Monday, December 5, 2022

‘Chelsea not boring’ say experts

World renowned experts have today come to the defence of plucky little underdogs Chelsea who have been left distraught by claims that they’re boring.

As chronicled on this site earlier in the week, big old meanies in the crowd at Arsenal sang songs about how the west-London side were ‘boring’, leading to a three day media assault from the blues to try and restore their damaged reputation.

Now, a collective of figures from the world of sports, media and entertainment, known for their expertise in the field of boredom have come together to form ‘Chelsea Ur Not Tedious’ to help aid them in their time of need.

“Anyone who says Chelsea are boring must be boring themselves,” said former snooker World Champion Steve Davis.

“I don’t think they’re boring at all,” he continued for hours in the same methodical way he played the baize table.

“In fact, I would go as far as to say they’re almost approaching the opposite of boring which as well all know is not boring”.

He was backed up by Tracy Chapman whose song Fast Car is not one of the most boring songs ever made.

“Steve Davis is right,” she said. “Although I have since swapped my speedy motor for a more fuel efficient and less zippy hybrid, I know what I’m talking about here.

“At this point in my life, me myself I got nothing to prove. In fact, much like the unfairly maligned Jose Mourinho, I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone. Be someone.

“Be someone. Be someone. Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone.”

She paused to think and strum her guitar in a prosaic fashion.

“Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone. Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone. Be. Someone. Be someone. Be. Just be. But be someone.”

And even from the exciting world of motion pictures there was staunch support.

“I firmly believe that the English Patient is not one of the most dull, soulless, sterile, bland insipid movies every made” said the maker of the English Patient.

“In fact, I’d be proud to suggest that Chelsea are the The English Patient of football. Except they’re Russian, obviously.

“But in terms of thrills and spills they bring to the Premier League what Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas brought to those not at all interminably mind-numbing scenes in the movie which isn’t completely banal and uneventful.”

After such inarguable backing, celebrations at the Chelsea training ground were raucous.

“I think you might say that’s everyone else nil, Chelsea nil”, said captain John Terry.

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Le Jim

God. They’re really on their periods about one little ‘boring’ chant, aren’t they?

Well you know what they (I) say… If you take offense at something, you must see a little bit of truth in it. Says it all really.

Le Jim

I also might say that Tracy Chapman sounds so exciting. Definitely doesn’t drive her motorised vehicle with the handbrake on.

And just to make that article more exciting, I read it in Aaron’s voice. Exciting times indeed.

bims lay

Bullseye!…..we seem to have struck a very sensitive chelsea nerve eh?

Well, from today, all arsenal fans should sing with gutso!…..BORING BORING CHELSEAAA!!!!!


Exactly. They should enjoy the fact they are champions because once Mourinho stops winning, he is nothing but an arrogant tosspot of a sore loser. How do they expect any respect when his team shows no will to take the game to the opponent in any big game, cheat their way to victory, and constantly harass the officials? Not all champions are respected, and that is what hurts them deep down. They should take the boring tag as a compliment when you think of the long list of names that spring to mind to best describe that team!


Indeed, boring is the least of their worries (but they know its true), that synchronized diving team of blue rent boys. Loathsome to a man, as is their manager, moaning maureen. Its a conspiracy!


If you think the film of The English Patient is dull, try reading the novel. I’m suprised it isn’t prescribed as a cure for insomnia.

In other news, this media love-in for Chelsea is getting really boring. Maybe their time would be better spent investigating just where Roman got his billions from, and the moral quandary that should pose to fans of that most disgusting of football clubs, rather than focusing on a subjective criticism that most sensible fans would likely agree with. I’m glad I don’t have to watch them every week.

David C

I loved English Patient. That movie deserved the Oscar it won for movie of the year. Maybe I am of a certain vintage, but I find the never-ending comic book/superhero movies to be the most tedious. Except Guardians of the Galaxy; a talking racoon…who saw that coming? Haha, classic!


erm, anyone who actually read the comics?


You mean raccoons can’t talk? I thought the one in my garden was ignoring me. I asked him what he thought of chavski’s style of football and he vomited playfully over the dahlias. Don’t think even Shakespeare could have put it better.


But have you seen Death In Venice? When I saw it years ago the whole audience cheered when Dirk Bogarde died. And don’t we just need another 3 points to be in the Champions League?


3 points, and to note surrender our GD to either Liverpool or spurs. 1 win and a draw is enough to make it certain, and St totteringhams day will be celebrated.


