Once again I don’t know exactly where the article turns. Like how you always keep us guessing blogs. Helps to have watched a lot of The Simpsons and South Park.

mat

Smoking isn’t a good habit for a footballer obviously but according to his spokesman it’s just a prank , so it’s not a big deal. But if , Jack really does smoke maybe it’s a one off and people shouldn’t judge him badly on this one. Give the lad some chance.

Arsenal-induced Heart Attack Survivor

Okay, its fucking Caught Offside. The internet version of stupid. How these people are allowed to waste internet space till now, I know not…

Mooro

Jack is about to get Das Boot up his arse.

Ifaz

I do think people are making a big deal out of it.

mlh

i had no idea that was ben affleck in dazed and confused.

Tapscotts Testicles

Lets hope its West Brom that Jack leaves dazed and confused on Sunday….

nickmange

He’s entitle to do whatever he desire with his health,please let’s stop ridicule ourself..

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Actually he has to keep himself in a fit state to play football. If he did smoke and it affected his ability to play for Arsenal then he’d have problems with the Club.

WizardOfOzil

Wilshere’s ass is going to be purple before the day’s over.

Klinester

Ordinarily I’d say its his personal choice to smoke or not but if its against the rules at Arsenal, its against the rules and as such he should get punished/fined. If I break a rule at my job I get punished, and it shouldn’t be any different for him just because he’s Jack Wilshere. Hardly headline news stuff but if I was Wenger I’d be pretty irritated.

Also Arsene had a point about your public image and persona, and that directly affects the club which is true, though oddly he wanted to bring Suarez in soooo…..

ArseKickingRob

A dare ? I really don’t care much about this whole story but this is complete bollocks. What kind of dare is that ? ‘I dare you to hold this cigarette for 5 seconds.’ Wilshere is 21, not 12. He was smoking, which isn’t a crime, so just apologize, say it won’t happen again and let’s focus on WBA because no one gives a shit apart from webshites like ESPN or the Daily Mail.
Let’s talk about football lads!

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

“Hey totally unknown guy who is with Wilshire tonight, I’ll give you a 500 pounds if you can get him to stick a fag in his mouth long enough for me to get a photo”

Pete

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Pete

Got ya.

Henners

How old are you?

Bonjour

Nah you didn’t get us, we’re in the same boat actually. We’re just thumbing you down so that your comment will actually get hidden, so that later posters who Click Here To See will be confronted with another Click Here To See. Heh, what a sad life we both lead. (Could be worse could be a spurs fan)

jay

Arsene should stop his pocket money

Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Hopefully this will teach him to be careful what he puts in his mouth when he’s out on the piss.

harry

Wonder how much £`s he now owes Per?
I just pictured BFG holding jack upside down by one leg and shaking to empty his pockets 🙂

greg

I personally don’t care if he smokes or not – as you say, it’s what he does on the pitch that counts. Most of us here are probably all a fair whack older than Jack and have been there, done that, and indeed watched quality players play great football having got rat arsed the night before and having half an orange and a John Player at half time. I personally gave up playing football some time ago so I could concentrate on my smoking. But let’s not forget all the junior gunners who look up to Jack and other players… Read more »

LANS

a certain polish keeper was also caught on camera having a puff

i can see jack’s next goal celebration now, eat your heart out merson / fowler

NorthernGoon

We might be waiting a while…

Uzo_9ja Gooner

Özil

Koss the Boss

Everyone needs to calm the f down. Yes, he is caught smoking a cigarette, but that doesn’t mean he is a heavy smoker. Maybe he smokes one or two when he is bit dizzy from the drinks or just to, you know, take a breath or something. I mean I also take one or two a month, and sometimes I just do to for show, like being cool, but I never got addicted to it… so, I would not really worry about Jack

IncArsenalRated

The guy is paid 80,000/week to stay in top physical shape for Arsenal so that does get me a bit pissed. His response on twitter was pretty arrogant too.

At the end of the day its not a big deal at all. I mean it doesn’t sit well with me but hey he’s an adult, leave him to make his decisions and mistakes, so long as they don’t affect our great club.

puff on a fag

Agree completely. Should strip him off his no.10 shirt, and put the video on youtube. That should teach him.

Skin-up the Arsenal!

NorthernGoon

pass to the right

Sir Ali

Jackie has two kids and now appears smoking. Is he as focused on football as ramesy? He is free to do whatever he wants with his life, but we all wish jackie to be determined to blossom.

Let the thumbs down hit me!

Sir Ali

Jackie has two kids and now appears smoking. Is he as focused on football as ramesy? He is free to do whatever he wants with his life, but we all wish jackie to be determined to blossom.

Let the thumbs down hit me!

jason

“Let the thumbs down hit me!” just trying to get thumbs up by saying this.

Bugs me people are sometimes afraid to speak their mind on this site because they dont value their opinions unless it gets highly liked.

I actually thought the standards of the posts improved on this site when we didnt have the like and dislike option.

chickens

Obviously he’s just itching for a January move. Anyone think a 35M received would constitute good business on our part?

Dr Baptiste

Well, I think I’ve heard everything now. Top of the league, top of our CL group and on a 10 game winning streak. Perfect conditions for forcing a move…….

Ronuja

I love these articles that start out so serious and slowly turn absolutely ridiculous. Keep them coming, please.

jack jack jack

“Jack Wilshere is preparing his buttocks for a dressing-room paddlin’ from the BFG despite his smokesman…sorry spokesman…insisting that he was just larking around in a moment of boyish tomfoolery when he was pictured suckling on a cigarette outside a nightclub.”

Not sure it started out too seriously.

Dr Baptiste

You should see Per’s face, he’s pretty serious

Danny

As soon as Santi is back, Wilshere will be warming the bench.

Arsene McCloud of the clan McCloud

It’s just a smokescreen.

Goonerestgooner

Possible new chant for Wilshere…
“Wenger,
Light him up,
Wenger, Wenger
Light him up”

This also finally provides an answer to the Mugsmashers chairman who asked “What are they smoking over there?”
“Just a crafty ciggie”

Pin Finish

Hilarious! Made me laugh out loud. Giving Jack a whipping for smoking some snout. Come on! Boring

jason

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjaAk6gYXmk

good video but Gary Neville is in it without carrigher so not suprising

Shmoking

This tickled me:

“Jack is a special player, Jack Player Special.
Rumour has it Arsenal tried to sign Chelsea’s striker Demba Ba but a typo meant they ended up with Ten B & H (the two are comparable pricewise).

Another rumour has it they are to sign Rickie Lambert and Paul Butler.

The only reason Wenger doesn’t want Jack smoking is coz he knows the price of cigarettes and that Jack will inevitably need a salary increase to maintain his habit.”

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