The transfer windows are closed, the first Interlull is out of the way, and the dust has settled – so it’s time for the Arseblog Player Profiles for 2019-20.
Every first team player is featured, with an in-depth look into what they’re all about, plus some stuff you never knew about them.
Please note: Arseblog News makes no assurances that these are in any way in-depth, or even accurate in any way. The value of your investment in time reading these may go down as well as up. In fact, it’s almost certainly going to be something you regret. For a full refund please send a stamped addressed envelope to Arseblog, 7 Dublin, Ireland, Europe. Allow 28 decades for a reply. Terms and conditions apply.
Pros: Great shot stopper, has become dominant in his area, one of the Premier League’s best keepers.
Cons: Does not have eight arms like Dr Octopus to fully offset the weakness in our defence.
Little known fact: His early ambition was to become a member of German hip-hop outfit Die Fantastischen Vier, but failed to convince them he was good enough to be fünf.
Pros: Had a good loan spell at Reading where he got a good spell of first team football under his belt. Good with his feet.
Cons: At 26 years of age, he’s still relatively inexperienced, so that’s a bit of a worry if he’s called on for any prolonged period this season.
Little known fact: As the club’s longest serving player he gets to decide what pudding to have for the pre-match meals, and disappoints everyone with his love of a watery, custard flan known in Argentina as ‘Watery, custard flan’.
Nickname: Matthew Reginald Artimus Constantinople Wayne Macey
Pros: Is enormously tall. Like an Ent. But with more supple limbs.
Cons: Does not have a lot of first team experience, but he’s third choice and unlikely to much action unless there’s an emergency.
Little known fact: His original family name was different, but when they became feared in the neighbourhood for dispensing chloride tear gas dissolved in hydrocarbon solvents via a small aerosol spray can they decided to become the Maceys.
Nickname: Forty Coats
Pros: Quick, fast, rapid, speedy, lightning full back. Improved defensively last season until the injury struck. Also, a right on dude who cares about things we should all care about.
Cons: Only the potential impact of the cruciate, but he’s working hard so hopefully that won’t be a problem.
Little known fact: Will save the world and become its benevolent dictator ensuring a fair crack for everyone (except the twats).
Nickname: The Bird Catcher or Watcher or Something Like That To Do With Birds
Pros: A versatile player who can feasibly cover a number of positions. Filling in at right back now, but has played left back, in the front three and in midfield.
Cons: Perhaps in danger of Oxing himself by not nailing down one position.
Little known fact: Renowned for catching birds, he once tried to perch an emu on his shoulder but gave up due to deep lacerations in his neck.
Pros: Loves the physical side of the game and is comfortable playing as part of a two-man or three-man defence.
Cons: He’s the only man in the world that thinks you can get away with actual bodily harm by shrugging your shoulders.
Little known fact: He was so incensed by Laurent Koscielny’s decision to quit Arsenal that he launched a hostile takeover of the Frenchman’s accordion factory. It will now make tiny violins instead.
Pros: Looks great in a vest, has a very solid hairline, can play both in defence or midfield and, like all Southampton Academy graduates, has been injected with the ‘nice boy’ DNA.
Cons: Probably hasn’t played as well for the Gunners since he schooled Demba Ba in 2014.
Little known fact: To mark his successful loan spell at Fulham, Chambers bought the Michael Jackson statue that once stood outside Craven Cottage from the National Football Museum. It’s now in his living room.
Pros: Better than Cannavaro.
Cons: Banjaxed his ACL last season.
Little known fact: Introduced to country music by his American girlfriend, Holding now insists on wearing cowboy boots wherever he goes. Even in the gym. Addicted to waffles with bacon and syrup sprinkled with Hershey’s chocolate even though it tastes like sick.
Pros: An experienced centre-back with titles to his name in three countries. He’s great on the ball, can take a decent free kick and ping it long.
Cons: His blooper reel is quite long, also he’s spent way too much time around Chelsea players, so who knows what bad habits he’s picked up.
Little known fact: It’s a wig.
Pros: Is a defender.
Cons: Spends most of his days sitting in a bath of horse placentas.
Little known fact: An avid viewer of The Great British Bake Off, Dinos has a tattoo of Paul Hollywood’s face on his upper thigh.
Nickname: The Tattoo
Little known fact: If you say his name three times into a mirror at the stroke of midnight on halloween night, he’ll appear behind you, attempt to slide tackle you, miss, and somehow give away a penalty against Arsenal in their next game.
Pros: Great at defending expensive vehicles and teammates from armed attackers.
Cons: Defending the left side of a football pitch.
Little known fact: Was recently approached by Eddie Hearn who wants the Bosnian to wrestle a brown bear in Madison Square Garden next summer.
