Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Injury Crisis Forces Arsenal to Field Cash Reserves

Arsenal have been struck with an injury crisis ahead of a top of the table clash with Aston Villa on Saturday and Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger made a surprise announcement that he has signed four players as a stop gap measure for Saturday’s crucial match.

With the Gunners missing Wilshere, Arteta/Flamini, Mertesacker, and Koscielny due to various injuries and problems with form reporters pressed Wenger on who could possibly replace all four players in the Arsenal starting XI. Wenger smiled wryly and simply stated “I have a little bit a surprise for you, we have signed all four of the Cash Reserves brothers.”

“As you know,” he continued “£35m Cash Reserves has fantastic vision and can play in the advanced midfield role while Wilshere recovers his ankle knock. £25m Cash Reserves has a tremendous engine and will cover well the back four in the defensive midfield position. And £15m and his twin brother £15m Cash Reserves will cover for Koscielny and Mertesacker who are both out with a little bit the flu niggle.”

£25m Cash Reserves was the outstanding player of the year in the Cash Reserves League last season, averaging 4.3 tackles per game, passing at a 89% rate, and completing 5 interceptions per match. He was never beaten for pace, not even one time, and was able to cover for his team playing both fullbacks in the opposition box. £35m Cash Reserves had a similar breakout season averaging 2.5 key passes per game and over 40 passes per game in the opposition final third on his way to a Cash Reserves League record 22 assists and 15 goals. He is the one with the Bobby Pires chin hair thing. Twin brothers £15m Cash Reserves were nearly unbeatable in the air, winning 70% of their aerial duels and keeping an astonishing 17 clean sheets last season. They also were the only center back pairing in the history of football to go an entire season without conceding a goal off a set play (corners, free kicks, or throw ins).

Arsenal’s lineup is expected to look like this against Aston Villa.

Cash Reserves

Obviously, none of this was true at the time of press but Arsenal did announce £170m in cash reserves today. £170m they didn’t spend when they clearly needed a center back and a defensive midfielder this summer and now what with injuries to various and sundry players it is bound to make people tetchy, innit?

Still… you have to laugh. Or cry. Maybe crying is the best medicine. I don’t even know any more.


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25m Cash Reserves is too slow for the premier league.#Wengaout


Also heard that 25m Cash Reserve folds under pressure and will often go missing when you need him most.


Nice timing, its like they are telling us F*ck you! And about the ticket prices. I think they have made a big difference in the crowds that go to the home games, and it has ruined the atmosphere. In the Highbury days the stadium was mostly packed with working class supporters singing their heart out supporting the club. Take a look around today at the Emirates and it is mostly upper class people with a stick up their arse, to arrogant or self centered to support the team and would rather boo our own players if they miss a pass… Read more »


The timing means nothing. Our results come out every year at this time.


This is flippant piss taking which doesn’t encourage sensible debate about where we are.

There are more constructive angles you could take blogs.


You mean like that blog a couple of days back about how the window is closed so we shouldn’t really work ourselves up about fictional signings? Or that one just after the window closed about how we had made an excellent start to the window and then bollixed it for inexplicable reasons? Or everyday during the window where the theme of the blog was “I’m sure Arsene’s got a plan”/”Boss, you DO have a plan, don’t you?” because that’s really all anyone could rationally make out from the signals emanating from the club? Or multiple blogs from last season? Or… Read more »




If we find the cash reserve , we’ll do it


The ‘right’ cash reserve you mean


We are not scared to do it. But we only look for Cash reserve of ‘top, top, top quality’


Breaking news:

Immediately after signing and being announced in the first team squad, Cash Reserves has rolled his ankle in training and will be out for four months. He is expected back in January

Just in time for the transfer window


ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner 🙂


And there I was, looking forward to the window incase we signed somebody, but I can see Wenger thoughout the window “let’s not forget that we have Giroud and Debuchy coming back, which will be like new signings for us”


Cash Reserves is thin and flat with little weight
Cash Reserves is green red or oyster brown
Cash Reserves is hanging around for another half season
Cash Reserves is not tall and strong as Pateifk Viera
Cash Reserves is not a silent assassin as Gilberto
Cash Reserves is not elegant as Bobby Pires
Cash Reserves is not Titi Henry
£170m Cash Reserves is a scapegoat and if he’s not careful he will be played as a DM instead of a Winger


that’s the onionesque


In the black, in the black, in the black!

