Thursday, March 28, 2024

Exclusive: we know where Wenger was going

Earlier today a picture emerged of Arsene Wenger at Heathrow. This led to many articles speculating on where he might going.

Is it to Germany, to have a quick pow-wow with Schalke, to return home with the Draxman? To Italy, to discuss the finer points of a Mirko Vucinic deal with Juventus? Or to Spain, to help Antoine Griezmann pack?

We can exclusively reveal that although any of those scenarios might be the truth, the boss is heading to a mystery destination where he will meet with a man he knows only as ‘Mr Davenport’.

On arrival at his not too distant destination, the Arsenal manager will be met by a chauffeur who will whisk him to a local hotel. Conversation will be minimal because the driver is a mute, and has been since his days as Eastern European mercenary. In 2007 he was hired to kill a local politician, but emerged from the man’s hotel room pale faced and utterly silent. He hasn’t spoken a word since.

At exactly 19.34 this evening Wenger will leave the hotel and walk 450 yards to a hostelry the name of which translates to: The Dragon’s Cockring.

He will find a seat at the bar, order a Grey Goose over ice topped with a liberal dash of Chambord, and wait. Just at the point where he thinks nobody is coming, a man will beckon him from a corner of the room. From there he’ll be, blindfolded, brought through a secret passageway and into an underground suite where he will come face to face with Mr Davenport.

The two will exchange pleasantries – for they have developed a cordial relationship from the letter writing that brought them to this point. Wenger will provide Mr Davenport with the items they had previously discussed, and Davenport will hand over the blueprints to the [REDACTED TEXT] which Wenger will then use to [REDACTED TEXT].

Mr Davenport will take his leave of Arsene, promising to be in touch soon ‘about that other thing, you know the one’, and his handlers will blindfold the Arsenal boss again, and deposit him safely at the bar.

However, Mr Davenport will not have noticed that Wenger, master of sleight of hand, has planted a tracking device on his person, thus allowing him to discover the location of his ultra-secret lair and his true identity.

He will order a Plymouth gin Gimlet, and smile to himself as he sips it. For now, the ball is very much in his court, and although it’s an adventure that won’t be wrapped up in this visit, the next time the two men come face to face, it will be the last.

To be continued.

Or not.

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Emmanuel Eboue

And that is how the transfer of Almunia back to Arsenal will be negotiated.

Master Bates

I miss Almunia , Szcz makes Arsenal matches boring

Jgrant

Who cares about clean sheets when we can have entertaining matches, amirite?

Ryan P

If you called occasional heart attacks boring..

SimSima

Occasional heart attacks help strengthen your heart defense. #truestory

umlaut and chips

gotta love a good Szczes-wobble

Runcorn Gooner

In other European news David Moyes has promised the fans they will be in Europe next year……..even if he has to write the song himself

Austin peavy

Arsene was spotted in the stands, watching the Barcelona game. they say that he may have been there watching Cristian Tello

Dewunmi

or Messi

Swish

Cazorla has put on weight.

raron aamsey

Liar

eternalflamini

” [REDACTED TEXT] which Wenger will then use to [REDACTED TEXT]. ”

It’s a secret prototype for a jacket zipper that works for bumbling Frenchmen, isn’t it?

Android Gooner

I don’t think so blogs.

Wenger could easily just get Kos the Boss to stuff Mr. davenport in his back pocket like he’s done all season long

Rambö

Maybe he’s getting Kos the Boss some shorts with even bigger pockets?

Gunner From Another Mother

The operation has been compromised.

*swarm of black-suited men escort eternalflamini through the rear entrance, never to be seen again*

ckmma

I googled this and found he may be going Hamburg to try and convince Hakan Çalhanoğlu to join, but have no idea if theres any truth in it. Promising attacking midfielder apparently…

vanmoulds

Hakan has a problem with mini rolls. As such he doesn’t fit the Arsenal image as they don’t want purple rappers littering the changing rooms. we’ve enough of that with Frimpong

Kalax

Hakan is a talent with good potential, but srsly.. we don’t need no any midfielder atm.

Heroldgoon

Hakan Mitroglous is too small a shit for Arsenal to bother going all the way….try again.

Heroldgoon

Just look the no° of views this article got!