Well said, Sir.

Third Plebeian

Have any of you guys ever watched porn? I did once, and it’s quite a strange mix of boring and exciting. It’s difficult for me to describe the sensations.

Daft Aider

I think the quotes from John Terry are made up, he normally speaks in high pitched one syllable words and then asks for money for the quote


Boring, boring article.


I think the fact that Chelsea have released footage of the team having ‘fun’ is not only cringe worthy but also laughable, I was sick in my mouth watching it. It’s like their club have said ‘nuh uh, look how much fun we are having… fun fun’ I think a few of their players are on suicide watch. But fun suicide watch….. The sort of suicide watch where it ends in a draw.


Post of the day!


You forgot to add the comment from the CEO of Dulux who said –

” Jose is to Chelsea, what paint is to my bedroom wall… perfectly suited slow drying Magnolia.”

Andy Mack

He also said ” Chavski are much more interesting than watching paint dry…… unless it’s dulux paint of course”
Oddly the CEO of Crown paint said something similar about chavski and crown paint…..

AN Other

Boring Boring Chelsea Club, Owner, Manager and Football.


All this because of one song? #COYG

Andy Mack

One song and a Portuguese manager that has zero sense of humour!


Blogs, Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort is pretty decent acting really!


Yeah but wasn’t he excellent in Red Dragon also…
That’s hardly a completely different movie too, now is it?


Not as good as he was in ‘In Bruges’.


Now he was good in The Grand Budapest Hotel. But that was a boring film. Oh the paradox….

Dick Swiveller

Grand Budapest Hotel was pretty hilarious, i thought.

Not as funny as Terry falling over, I’ll grant you, but funny.


Haha,’Chelsea Ur Not Tedious’
What wonderful letters for a nice abbreviation 😉


It’s almost like some saucy wag PLANNED that specifically…

Fool of a Took

Well this is just stupid, if we won the league in the same boooring fashion as the blue tainted cunts, I would not mind people calling Arsenal boring. I would agree with them as I threw the BPL cup in their face and laughed heartily as I rode into the sunset.


Possibly true, but the audacity and arrogance of them to claim they’re not ‘Boring’ after spending a gazilllion pounds on players, and then fielding a team led by a racially and morally challenged mega-cunt, sans a striker, who then celebrated a 0-0 draw like they’d won the Champions League, is beyond vomit inducing.

Le Jim

John Terry’s celebration after the game gave me a hemorrhage.


It gave me haemorrhoids!


Actually, just seeing JT’s face gives me haemorrhoids!

Third Plebeian

JT’s face IS a haemorrhoid.

bims lay

lol……well said guys


You let John Terry celebrate by having anal sex with you? That’s disgusting. It’s John Terry goddammit!


Woe the ones who sit on JT’s face, for they shall receive Super Haemorrhoid contaminated with so much Boring there will be no return to human form.


If Arsenal celebrated a 0-0 result, short of it clinching a title, we would never hear the end of it. I do feel for the sad little horse that is Chelsea all the same.

David C

like that time a couple of years ago we celebrated finishing 4th. We were made fun of for days.


Yes, but we’re a shit club with loads of history, an envied football style, a manager courted by every top club in the world, our own money that doesn’t stink of oil and morals that scream class. The press are more interested in the plucky, cheeky scamp of a manager feeding them soundbites as they wipe his discharge of their chins, knowing that their dumb, sensationalist whore of a paper will continue putting food on their plates to enjoy their miserable cunt lives full of idiocracy, laziness and bullshit. Fuck them, he’ll get sacked again for boring the arse out… Read more »


Even to raccoons


I thumbed down your comment, even though I like your name.

What, by the way, is the BPL Cup?

Fool of a Took

British Premier League 🙂


I think the tongue in cheek query was based on fact that there is no such thing as the ‘British Premier League’. It’s the EPL, since Scotland, bless them, have their own leagues. 🙂

Henry! Chance!! Goal!!!

The way John Terry was celebrating a draw as if he just nailed a team mate’s wife says a lot about how they were afraid of us. They knew coming into the game that we are the better team

Third Plebeian

John Terry celebrated like he was riding in an all-white subway car on the Paris Metro.

For him, Rosa Parks is, like the moon-landing, a piece of fiction.

Az Ahmed

Don’t get me started on the moon landing

Dick Swiveller



I think so too. They barely ventured into our half. I call it “Pussyball”.


