Five things that might happen if something that won’t happen happens

44

Imagine if that thing that isn’t going to happen actually happened, and after it happened other things happened as a consequence of that.

You have to imagine because that thing isn’t going to happen, but for the purposes of this article we’re going to say it happened because it then lets us make up the things that might happen if it did.

Clear? Good.

1 – A trope or a tired old meme based around an inaccurate stereotype of a fanbase.

2 – Fake a tweet from a popular Twitter account wind-up merchant, or troll and invent a zany reaction to the thing that never happened.

3 – A poorly executed Photoshop which is meant to be funny but ends up in the realms of casual racism.

4 – The spinning head of Ray Winstone pops up and tells you what the odds are for thing that’s not going to happen even though he knows fine well it’s not going to happen but what does he care he’s being paid a massive amount of money to do it.

5 – A series of listicles asking what would happen if this thing actually happened inside other listicles asking what would happen if this thing actually happened until you realise you’ve created a wormhole that will eventually suck the entire Internet into it and then we can all go outside and play with a puppy.

A puppy celebrates the fact the Internet has been destroyed

So, now you know what would happen if the thing that isn’t going to happen happened. You may carry on with your day.

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Ray from Norfolk, Virginia
Ray from Norfolk, Virginia
2 years ago

Unsure if this post is about rhetorics or contemporary philosophy.

Hank1979
Hank1979
2 years ago

I think blogs has been reading Ulysses

Ray from Norfolk, Virginia
Ray from Norfolk, Virginia
2 years ago
Reply to  Hank1979

Did his pen elope?

adgonner
adgonner
2 years ago

I need to watch Penelope Cruz after this

A different George
A different George
2 years ago
Reply to  Hank1979

Is that the one about stately, plump Sam Allardyce?

Anonymarse
Anonymarse
2 years ago
Reply to  Hank1979

I think he’s finally snapped

The Loon Ranger
The Loon Ranger
2 years ago
Reply to  Hank1979

Did Ulysses have a puppy? I like puppies and kittens.

Rossi88
Rossi88
2 years ago

Shit, this is deep.

Faisal Narrage
Faisal Narrage
2 years ago

Must be tough for the site, having to think up daily content and keep traffic as high as possible, whilst there’s utterly nothing to go on; no arsenal leaks, transfer stories, etc. Even our expected departures such as Gibbs and his agent don’t seem to be leaking anything to the press. There’s only so many stories you can make from that Aurelas knob (or whatever) from Lyon. Maybe we should use here to suggest some interesting stories for arseblog to cover? How about a story on Arsenal academy players who have left and are doing well for themselves? Would love… Read more »

Neder
Neder
2 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Over delicious bourbon… what we’re we thinking about again?

Neder
Neder
2 years ago
Reply to  Neder

*were… damn auto correct

midgunner
midgunner
2 years ago

Reckon blogs is being bankrolled by the Arsenal PR department to divert our attention from the utter lack of transfer activity? ie. the thing that never happened…

Al Gilmore
Al Gilmore
2 years ago
Reply to  midgunner

We’ve signed someone already..who else has made any significant signings. If we use the almost universally accepted wisdom that other clubs always get their man and get them sooner than Arsenal, then why havent Man City signed Alexis yet? What it is, is exactly how Blogs laid it out. We are mentally screwed by this online clickbait bullshit that is always there but takes on epidemic proportions during the Transfer Window Season. Might as well call it a season as clubs all but get a trophy for it at the end of it. Usually Man U, and we are normally… Read more »

midgunner
midgunner
2 years ago
Reply to  Al Gilmore

I was just joking mate.

PVS
PVS
2 years ago

U wot m8?

I\'m Professor Ignorance, on this subject
I\'m Professor Ignorance, on this subject
2 years ago

Puppies ARE the internet – it is impossible for one to destroy it, because it creates it as a byproduct of its existence, just like poo and chewed up shoes.

Big Mad Andy
Big Mad Andy
2 years ago

Cats may disagree with you.

Lord Bendnter
Lord Bendnter
2 years ago

There’s so much pain hidden behind these words
We feel you Blogs

Matt
Matt
2 years ago

I think the lack of transfer news maybe causing something to happen somewhere and if it has happened then i hope you happen upon someone who will help you make it unhappen

Big Ticket
Big Ticket
2 years ago

I think Arsenal should focus their attention on getting Atom and Humber to sign new deals. Atom and Humber are the key to keeping Alexis

jwone
jwone
2 years ago
Reply to  Big Ticket

Little known factoid:
Neither Atom, nor Humber, have ever been whistled for a hand ball.

Big Ticket
Big Ticket
2 years ago
Reply to  jwone

So many Hand of Dog goals

A different George
A different George
2 years ago
Reply to  Big Ticket

If Maradona had been dyslexic.

Virgin_Desmond
Virgin_Desmond
2 years ago
Reply to  Big Ticket

Who’re Atom and Humber??

Bai Blagoi
Bai Blagoi
2 years ago

what is this i don’t even

Bill
Bill
2 years ago
AlanF
AlanF
2 years ago

What????

Ron
Ron
2 years ago

Take that, click-whores of the world wide web! I expect the phenonemon of morons feeling unjustifably entitled to spew their uninformed opinions into the internet will now cease.

Kate
Kate
2 years ago

Mummy

simon
simon
2 years ago

i know this was meant to be cryptic…..but even as a daily reader, i’m still not 100 percent if your talking about Sanchez, Mbappe or Voldemort?

Unoriginal Paul
Unoriginal Paul
2 years ago
Reply to  simon

Voldemort is the defensive midfielder we’ve been crying out for. Light on his feet, likes to get stuck in, great wand work.

simon
simon
2 years ago

wait, have we signed a puppy? now i get it!!!

Double98
Double98
2 years ago

6 – Piers Morgan weighs in using the thing that didn’t happen, that happened as evidence to support his agenda.

Puppies should eat Piers Morganses – then they would be awesome squared

Original Paul
Original Paul
2 years ago

Did something happen?

Original Paul
Original Paul
2 years ago
Reply to  Original Paul

Thanks for the downs love it here ❤️

North Bank Gooner
North Bank Gooner
2 years ago

Does this mean if Real sign Mbappe I get a new tricycle?

Johar
Johar
2 years ago

If anything’s going to happen, it won’t happen before Saturday when July happens to start. That happens to be the beginning of the happening season.

uncle D
uncle D
2 years ago

If Arsenal don’t sign someone for big money! I predict a riot!

Jeff
Jeff
2 years ago

I’ll have a shitload of what you’re on please Blogs ??

Lula
Lula
2 years ago

Put down the Foucault, blogs.

It\'llneverHappen
It\'llneverHappen
2 years ago

The thing that doesn’t happen at The Arse every year has now become the standard by which other things that don’t happen are compared with when they don’t happen either…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0crokqG2uYg

Arsenal, Canon both corporate bywords for not happening,
just when you thought it might,
but always knew it wouldn’t.

Highbury
Highbury
2 years ago

Thank god, finally some clarity in this issue.