Daft Aider

If you field the cash reserves, the Dragon that sleeps beneath the Emirates is likely to wake up a bit pissed and start eating people down the Holloway road again until the cash reserves are returned

According to the laws of Quantum Mechanics, WENGA can be OUT & IN at the same time. So please STOP FIGHTING

“Cash Reserve to the rescue again… Wilshere…to Cash Reserve 2 oh lovey long pass …..oohh Cash RESEEERVVVVEEEE!…DREAM GOAL!…A BARCELONA GOAL..BY ARSENAL’s CASH RESERVES”

thumbed down for “BARCELONA GOAL”

Funny. Except that we took Alexis from them this summer, and they were begging us to take Fabregas back, and we could have had Song for… erm… a song. Barca is our feeder club now.

Arctic Troll

Didn’t Cash Reserves crash his car and then move to the Chavs?



That’s some seriously salty salt right there : /


Doesntatter how much cash reserves you have if you dont spend them


That’s pretty shocking. Don’t know anything about managing football clubs but like to think I know a bit about managing in large international companies. Don’t think many senior managers would get away with this kind of negligence when funds are available. Not saying Wenger out but I think Arsenal needs to have a serious look at how they organise their transfer dealings. By the looks of it we are in desperate need of to @rshole bastards, one in midfield and one in the transfer market.


Well it’s also nice to know the club won’t ever end up in a shithole of a shituation like Rangers, but I think £170million should be enough of a safety net and we probably don’t need to save anymore… I’m not quite so sure how we’d end up in a situation where we’d have to randomly pay a quick 170 million quid… I mean, they could maybe lower the ticket prices a bit now? No?


I think Cash Reserves will be great assets.


Was this actually written by Tim Payton ?

He normally tweets this on a weekly basis… the madman

Laycock Street N1

Luckily the players we didn’t bother with, Costa and Di Maria, have turned out to be flops…. Neither of them up to speed in the EPL unlike Özil who fitted straight into the side and runs his bollocks off every game with his famous pressure game of harrying the opposition, heavy tackling and his tracking back to help the full back can’t be faulted. Roy of the Rovers in human form.

Then I woke up.


Do you get a cat and expect it to bark?


I have to say, this made me laugh a lot. Very good, Admin.


I know its no real excuse but the financial results are up to the end of may- before we had signed anyone and spent whatever amount we spent this summer.

There is still a fair bit of money sitting in the bank but dont let poor reporting further incite a potentially flammable situation




I am sure Wenger is the apple of Stan’s eye. Or who else gives you these profits year by year and we, the fans, just whine and do nothing else.

Its hard to believe that after entire summer, when everyone at the Emirates knew what is the requirement, we failed to buy a CB and DM.

Come on Wenger, there might not be the ‘quality’ players out in the market, but it is better than having no player.


Just as long as AW plays £25 ca$h reserves in the no 10, and not down the left wing (or the right)….

Gunner Rob

£170 million cash reserves and bargain bucket Happy Shopper defensive midfielders. Not happy.

Arsenal Wenger

Due to this article, I laughed so hard that nobody was willing to share the pavement with me anymore.


If we aren’t gonna spend it on players let’s buy Archway sheet metals instead!


I wonder if at some point we start experimenting with a 4-2-2-2


Surely to feck if your saving it for a rainy day like fifa you must know when its feckin pissin down yous feckin stubborn old get wenger.


Liam Brady’s socks are salty.


This is why the board love AW and will NEVER sack him and as we all know he can be a bit stubborn so will not walk. But maybe he is being pushed out by the playerpower that has got many good managers the sack. Keep playing out of position or on bench when needed not buying in positions needed= unhappy team. I know i am, im sure i am, im Arsenal till im skint!