Us? Win the league boring? Never!

Well except ’89 and ’91 of course, when they all did take the piss (and still do) at the way we played. Did we care? We just embraced our tedium and still sing about it today. (After all, what song did we adapt on Sunday?)

What makes Mourinho and his minions so pathetic is their denial. They win boring but don’t want to admit it.

Maybe we are comfortable with having won boring because of the other 11 titles won not playing boring football.


I was distracted from reading the dictionary by Chelsea’s flair for defending against us. If people can’t see the flair in grinding out results then I don’t want follow the beautiful game anymore.

Those Brazilians could learn a thing or two from John Terry and co.

why not

Racism and adultry?


Racism and poultry

Third Plebeian

Roger Daltrey?

Andy Mack

Rogering poultry?


Rodgering poultry? Isn’t that a small village in Dorset?


Mourhino has forgotten the reason why he got fired last time, even after winning Chelsea their first two titles. No one invests hundreds of millions in their squad every year only to watch them play like Stoke against their biggest rivals.
There’s a reason why even when we were scraping for fourth season after season, our fan base just kept on growing internationally, people are willing to pay the highest ticket prices in the country to watch us play and we have no problem attracting some of football’s biggest stars. He’ll get fired again, I can guarantee.


It is a little bit hard for a manager not to get fired from chelsea in all honesty. Considering what Chelsea REALLY are and represent in modern football. Besides Mourinho is the biggest hypocrite in football.


Seriously Fast Car is a great song, and while I’m at it Phil Collins rocks too!

Third Plebeian

I didn’t know Tracy Chapman did a follow-up song called “Seriously Fast Car.” B-side?


Superb article; anything but boring I’d say 🙂

Dave Gooner

Did Chelsea actually release that footage of their players ‘having fun behind the scenes’ to Sky Sports news just to prove to the world what ‘fun guys’ they really are?

They even hate themselves.. Some achievement by Maureen that, to get an entire club to hate itself on the eve of winning the Prem. Far more impressive than winning titles for the best resourced clubs in the world.


Lightening Pace

I can see Leicester getting a result against them tonight as they are desperately looking for survival points, unless the Leicester players end up suffering from boredom-induced narcolepsy at some point in what could potentially be a sterile second half.


How will leicester break down 10 defenders?
Jose means to draw his way to the title.


I think LP is defining “result” as one or three points, not as a win only. If that’s true, then Leicester won’t have to break down 10 defenders, just run around a bit and keep the ball out of their own net.

Third Plebeian

I think the Leicester result is a foregone conclusion. The reason I’ll be watching is just in case John Terry gets strangled by Nigel Pearson.




John terry is a cunt.


Jose lost his job at Chelsea last time for being boring, I seem to remember a CL game at Stamford Bridge with about 50% attendance.

That’s why he’s sensitive, bless him.


Chelsea is the most boring assemblage of cunts ever.
Its like they got all the female appendages from Tea with Mussolini – showed them how to defend and then got ann widdicombe’s one and thought it how to sound russian but look portugees and then trained him to mock and ridicule.

I will always hate Jose,

retirement, illness, even death…. nothing will ever make me not loath him

the only sam is nelson

I’m fed up with people slagging off Jose. I mean he’s a fucking genius, let’s be honest – who else would be able to put Oscar, Hazard and Fabregas in the same midfield and nullify all of that natural attacking talent? Who else would have the balls to look at Juan Mata and say to themselves: “nah. He’s no good in a dog fight”? Who else would hold the centre forward’s role in such low esteem that they don’t bother with one in the starting line-up against the only team in a position to take the title away from them?… Read more »


And they won the title. How boring!

It’s much more exciting being perennial losers like us – but we are great to watch.


Seriously, dude, you’re such a cunt. On behalf of all fat Gooners, I am asking you to take the fat out of your name because you’re making us all look bad.


Why ask him to stop at fat?


Boring Fat Gooner!

Third Plebeian

Careful. This kind of accusation usually sparks outrage. I imagine fatgooner now has plans to release a video of himself twerking to Culture Club.

Rozza the samourai

We used to win playing very attractive football. We do not have to look at Chelsea. We’ve got to go back to our past. We played attractive football before Barcelona. After the invincible campaign, we should have been bold enough to add a couple of great players to get additional champion league’s semifinals and finals and kit revenue to pay for the stadium. Real bought James Rodriguez and collected millions in marketing revenue before he played the first game. We chose the other way, less quality etc… Do Djourou, Denilson, Éboué and TGSTEL generate marketing revenue ?