Fans really are eager for a new signing and Arseblog will sleep with full pockets tonight no doubt!

santi cazorlas coing to town
Arzik07

Poldi? What are you doing here?

Boblex

Smiling ! grinning!

My favourite animal is a babGoon

All this for Charlie Adam?

Goonermonkey

Haha, I’d love to know your sources Bloggs. You must have contacts EVERYWHERE to have such in-depth knowledge of the movements of Le Prof.

I’m just excited as to what he might bring back in Duty Free. Maybe some posh eau-de-toilette to make Bendtner more attractive to prospective buyers?

p.s. Plymouth Gin is a tasty Gin.

fredflintstein

First time I’ve seen the old boy not in a tracksuit or suit.

@AAllenSport

You know Arsene is the guy on the right? The one in the suit…

fredflintstein

good one

fredflintstein

Turns out after clicking on the link that he is wearing what appears to be a dark brown suit with a black shirt. Gonna give that a try myself.

Cheesus

You have never seen the water slide picture then?

http://i56.tinypic.com/1548xv4.jpg

You’re welcome.

Naija Pikin!

I suspect this won’t end well for Mr Davenport.

Norn Iron Gooner

“Do you expect me to talk, Wenger?”

“No Mr Davenport, i expect you to sign”

Perry S.

I’m so jealous. You meet my world hero while I’m stuck sorting out how every pair of socks I own has no match. Le sigh.

BillyBatts

Sebastien Frey confirmed

特别的人

This is fucking amazing. I really dont know of any clubs whose fan base and manager constantly behaves like this in a good way of course. The mystery, the unexpectedness, arsene is a friendly guy we all know, just wow. I mean, try imagining ferguson in arsenes place, I know you can’t 🙂

Jomo

The name is Wenger. Arsene Wenger. At precisely 22:59 on 31 January we shall rendezvous again to make the exchange. And this time I’ll be accomplished by the well-endowed Moneypenny. Wink wink

Rectum_Spectrum

did anybody else google ‘mr davenport’? just me?

Lokomotive

Last paragraph, last line, ‘man’ should be ‘men’.

You are not the only bored person here.

Özil's Eyes on Arsene's Hot Thighs

and it should have been “stationery” in today’s blog, too!

dink arnold

I was so tempted to mention that one, but let it go. Glad you did!

Rejected

A UFO was spotted in Germany, Arsene is just going to check it out. He’ll be back with the Draxman

D

That explains the X-files motif from Le Prof.

Eiregun

Why is he flying with ryanair

remembereduardo

Spent 42 mil on Ozil, didn’t we

A Yank

Maisal Bugduv is finally happening!

therewillbebears

Slow news day, huh? Not complaining though, it makes a nice change from all the transfer guff and speculation that tends to be the norm throughout January.

charlotte gooner

Always thought dressing up as Wenger for Halloween in a puffy Arsenal jacket, dying my hair grey, and putting on those vintage early 90s glasses he used to wear would be awesome (of course, pretending to zip my coat all the while without success), then I realize no one here in that states would have any fucking clue who I was…
🙁

The man who would be bling

In the puffy coat, Wenger could conceal grappling hooks, pistols, a tommy gun, a foldable moped and a small rocket launcher without anybody noticing.

Dr Manny

You have too much time on your hands..very good imagination I must say!

2013-2014 = 2003-2004

From the picture it looks like Santi Cazorla is brokering the deal and accompanying Wenger on the flight.

Question #1: Santi Cazorla may be ambidextrous but sadly he’s monolingual (speaks Spanish only). Assuming the flight’s destination is somewhere in Spain, are we going there to buy a) Diego Costa, b) Karim Benzema, c) Antoine Griezmann or d) Alex Song?

Question #2: why has Santi Cazorla gained four stone since scoring a brace against Fulham only four days ago?

Boblex

Q #2 He’s been eating TGSTEL pies!

WizardOfOzil

The blueprints are for an underground storm drain outside of Stamford Bridge, the plan to assasinate Mourinho. Moyes has already been agreed upon by Wenger and the higher powers to be used as the patsy, when Mourinho pulls the plug on a Mata transfer at the last minute just for a bit of a laugh.

Mickö

That’s Arsene in his priest outfit. Once he arrives in Rome he does a quick mass then pops in to see the almighty and has a quick word. Last time he was over utd got Moyes as a manager the next day.

