Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Arsenal hire new head of sports science

ESPN are reporting that Arsenal have signed a new head of Sports Science … from West Ham.

Andy Rolls will, apparently, begin work next month and comes with a wealth of experience from the Hammers. He’s been involved in such scientific endeavours as:

  • Discovering the critical mass of Andy Carroll
  • The boiling point of Kevin Nolan
  • Splitting Jussi Jääskeläinen’s atom
  • Pasteurising the milk Allardyce expresses for his team to drink before matches
  • Rolls Law of effusion and diffusion in relation to Ricardo Vaz Te
  • The time dilation effect of gravity on Carlton Cole
  • The Pavlovian response of Guy Demel to being left on the bench

He now gets to work in the underground laboratory at London Colney where dozens of Diaby clones are put through their paces to try and find the perfect midfielder. As yet experiments have been unsuccessful with a number of them going ‘rogue’ and having to be put down with ‘extreme prejudice’.

It’s believed a number of these half-formed Diabys escaped the compound and were found as far afield as Letchworth before being captured. Rolls certainly has a big job on his hands when he starts next month.

Best of luck to him.

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broscielny

For the love of God Ivan! Seal the exits!

Gunner From Another Mother

I can’t stop laughing at the thought of Krieger in a lab full of failed Diaby experiments

The Gundertaker

The enduring imagery I take away from this article is that of Big Sam lactating furiously into a saucepan.

Wenger's Fat Wallet

I would like to refer all appreciators of this post to the show Venture Bros. which has plot lines surprisingly parallel to Mr. Rolls’ future work.

james

be realistic man, this is not something to report, we are not kids, be real

Heh

But more importantly when is Archer season 5 on?

GoonTang

It started this week on Monday.

AFC

Now if we manage to get Mr. Royce as well, maybe we’ll be able to fix these deficiencies of the Bentley lemons that we used to produce (ho ho).

ljs

Having been tackled by a half-deformed leering Diaby screaming ‘kill me kill me’ like that scene from Alien Resurrection while I was quietly trying to buy some Sam Allardyce clip-on tackling spurs from JD Sports in Bracknell, I can confirm that the arse’s report is not only realistic, but also likely to save some lives. I will never walk al… err again.

Rectum_Spectrum

you said spurs nah nah nah nah nah

ljs

That is probably why the mutant Diaby tackled me in the first place!

Gunner From Another Mother

Krieger will hook you right up with some bionic legs

Overmars

I’m glad that we are beefing up the backroom staff and the infrastructure of the club.

SPP

To be fair, the reason Arsenal are getting Rolls is because one of the physiotherapist, Simon Harland, is leaving the club.

leftpinky

where’s he going?

Bould's Eyeliner

On an extended leave with a Diaby clone that happened to love theater instead

goonerbynature

*Obligatory signing joke*

Mooro

Ah go on then.

He’s Like A New Scientist.

goonster

You sir deserve every thumbs up you get for this.

cannon & ball

great team effort… Mooro will get all the thumbs up but it came from a fine assist from goonerbynature!

Mooro

Yeah, it was a fine lay off. Couldn’t miss.

Anon

This blog has good mental strength and teamwork.

Heroldgoon

Hopefully he can unravel the mystery behind this phenomenon that is Diaby.

deji

How much do u think we are paying him?

Matt

Messi is the footballing worlds equivalent of Captain America.

Heroldgoon

Yeah so apart from giving messi blowjobs what esle do you do for a living?

Canadian Arsenal Fan

are you saying Messi used steroids? Because I actually think he did because of a growth problem.

teddy salad

Messi took growth hormones, yes. They worked. Think on how small that man would be without them. A flea, me thinks, with a very nice left…foot? Back to the wine. Ahh, Cotes de Roussillion, you win, you always do.

heihaci

let’s hope he can fix Diaby

Ilona Van Casand

Haha, you crack me up!

Max

He’s also performed countless experiments on Lab Razvan Rats

goonerbynature

If we were to sign a certain German attacking midfielder from Dortmund, this time next week Wenger could be unveiling our double signing, Rolls-Reus.

Arsepedant

Brilliant, sir, brilliant!

haters gunner hate

West Ham? The Club struggling massively with Injuries. Good call

Phil Clement

Would you prefer someone who’d no experience of injuries?

haters gunner hate

Someone got out on the serious side of the bed this morning

deji

There’s a serious side of the bed?
How come nobody tells me anything? This is so frustrating!!!

