Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Arsenal hire new head of sports science

ESPN are reporting that Arsenal have signed a new head of Sports Science … from West Ham.

Andy Rolls will, apparently, begin work next month and comes with a wealth of experience from the Hammers. He’s been involved in such scientific endeavours as:

  • Discovering the critical mass of Andy Carroll
  • The boiling point of Kevin Nolan
  • Splitting Jussi Jääskeläinen’s atom
  • Pasteurising the milk Allardyce expresses for his team to drink before matches
  • Rolls Law of effusion and diffusion in relation to Ricardo Vaz Te
  • The time dilation effect of gravity on Carlton Cole
  • The Pavlovian response of Guy Demel to being left on the bench

He now gets to work in the underground laboratory at London Colney where dozens of Diaby clones are put through their paces to try and find the perfect midfielder. As yet experiments have been unsuccessful with a number of them going ‘rogue’ and having to be put down with ‘extreme prejudice’.

It’s believed a number of these half-formed Diabys escaped the compound and were found as far afield as Letchworth before being captured. Rolls certainly has a big job on his hands when he starts next month.

Best of luck to him.

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For the love of God Ivan! Seal the exits!

Gunner From Another Mother

I can’t stop laughing at the thought of Krieger in a lab full of failed Diaby experiments

The Gundertaker

The enduring imagery I take away from this article is that of Big Sam lactating furiously into a saucepan.

Wenger's Fat Wallet

I would like to refer all appreciators of this post to the show Venture Bros. which has plot lines surprisingly parallel to Mr. Rolls’ future work.


be realistic man, this is not something to report, we are not kids, be real


But more importantly when is Archer season 5 on?


It started this week on Monday.


Now if we manage to get Mr. Royce as well, maybe we’ll be able to fix these deficiencies of the Bentley lemons that we used to produce (ho ho).


Having been tackled by a half-deformed leering Diaby screaming ‘kill me kill me’ like that scene from Alien Resurrection while I was quietly trying to buy some Sam Allardyce clip-on tackling spurs from JD Sports in Bracknell, I can confirm that the arse’s report is not only realistic, but also likely to save some lives. I will never walk al… err again.


you said spurs nah nah nah nah nah


That is probably why the mutant Diaby tackled me in the first place!

Gunner From Another Mother

Krieger will hook you right up with some bionic legs


I’m glad that we are beefing up the backroom staff and the infrastructure of the club.


To be fair, the reason Arsenal are getting Rolls is because one of the physiotherapist, Simon Harland, is leaving the club.


where’s he going?

Bould's Eyeliner

On an extended leave with a Diaby clone that happened to love theater instead


*Obligatory signing joke*


Ah go on then.

He’s Like A New Scientist.


You sir deserve every thumbs up you get for this.

cannon & ball

great team effort… Mooro will get all the thumbs up but it came from a fine assist from goonerbynature!


Yeah, it was a fine lay off. Couldn’t miss.


This blog has good mental strength and teamwork.


Hopefully he can unravel the mystery behind this phenomenon that is Diaby.


How much do u think we are paying him?


Messi is the footballing worlds equivalent of Captain America.


Yeah so apart from giving messi blowjobs what esle do you do for a living?

Canadian Arsenal Fan

are you saying Messi used steroids? Because I actually think he did because of a growth problem.

teddy salad

Messi took growth hormones, yes. They worked. Think on how small that man would be without them. A flea, me thinks, with a very nice left…foot? Back to the wine. Ahh, Cotes de Roussillion, you win, you always do.


let’s hope he can fix Diaby

Ilona Van Casand

Haha, you crack me up!


He’s also performed countless experiments on Lab Razvan Rats


If we were to sign a certain German attacking midfielder from Dortmund, this time next week Wenger could be unveiling our double signing, Rolls-Reus.


Brilliant, sir, brilliant!

haters gunner hate

West Ham? The Club struggling massively with Injuries. Good call

Phil Clement

Would you prefer someone who’d no experience of injuries?

haters gunner hate

Someone got out on the serious side of the bed this morning


There’s a serious side of the bed?
How come nobody tells me anything? This is so frustrating!!!