The only Olivier is Giroud

I remember getting drunk in The Dragon’s Cockring all the time during my hitman days. Had to settle down now, get out of the game- but ah, the memories….

sol (not campbell) eid

I believe he was impersonating a fly-boy to be given access to the last available bar after being kicked out of his usual place.

Cross

You really should start writing novels, Blogs, your writing is so good.

Victor

I found the bug secured neatly under my sombrero fastener stud. The deal is off Arsene even as I applaud you for your ballsy stunt. A prof. should know better than bugging Genarro Gattuso. I am coming at you Arsene. Lets see how you wiggle out of this one.

Comedian

Someones best man?

Toby C

After rigorous research and numerous lengthy phone calls across Europe, I have discovered that there are only two possible “Mr Davenports” to whom Blogs can be referring. The first is Jeremy Davenport. A former Eton schoolboy and graduate of both Oxford and Havard, he works for TB Sports Management. TB Sports Management are all set to take over the representation of one Radamel Falcao. The second is Bob Davenport. A resident of Bournemouth, UK, he owns two bedsits and one studio apartment on the south coast which he rents out. One of his tenants is a certain David Connolly, currently… Read more »

Ashraf

I hope its the first one. Falcao!

Juan Cornetto

I call bullshit on this – no one drinks Chambord.

Rakesh

Wenger out Scolari in

Canadian Gooner

Dude…

Arsepedant

Please, just go away.

N5ARMY

Wherever he’s gone bet he picks up some cigars for Bendtner in duty free.

W'Omuda

Reading these transfers’ speculations is now boooooooooooooooooring……..

Anil

This was so bad, I wept.

Ricardo

Am I the only one concerned? Wenger has not extended his deal yet with the club, shattered the spending record on Mesut Ozil and is looking to add to his squad in January.

Cheyu

Whoever write this website need some new fockin biscuit man

Arsepedant

Please, you just go away too.

alan wilkinson

If Wenger doesn’t buy in January he is putting his team through a jittery 3 months,back up is desperately needed,to maintain the pressure at the top,my thoughts are he will NOT buy anyone,so,Gooners hold on to your hats….

Gooner Power

More important than any new signing, is for Wenger, Sagna and BFG to sign the damn ting. Then maybe get Cavani..Jheeeze 🙂 woop woop

naijagunner(d 1 and only)

how do we block these wankers who dont understand what we do here????? i.e cheyrou mugmasher and anal?

Arsepedant

And Rakesh. He needs to be the first to go.

GeeFive

Can’t you see the sign? He’s headed to Bag Drop. Going to sign Goodgulf Greyteeth, slayer of the Ballhogs.

Theoptimist

Who is the troll who spends his days adding a negative mark to every comment on here? Get a life, saddo!

Gal

I work for BA as ground staff and one of my best mates works at the Galleries Lounge at T5 – Arsene was there which means two things – he was flying BA, and was booked in Club Europe which means he was bound for somewhere in Continental Europe. It doesn’t narrow it down much but we know for sure he wasn’t off to the Carrib (which is mainly out of Gatwick anyway) or to Dubai for a quick vacay, he was off to do SOMETHING in Europe…………..

Swede Goon

Well, he’s a European, living and working in Europe, so he probably does a lot of things in Europe. ; )

A.Bischoff

I come back.

Pelkeo

You Fools think you have a chance agianst us, the mighty city, the potent giant who will blow you to Mars

Swede Goon

I hate when Coventry fans talk sh*t

Bicklas Nendtner

Heh heh : )

Arsepedant

Three elementary English errors in one short sentence, just about perfectly sums up the average City fan.

BooYah

Its Rodrigo!
But naturally won’t arrive until 3 minutes before Transfer clock stops!
About $30m or £24m of yer English moolah.

Of all the rumours – Rodrigo is actually the best option and Le Prof has done it again blind-siding his rivals with the smoke-screen of Draxler & Costa et al – to have a clear run at Rodrigo alone.

A massive signing!

Ebouesauraus Rex

This is why arseblog is so much better than other fan blog sites. A thoroughly entertaining piece of prose

RichardAnus

I second that. And third it. And concur as well.

Javanese Gooner

Bring back Manone …

goonsington

The question is not who we sign but…
who is privileged enough to sign with us?

joseph

liked the banter , found maself reading all the posts

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