If only there was a way to find out why the Arsenal team of 2004 couldn’t carry on competing against a team that had spent £500m in 2 years, there must be some logical reason. Surely?

It’s not like we had planned and mitigated our finances over a 10 year plan on building our very own stadium which was intended for us to compete against Manchester United, before oil money turned the Premier League into the utter farce of a league up for the highest bidder.

Oh wait…


Perennial losers. Don’t be a knobber.

Get yourself down to The Lane if you want the true definition of that stupid statement.


I’m fed up with the pathetic attitude of fans on this website. Chelsea are about to win the title BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! They have been the most consistent side in the Premier League since last August. Instead of slagging them off, maybe a few fans here should be asking why yet again we have missed out. We were NEVER in the title race this season. Why? There is a loser mentality about Arsenal which drives me up the wall. The attitude should be “first is first and second is nowhere”; instead, this site is populated with Wenger apologists who… Read more »

Third Plebeian

You’d have to be painfully stupid not to see context (and that criticism of the club does happen on this site and the main blog), which for folks like you are “excuses.” For you, football exists in a fairyland where some benevolent wizard has given each team equal resources, perfect injury records, and infallible officials, with the only difference being…the manager! Yes, of course, in this lala land, Mourinho would be a better manager than Wenger.


Fair enough FG but you do a decent amount of moaning yourself. The occasions you seem to be happy with any achievement by the club you support are rarer than rocking horse shit.

Dick Swiveller

No-one’s saying they don’t deserve it, just that it’s boring as fuck how they actually did it.

They won’t get away with it next year, because we will start playing football at the start of the season rather than ignoring the first 3 months, but kudos to them for finding the most prosaic way to spend a billion and win a title, that is a genuine achievement for Mourinho.


Fat Gooner – being boring does not equate to winning the league. neither does being exciting mean that you finish in second – fourth spot. Its almost completely unrelated. Alex Ferguson took huge swathes of boring plodders and built exciting championship winning teams with them – injecting in small bits of flair here and there Wenger won the championship in style on 3 occasions. Even Mancini and Pellegrini won with a certain panache You are buying into this simplification that Jose and his press lackie lapdogs would sell you. Jose takes flair players and deconstructs them, he takes opponents on… Read more »

Clock-End Mike

I sense irony…


I doubt you are great to watch, and I question the use of the royal we.

bims lay

lol……Fats does this all the time to wind people up, so why bother?

i suspect he has an attention seeking personality disorder that gets its kicks from “thumb down baiting”. The more thumbing down he get, the merrier!

if you dont indulge him…..but just ignore him, you’ll be amazed how quickly he fades away or start conforming to the forum norm.

North Bank Gooner

Interesting documentary about Josie and friends 😉


Gaaaaa! Imagine if we had Vivian AND Bouldy as asistant Managers!


Just one question. Name the only manager in the history of football who got fired for being boring *sound of mike dropping*

Jose P

I am Laughing Out Loud in the Office


I’m already looking forward to a good sing-song at next season’s clashes – hopefully starting with the Charity Shield (sorry, still can’t call it the “Community” Shield).

das pauly bear

Wow. Sorry for calling you boring chelsea, you racist inbred cunts.


Don’t beat about the bush…..telll em straight.

Peanut Seller

Just waiting for Jose to say he is bored when lifting the Premier League Trophy. What a precious bunch of can’t take the banter cunts.

Coq Au Vin

I just really like my new name. It came to me when I saw him clean Hazard’s clock at the beginning of the match.


£Billion Bolton


It says a lot that the poor guy in the picture (which is clearly real and legit) is struggling even with the comic book length of an illustrated version of Chelsea’s ‘history’. The illustrations are there to pad it out so that it’s thicker than a birthday card and, in no small part, because most of their fans are illiterate.


Man.. this is really boring to open sports websites for last few days and see everyone is saying chelsea is not boring side.. but truth is whole world including mourinho, terry, all chelsea players, roman and pundits know that chelsea is playing pure negative football..


Just look at the big teams in Europe that win trophies: Man $ity, Man U, Chel$ea, P$G, Dortmund, Bayern, Real Madrid, Barca and Atletico Madrid. The only teams on that list that can be accused of being boring are Chel$ea and Atletico, but the latter have the excuse of competing against the much richer Barca and Real. Chel$ea are boring because they want to be boring, don’t give me bollocks about it not mattering how they win. You don’t spend £1B to be nothing but Stoke decked out in platinum jewellery.


