Monday, July 4, 2022

Walcott beats Bellerin in speed test that really matters

Show of hands – how many of you out there were happy that Theo Walcott signed a new deal?

Hands down.

walcott_fifa_fastestNow, how many of you were happy he signed a new deal because he’s fast as shit on FIFA?

Woooah. That’s a lot of hands.

Those in the latter group will be happy to hear that Theo is still the whizziest, zippiest, runningnest, speediest chap in the game, with a pace attribute of 96! That puts him ahead of Gareth Bale and Borussia Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng who have 94 and 95 respectively.

We reached out to Hector Bellerin’s people but they wouldn’t go on record. We did hear some background grumbling about a lawsuit though.

So, Walcott on the right in your front three, R2 like your life depends on it … and then he crosses it straight to keeper. Ah well.

Other Arsenal player attributes

Mesut Ozil: Through-balls – 91

Olivier Giroud: Heading – 83

Per Mertesacker: Standing tackle – 90

Francis Coquelin: Slide-tackle – 70 (disgrace!)

Alexis Sanchez: Shooting from distance – 88

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Dribbling – 84

Aaron Ramsey: Blandness in interviews – 93

Jack Wilshere: Existential melancholia – 78

Santi Cazorla: Smileosity – 99

Petr Cech: Drumming – 65

Mathieu Flamini: Pointing – 100

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Man Manny

Just beat Stoke.


Did we? Cool.


Excellent, I’ll put a fiver on the result then.


Walcott: Involvement in Play – 50


A bit harsh, it’s much higher than that*

*(if the balls on his side, and the opposition is playing a high line, and the wind direction is right)


And Jupiter is facing Mercury and it’s within 3 weeks either side of the winter solstice…


Walcott, passing 92, likeliness to be in a position to pass 8.


Joel Campbell – Loan 97


Olivier giroud – 6 pack selfies 100

Bould's Eyeliner

Ryo Miyaichi – Cone Collection 100

El Piresidente

Cech only 65 for drumming? Fuck them

Rohith J

Arteta: Hair – 97


Hair 97?! Fuck off, his hair is perfecto.

Kanu's big toe

Only 97?! Bit harsh.


97??? a bad day for Arteta? :O

Arse Sutra

Obviously walcott is the fastest…
As he is so good in running away from responsibilities ….

Nigel Sommerburn

How can Le Coq’s sliding tackle ability only be 70?! Hope his Stand tackle is at least 80 then, and the EA people just thought that was the only way he did all his tackling.. Blimey!

But then again, these people have given The Dutch Skunk a finishing ability of 86.. It’s like they are just trying to as wrong as possible at this point.

Stuart_Ten can’t deny TDS has always been a good finsher.

Nigel Sommerburn

If EA based his finishing ability off last season’s performances, they shouldn’t be as high as 86.


Wilshere – 5 Star weak bones rating

The Only Olivier is Giroud

We won’t be able to mount a credible title challenge without a 90+ Existential Melancholia striker imo. Don’t tell me none was available- Victor Frankl moved (albeit back in with his mum) this window! Wenger out ffs


Jenkinson : Banter – 98

Le Jim

Theo, Chambo, Hector, Alexis, Welbz. This is gonna be fun 😉


i liked this read i was going to comment saying i didnt like the headline when i first saw it on newsnow but then i read the entry and was quite entertained. keep it up!!


Mourinho, Cunt: 98
John Terry , Ugly cunt: 99.
Michael Owen, boring cunt: 100


The all have the “Complete Cunt” trait aswell


Flamini: Following Özil around 103


My goodness, Flamini needs to change his ways, first he got 100 for pointing, now 103 for oziling around, Lol.

Meanwhile, this is about the funniest set of comments I have ever read on any site, laughing with tears in my eyes mehn.


Agreed, I just choked on a fish finger and inhaled brown sauce.


Arteta – Trophy lifting 97

only stat he will be needing

Gunsen Gunner

I’m just glad I don’t have to buy a new keeper in this year’s Fifa. A striker and DM should be enough for the quadruple.


Ozil. Looking grumpy whenever substituted – 98


I heard that they made it so that Ozil can only receive a 10 or a 0 match rating


Nice witty one there


Oxlade-Chamberlain: Ninja Turtleness – 100

God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God

Correlating stat, Ox’s ‘Za consumption only at 94. Shame on you EA

Patrick Wilson

Which one is he? Looks like a mikey – all laid back and such


R2??? Am I the only one running with R1?

(My brother in law is proper “old skool”, he still uses triangle for sprint)


One benefit of that used to be differentiating between running with the ball and sharing the ball. I liked that. But you lose a whole new vocabulary of passing without a designated button for through balls.


Yeah i use R1 to sprint too.

In fact I use all the old Pes controls

50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey

Me too my friend, the new controls are demons of the modern world!

Marv Tha' gooner

R1 rules. I get so many groans when I reconfigure controllers. LOL!


Wenger: Ignoring Podolski & Campbell – 101

J Bird

Gabriel: Death stare – 99

Walcott's left footed curl

Alexis: Dog friendlyness – 98


Same rating for bunny-saving.


Gibbs : Oxladeness – 100

Mr Media

The central defenders always nick the ball off Walcott’s toes if he goes through the centre. I can only play him on the wing. No up fronty matey. Sorry Theo.

Marv Tha' gooner

John Terry: Screwing teammates WAG – 100

Beezus Fuffoon

Ospina: Neck – 0


Spurs:shit -100


Campbell: Getting out while he could – 0

Kenyan Gooner

Wellington Gibbs: Oxyness – 100


Mertz speed 101+


Lord Bendtner; All time Best Player 101 but cant forget his sublime die-min header of the bench against sp*rs. long live lord Bendtner!

Rasta Gooner

Sorry this probably only comment not to make u laugh but damn these comments here today were all on that hundred knob! Or should I say button, buzzer, notch.


Diaby injury rate: 100%

Titty Twistah

Propensity to Shag Before Game in the Early Hours 69


Who cares? Pro Evo 4 lyfe.


If coquelin was in Chelsea his rating would be ……..
So is the business end of FIFA. Sad world put to life.

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