Arsenal have been struck with an injury crisis ahead of a top of the table clash with Aston Villa on Saturday and Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger made a surprise announcement that he has signed four players as a stop gap measure for Saturday’s crucial match.
With the Gunners missing Wilshere, Arteta/Flamini, Mertesacker, and Koscielny due to various injuries and problems with form reporters pressed Wenger on who could possibly replace all four players in the Arsenal starting XI. Wenger smiled wryly and simply stated “I have a little bit a surprise for you, we have signed all four of the Cash Reserves brothers.”
“As you know,” he continued “£35m Cash Reserves has fantastic vision and can play in the advanced midfield role while Wilshere recovers his ankle knock. £25m Cash Reserves has a tremendous engine and will cover well the back four in the defensive midfield position. And £15m and his twin brother £15m Cash Reserves will cover for Koscielny and Mertesacker who are both out with a little bit the flu niggle.”
£25m Cash Reserves was the outstanding player of the year in the Cash Reserves League last season, averaging 4.3 tackles per game, passing at a 89% rate, and completing 5 interceptions per match. He was never beaten for pace, not even one time, and was able to cover for his team playing both fullbacks in the opposition box. £35m Cash Reserves had a similar breakout season averaging 2.5 key passes per game and over 40 passes per game in the opposition final third on his way to a Cash Reserves League record 22 assists and 15 goals. He is the one with the Bobby Pires chin hair thing. Twin brothers £15m Cash Reserves were nearly unbeatable in the air, winning 70% of their aerial duels and keeping an astonishing 17 clean sheets last season. They also were the only center back pairing in the history of football to go an entire season without conceding a goal off a set play (corners, free kicks, or throw ins).
Arsenal’s lineup is expected to look like this against Aston Villa.
Obviously, none of this was true at the time of press but Arsenal did announce £170m in cash reserves today. £170m they didn’t spend when they clearly needed a center back and a defensive midfielder this summer and now what with injuries to various and sundry players it is bound to make people tetchy, innit?
Still… you have to laugh. Or cry. Maybe crying is the best medicine. I don’t even know any more.