What are you talking about? Man U don’t win trophies!


We all know Chelsea aren’t boring now because they headed a ball into a bin on the news this morning. That is so not boring!


All are boring, boring, boring. The media keep trying defending chelshit is boring, the media keep trolling arsenal is boring & i’m all disgusted. Fuck all, i’m bored with all these shits the media are trying to bring on.


Meanwhile, less boring news on the Bayern Munich front with Lewandowski smashing his face in and the Dutch Diver with a torn calf muscle.



Remember a year ago when chelsea beat liverpool by parking the big Blue bus at anfield and the reaction of the so called experts. They tore into chelsea for their negative tactics. A year on and it’s ok.
Why don’t these muppets fuck off


Trapper you will find that comes under the media hypocrisy laws section 1b paragraph 4 subsection 3
“when comparing teams Arsenal football club must not be judged by the same rules as any other team”
So Arsenal fans calling CFC boring does not come under the same ruling of the media as Liverpool. The media and L’poo are allowed to criticize CFC for parking 2 buses but Arsenal are not. It is a simple rule that can be used every time Arsenal are mentioned in the media.

Az Ahmed

From what I remember, Carragher, Neville and Shearer all praised Chelsea for their ‘defensive masterclass’.

Save 75 cents

I live in Atlanta Ga. I went to get some takeout yesterday and the guy handing me my food said nice shirt but the blues are better.

I stare that cunt straight in the eyes and say “Yeah, but class is permanent”

I turned around and walked out like it was nothing. I hope he knew the severity of my insult instead of just being some typical American bandwagon fan boy.


Oooooooh what did you have? Was it Indian?
Also its called take away in Blighty, not sure why thats diferent but alas it is so.
I’m notfarfrom you and I can garundamtee his knowlege is from x-box, see and hear it all the time.


It all is very funny – but the truth is it’s a huge distraction for our players as i’m sure they browse the net. The oncoming matches Will Be Tough and i’m not quite sure the players will give 100% after the Chelsea disapointing and life sucking draw. Arsenal could as well finish the 4th again if they are not motivated enough . They must get priorities right and have their heads straight – not turned around. I already sense some kind of weariness among them . Wish Alex and Rosicky could add some extra freshness and directness … pity… Read more »


On a slightly more interesting note, has anyone asked Michael Owen to analyse the Hull defence and explain how they so easily nullify the advantages of a top world-class player like Coutinho?


Liverpool need to step it up a bit would be a shame if Brendan wasn’t there next year

pony tulips

Why is jurgen klopp reading Chelsea’s history?


He is auditioning for Chelsea job. Just imagine Klopp sleeping while watching chelsea at Bridge. Then putting up a banner *Hire Me* as he let out a big yawn.
That would be so Klopp.


It’ll only take him 2 minutes.


Should have went with thrilling thrilling Chelsea

Don’t think that lot understand irony though


Chel$ki’s history should be a booklet.

Az Ahmed

A sheet of toilet paper

John Griffiths

I hear that Roman has commissioned Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen to collaborate in writing a new club song for the 2019/20 season!

Fever Tits

According to this, they still owe russian-cum-beard £1b. I thought he wrote it off?? If he just said ‘fuck it I’m bored’ and wandered off I’d ejaculate gold, I’d be so pleased.

Az Ahmed

Based on profit, Tottenham is the biggest club….


, does a goalkeeper need 10 games to be eligible for premier league medal?

Springbank 1962

That should be “Chelsea not boring,” say ‘experts’.


Jesus, and they are still banging on about it, with G Neville making comments about it last night, and that being commented on in the papers this morning. I just hope that Kate Middleton has her baby PDQ so that they can find something else totally vacuous to fill the column inches with.

Who the F*ck are Sp*rs?

The thing that is boring now is how everyone including sky are banging on about it all the time. Chelsea were boring, alright not quite 19th century football but boring nonetheless. If Maureen thinks it was boring in the ten years since we won the league last then the racists over in the West there must have been fucking rigid in the half a century between them last winning it and buying it. He’s a cunt, they’re all cunts and John Terry (Who has made an appearance at both my kids birth and the day I won the swimming bronze… Read more »


Now that is BS Blogs. Why would the Chelsea history book be so fat??

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