I’m sure Wenger is man of the match in the board room…..cash is all they care about, not making history.


Da fuq you all talking about. We have £170m in gold bullion. Because, you know, paper money is so last year. Bitches.


Gr8 arsecast today blogs or shall I dare to say arse block


Rumor is 50m cash reserves might be available… #wongerin


That’s Wonga…dammit…Wenger to you, sir!


Goodness me! This is such a cynical article! And, of course, none of it is true. The real reason why we couldn’t compete this season, and previous seasons, is because of the ‘financial doping’ of Chelsea and Man City. It was impossible for us to by those vital players who could have taken us over line. Fourth is a trophy, and actually winning the title didn’t matter. And this summer we didn’t buy the world-class striker, holding midfielder and center-back all which we desperately needed because we didn’t have any money. But we did have 8 million quid to pay… Read more »


Couldn’t we chip in to give you some kind of training so that you would understand the concept of a straw-man? Even when you have a point I thumb you down because you always blatantly and purposely argue against views and opinions nobody hold (wenger included). I wonder why you bother


Wenger must have shoved a broom up Fat’s arse once.


This cash reserve was before buying Sanchez, welbeck, debuchy, chambers and ospina……


That’s still a fair bit of money after deductions.

Alexis (33m) + Welbeck (16m) + Debuchhy (11m) + Chambers (16m) + Ospina (3m) = 71m.

There should be at least some money under the sofa for a decent Cback you’d think.


Yes, especially given the sales of TV5, and the sell-on money we got for Vela and a certain ex-captain with Catalonian DNA.

I just can’t get around why we didn’t buy a CB for 10-15m, and sell Campbell for 10m if you feel that short on cash reserves.


About £100m I reckon.


Still Ozil cant get a game down the middle.


Come to think of it, a huge block of money could make a great defensive midfielder. Paper cuts galore.


Im totally skint now, can’t even go watch a match, lend us some of that cash reserve! 🙁


I feel ya man, I can’t even afford a TV(let alone sky and bt sports) to watch the match


Talk about poor sense of PR by the management. uhm…maybe the wrong time to be announcing cash reserves? Simply idiotic. If we had so much cash reserve, we should have frankly gotten Falcao instead. he would have been short term but immediate impact where we have to await some time for Welbeck to pay dividends (no pun). meanwhile it may be to our detriment. and the Cback is still an issue. Maybe Wenger knows something we don’t and the world’s economy is on the brink of collapse or something. or maybe Arsenal PLC will be building a second stadium for… Read more »

Tibetan Gooner

So ozil on the left…more cash reserves in if you made him leave by default? BANK MANAGERS!!!!

Henry! Chance!! Goal!!!

I saw video highlights of Cash Reserves on YouTube. What a player! Absolute ‘World Class’ player and this signing shows our ‘statement of intent’.

Thumbs up if you’re ‘scouting for arsenal, on YouTube. And the obligatory ‘welcome to arsenal’


Bunch of bankers!


Cash Reserves need to be eternally grateful to #StingyWenger for making room available under the current circumstances. It could have been worse.:-/


With the money we have saved we should buy the construction firm that builds the Spuds new stadium and take all the company profits. How amazing would that be? The spuds give us their money and we you know have a few delays of course along the way…


Don’t forget we still made good signings this window you all seem to forget that and jump on the Wenger out bandwagon. Don’t get me wrong we needed to sign a couple more but what we got was good. Look at s***s last season too many signings in a short period of time and they couldn’t work well together

Mertesacker's Houseboy

I’d love me some Cash Reserves



Viva Vivas

It’s great to see Cash Reserves back in the starting line up! LANS


Can’t remember the last time, wenger made so many signings and made a good start to. the season.


One of your best headlines blog..


One thing I noticed when reading the latest financials, was Arsenal’s wage bill is now higher than Chelsea’s.
How did that happen? With all their money hungry mercenaries I would have thought they would have a much higher wage bill.
Or are we still overpaying on some lower end squad players?

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