Nickname: The Choirboy
Pros: A quick, solid defender who can actually defend. He can get forward and contribute to the attack, but also get back and do his main job.
Cons: A bit injured at the moment.
Little known fact: Ex-Gunner Graham Dougan is the second husband of his mum’s sister Claire.
Pros: Can kick a football very hard. Has very precise hair.
Cons: Quite often wafts passes to opponents who then score. Clumsier than an elephant in a china shop but still insists on charging into china shops at full pelt rather than just waiting outside for someone else to go in and buy the requisite pottery.
Little known fact: When he was a kid, his parents gave him the key to the house ahead of his older brother Flint as a sign of their trust in him. He held a three day Nintendo Wii party in which the entire place was trashed. Granit said, “These things happen”.
Pros: Great reader of the game, wins tackles, intercepts, can use the ball well, and pop up with goals at key moments.
Cons: From Unai Emery’s point of view, he’s not 7’6, which leaves the Spaniard a bit twitchy.
Little known fact: Despite being the smallest member of the squad, he actually has the biggest feet; a whopping size 15.
Nickname: Sideshow Jr
Pros: 20 year old midfielder with massive potential and self-confidence. Has taken to the Premier League like a duck to water.
Cons: Still thinks he can win free kicks by just falling over, but referees have almost always used up their quota of those by awarding them to Harry Kane.
Little known fact: Is deathly afraid of otters. This is known as Ohnotanottaphobia.
Nickname: Big Willy
Pros: Stylish, confident, home grown midfielder who looks like he’s been at it for years instead of just making his first team breakthrough.
Cons: All we can think of at this point is relative inexperience.
Little known fact: Before driving to training each morning he sends a message to older brother Chris reminding him that he should never have left Arsenal. Chris doesn’t like it.
Pros: Nimble-footed, he brings another layer of zip and creativity to midfield. Likes a shot, makes things happen.
Cons: He’s only on loan and therefore we can’t bring ourselves to fall in love with him because the pain of his inevitable departure will hurt us too much.
Little known fact: An anagram of his named is ‘Called Bonsai’
Nickname: The Ghost
Pros: A wonderfully creative playmaker with supreme vision and the ability to pick a pass through the eye of a needle, and also a defence.
Cons: Has made more appearances for his Fortnite team than Arsenal of late. Struggles above the 52nd parallel north.
Little known fact: There are no unknown facts about Mesut Ozil, and if you suggest there might even be one his army of Twitter Stans will make sure you regret it.
Emile Smith Rowe
Nickname: Emi. Or Smithy. Or Rowey.
Pros: Deceptively effective attacking midfielder with an eye for goal. Could be an 8 or a wide player in the current set-up.
Cons: Injury worries just hampering his development a bit at the moment.
Little known fact: Just for shits and giggles he occasionally edits his Wikipedia page to add a hyphen to his name.
Nickname: Mr Laca
Pros: World class goalscorer. Has the most infectious laugh in the world.
Cons: Does miss a few but he tends to make up for it.
Little known fact: He always colour matches his trainers with his cars. Silver kicks, silver car. Blue runners, blue car.
Nickname: Mr Auba
Pros: Quality striker, won player of the season last year, scores goals, makes goals, has a great line in an understated celebration.
Cons: Could he score 5-6 more goals per season?
Little known fact: Almost signed for Atletico Madrid, but when boss Diego Simeone insisted that in order to finalise the deal Laca would have to get a haircut like his son, he changed his mind and ended up joining Arsenal instead.
Nickname: Steal Denims
Pros: Lightning fast wide forward with great dribbling skills who can score and create.
Cons: Might take him a little while to settle into English football.
Little known fact: Once, when playing for Lille, he murdered a seagull with a wayward show. The seagull dropped onto the head of a man in the crowd who had a heart attack, but thankfully survived and afterwards found himself with the ability to play the piano like a concert pianist. The talent lasted just three weeks before he was reduced to picking out ‘chopsticks’ with his index fingers.
Pros: Skillful wide player with bags of potential and an ability to score cracking goals.
Cons: Consistency and decision making are things he needs to work on.
Little known fact: Julian Nagelsmann dropped Reiss from the Hoffenheim squad for two games last season after learning the winger repeatedly spent evenings gorging on pastries at Hoffenheim’s famous Seppl’s Backstube bakery.
Nickname: The Bratalian
Pros: Is a Brazilian forward, the potential based on that alone is exciting. Think Ronaldo. Ronaldinho. Romario. Rivaldo. Jo.
Cons: What if he Freds a Kleberson right up his Anderson?
Little known fact: Received passport advice from both Edu and Silvinho. The authorities never suspected a thing.