Gutbukket Deffrolla

Yep, and a slapstick comedy side of the bed. That’s the one with the highly polished floor, slippery mats, banana skins, unemptied chamber pots, bags of flour on the end of seesawing floorboards, tin tacks, a wide open window overlooking a barrel of stagnant rainwater, and three Spurs players aattempting to string a couple of passes together.


Well someone else may as well have a go at fixing diaby, nothing has worked so far


Ew, a pint of Full-Fat Sam. Aye currumba.


Very appropriate imagery.


Quite an impressive CV….

the only sam is nelson

but will he be able to explain the mesmetron? or even, the cockroach?

i’m doubting it myself. some things are simply beyond science


Honest question- what does head of sports science do?


Helps Steve Bould with the cones.


Adds more chemistry between players.


^^ .. So that the Chemistry will be so good soon the player’s will be bouncing redox equations. 🙂


Lots of things, but mainly he will concentrate on getting every player in “perfect” condition and help prevent them from injuring themselves.


You missed designing of long lasting elastic chewing gums for Big Sam.


I’ve got some work for rolls here.

What is a grant holt?

Why cheik tiote sacrifices rooster before each match, is it true it works better than lucozade?

Is it true that Mahamadou sakhos sweat is used in candle making and in lubricants?

When cornered Luis Suarez mits a foul smelling noxious musk, causing nausea and temporary
blindness in would be attackers. is this how he ghosts past defenders?

YouTube Graduate

I was hoping for German for this position.


The sports science at A level group selotaped me to a pillar and shaved my legs on the last day of school. I also was regularly crippled by them on the rugby field as well as customary wedgies on a bi weekly basis. Most of them went on to be PE teachers, the most insipid, brutish arseholes on the planet. Needless to say, I do not approve of this appointment.


You sound like a Spurs supporter


Is it true he’s bringing a stash of anterior cruciate ligaments some of which he’ll staple to Theo’s knee?


He rolled over at the chance of higher wages didn’t he?


Found one of the Diaby clones in the garden.
Was gonna use it as a clothes dryer….
But it broke……


1st assignment – Fixing the zippers on AW jackets!!


To think some poor bloke, working in the labour camp like confines that are the Arseblog news offices, dug this story up from Google then reproduced it with an added element of comic genius all in such a small amount of time. Can’t find better Arsenal news anywhere on the Interwebs.


probably signed him because if he could make carrol walk he might do same for diaby

Sterling Archer

I just nearly spat out my Green Russian all over my $900 turtleneck!

It Is What It Is



I heard that they thought there was success with one of the clones that had the skills of viera, Ronaldo and messi. Alas, it had to be destroyed after it admitted its idol was john terry.


How much do u think we are paying him?


This is the greatest news article ever.


An Archer reference/picture? I love this blog more every day.


Maybe he can make us an android striker,one who can bionically score us 30+ goals per season!! COYG.


You forgot to mention his cutting-edge work in dental surgery. All part of our cunning plan to lure Suarez to The Emirates.

Gutbukket Deffrolla

…so that we can wire up his foul bitey mouth.

Joe Arsenal

You’re just too funny Mr. Blogs. You’ve made me laugh many times before but this one was top notch. Good on you.


When are we gonna unveil our new tactical turtle necks is what I wanna know?


Job Description: Bring Back the ghost of Eboue. Amputate Diaby.


I am not totally up on the laws of the game; can we field human-pig hybrids?

Gutbukket Deffrolla

Liverpool do.


Probably was hired to figure out how to activate Park.

Sometimes i’s cheaper to bring in a professional to fix broken players than read over the player warranty for a clause in the terms and conditions to return him to wherever the fuck he came from.


Hope his better Improvement from our last one

Jarl Frantzen

Diaby is one of the best midfielders in the world.
Just think about what Rooney tweeted about him last time he played a couple of games.
So unlucky guy after “that tackle”.

Diaby is a player don’t know why he doesn’t play more games

Jensen was from Brazil

” Rolls certainly has a big job on his hands ” he is bound to coming from the hammers there is shit everywhere (big Sam, Nolan). Bit of soap and water should get it off.


I hear he also majored in Placentology.
Walcott is going to be back next week.


Hahahahaha! That was excellent! Warped minds at work here. Hehehe.

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