Gutbukket Deffrolla

Yep, and a slapstick comedy side of the bed. That’s the one with the highly polished floor, slippery mats, banana skins, unemptied chamber pots, bags of flour on the end of seesawing floorboards, tin tacks, a wide open window overlooking a barrel of stagnant rainwater, and three Spurs players aattempting to string a couple of passes together.

Daz

Well someone else may as well have a go at fixing diaby, nothing has worked so far

Mikos

Ew, a pint of Full-Fat Sam. Aye currumba.

Gunnerchic

Very appropriate imagery.

Balo

Quite an impressive CV….

the only sam is nelson

but will he be able to explain the mesmetron? or even, the cockroach?

i’m doubting it myself. some things are simply beyond science

indiangooner

Honest question- what does head of sports science do?

@AAllenSport

Helps Steve Bould with the cones.

Comedian

Adds more chemistry between players.

NewUser

^^ .. So that the Chemistry will be so good soon the player’s will be bouncing redox equations. 🙂

D

Lots of things, but mainly he will concentrate on getting every player in “perfect” condition and help prevent them from injuring themselves.

Mimir

You missed designing of long lasting elastic chewing gums for Big Sam.

Heroldgoon

I’ve got some work for rolls here.

What is a grant holt?

Why cheik tiote sacrifices rooster before each match, is it true it works better than lucozade?

Is it true that Mahamadou sakhos sweat is used in candle making and in lubricants?

When cornered Luis Suarez mits a foul smelling noxious musk, causing nausea and temporary
blindness in would be attackers. is this how he ghosts past defenders?

YouTube Graduate

I was hoping for German for this position.

GreekTragedy

The sports science at A level group selotaped me to a pillar and shaved my legs on the last day of school. I also was regularly crippled by them on the rugby field as well as customary wedgies on a bi weekly basis. Most of them went on to be PE teachers, the most insipid, brutish arseholes on the planet. Needless to say, I do not approve of this appointment.

pearson

You sound like a Spurs supporter

Karl

Is it true he’s bringing a stash of anterior cruciate ligaments some of which he’ll staple to Theo’s knee?

Heh

He rolled over at the chance of higher wages didn’t he?

Colneygooner

Found one of the Diaby clones in the garden.
Was gonna use it as a clothes dryer….
But it broke……

RaWeezy

1st assignment – Fixing the zippers on AW jackets!!

Furicivic

To think some poor bloke, working in the labour camp like confines that are the Arseblog news offices, dug this story up from Google then reproduced it with an added element of comic genius all in such a small amount of time. Can’t find better Arsenal news anywhere on the Interwebs.

Charley

probably signed him because if he could make carrol walk he might do same for diaby

Sterling Archer

I just nearly spat out my Green Russian all over my $900 turtleneck!

It Is What It Is

COME OON

ickenhamgooner

I heard that they thought there was success with one of the clones that had the skills of viera, Ronaldo and messi. Alas, it had to be destroyed after it admitted its idol was john terry.

deji

How much do u think we are paying him?

firstblood

This is the greatest news article ever.

GoonTang

An Archer reference/picture? I love this blog more every day.

saltyscotsman

Maybe he can make us an android striker,one who can bionically score us 30+ goals per season!! COYG.

WengersNoseHair

You forgot to mention his cutting-edge work in dental surgery. All part of our cunning plan to lure Suarez to The Emirates.

Gutbukket Deffrolla

…so that we can wire up his foul bitey mouth.

Joe Arsenal

You’re just too funny Mr. Blogs. You’ve made me laugh many times before but this one was top notch. Good on you.

fin

When are we gonna unveil our new tactical turtle necks is what I wanna know?

KenyanArse

Job Description: Bring Back the ghost of Eboue. Amputate Diaby.

Mark

I am not totally up on the laws of the game; can we field human-pig hybrids?

Gutbukket Deffrolla

Liverpool do.

davyboi

Probably was hired to figure out how to activate Park.

Sometimes i’s cheaper to bring in a professional to fix broken players than read over the player warranty for a clause in the terms and conditions to return him to wherever the fuck he came from.

freshogunner

Hope his better Improvement from our last one

Jarl Frantzen

Diaby is one of the best midfielders in the world.
Just think about what Rooney tweeted about him last time he played a couple of games.
So unlucky guy after “that tackle”.

‏@WayneRooney
Diaby is a player don’t know why he doesn’t play more games

Jensen was from Brazil

” Rolls certainly has a big job on his hands ” he is bound to coming from the hammers there is shit everywhere (big Sam, Nolan). Bit of soap and water should get it off.

MJ

I hear he also majored in Placentology.
Walcott is going to be back next week.

duno

Hahahahaha! That was excellent! Warped minds at work here. Hehehe.

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