We know that Sky Sports love a good transfer. They’ve built a whole day around it, so much so that we believe, quite sincerely, that Hallmark are preparing a range of Happy Transfer Deadline Day cards for the next one.
You would like to think, however, that after the window had closed, and with Arsenal facing four tremendously exciting, top class games of football, that they might be able to find a question or two about that instead.
You would think wrong. This is what happened at today’s press conference. After some team news, and a small bit of chat about the Liverpool game, Sky’s Nick Collins says, “Just one last one from me, I know the summer transfer window is a long, long way away yet but there’s all sorts of big names that get linked … the likes of Dzeko and Mandzukic and Costa and Draxler.
“I mean I’m not asking you to specifically comment on them but are they the kind of players you would hope to be looking at as potential targets?”
Arsene Wenger, as always (except that time when Neil Trashton got it in the neck and it made us laugh), takes it in his stride and answers politely.
“You understand certainly very well that at the moment my focus is on Liverpool and not the transfer market.”
He is the very measure of diplomacy, but he must be wondering if there’s no escape from those kind of questions from Sky. We got to wondering too …
[divider]
Scene: Waitrose, Holloway Road, London.
Time: Late evening.
Arsene Wenger is holding a packet of curly kale in his hand. “Eugh,” he mutters under his breath. “This is just a fad, the next hipster thing, like playing a quartet of medium sized, tippy tappy midfielders.”
He picks up a celeriac instead. He turns around and who should be standing there, inches from his face, but Nick Collins of Sky Sports.
“Hello Arsene,” he says, the dead, dead smile of the robotic reporter on his face.
“Oh … err … hello.”
“Doing some shopping?”
“Well, I believe this is … er … a supermarket. People normally come here to shop.”
“Everyone needs to eat!”
“Yes,” Arsene laughs, a bit nervously. “Anyway, I must-”
“Speaking of shopping though, and I know the transfer window isn’t opening for another 5 months, but can you comment on reports that you’re planning a move for outrageously talented young German Len Trexler?”
“Look, er …I can’t-”
“What about Dimitri Goalalov? Randall Poppintree? Ivorian wonderkid Cranston James? US star Hingle McCringleberry?”
“I … er …”
“Clint Dimbler?! Jose Antonio Antonio Jose Rodriguez? Jaques le But? Morten Olafson? Paddy-”
Wenger throws his celeriac down and runs for the exit. He reaches the car park, fumbling for his keys, his cold fingers in the February air making opening the door difficult. Eventually, he gets into the car, puts both hands on the steering wheel, bows his head and exhales deeply a few times.
When he has composed himself, he starts the engine, turns on the lights, and looks in the rear-view mirror to begin reversing.
Suddenly, Collins head appears from the back seat.
“Hello Arsene. Scott Hollister? YipYip Toure? Manifold Cabernet? …
From outside the car a blood curdling scream is heard.
[divider]
Scene: David Dein’s yacht, the mediterranean, summer.
Time: Afternoon.
Arsene Wenger is standing the by slide. He’s been down it about 40 times already but he loves it so much.
“David!” he shouts. “I’m just going to do one more!”
“Ok, Arsene. But don’t be long, Darren has brought Cesc and Thierry along to serve us cocktails. You should see what he’s got them wearing!”
“I won’t,” says Wenger, hitching up his swimming trunks.
He takes a breath and launches himself down the slide. His gleeful “Wheeee!” makes David Dein look over at his old friend speeding towards the sea. Then he notices a shape in the water … that dreaded familiar dorsal fin.
“ARSENE!”, he cries. “LOOK OUT!”
But it’s too late. The shark is right at the end of the slide and Arsene is about to enter the water right where his mouth will be. He tries to cling onto the slide but his momentum is too great.
“Merde, to go out like zis …”, he mutters as he enters the water. He comes up thrashing, remembering that months ago, at half-time in a Czech Division III game, he saw a documentary where a surfer punched a shark in the snout and it swam off.
He connects with something. Hurrah. Perhaps there’s a chance. Slowly, a head appears.
“Ow, you got me right in the schnozz you big lug!”, smiles Nick Collins. “So, Grant McGillycuddy? Trevor Banjo? Laurent Strickerson? Lionel Gambit?”
The Arsenal manager relaxes, and lets the cool, eternal embrace of the ocean take him away from it all.
Sigh, I already thought we signed McCringleberry. MAKE A SIGNING ARSÉNE!
Cause it’s not like we already have a team of killers that are top of the league
We must have signed for the summers! There is no way Arsene would have let go of such a talent.
Also, why do you do such bad things to pets? 🙁
Also…also that joke is old.
My sources are ITK. They say it’s a done deal.
Wenger must feel cursed that he has to sit through these press things.
hahaha. Thanks Blogs. ^_^
Yes, I enjoyed this too. Seems like you’re having a bully day.
Though, I wonder what would have happened if you had just cut to black like The Sopranos did.
I can’t be alone in thinking that was the perfect ending?
I’m surprised he’s not tried various way to top himself or the reporters in question. Every press conference is like Ground Hogg Day for him! Without Andie Macdowell to make any of it bearable!!
Just saw the press conference on Arsenal player….embarrassing is the only word I can come up with. It just sounded so ridiculous to be asking that question in the current context. I thought another gem was whether it is psychologically important to stop Suarez given that we tried to sign him. Yes, I’m sure that if Suarez scores, our boys will turn to salt and crumble on the spot because the goal was scored by a player we tried to sign. However, if Sturridge scores we’ll shake it off and respond in our usual way…..who pays these people to ask… Read more »
Loved that Len Trexler is the first choice.. Danger Zone!!
The one person I think of when I start losing my temper is Wenger. The gaffer is a different level of calm.
I disagree.
I’d love to see those transfer whores faces when we win the league come may and these journalists are dumbfounded and say to themselves” but Chel$ea and man shitty spent more…”
cunts
Len Trexler…..absolutely genius…loving the way archer is back.
Laughed so hard at this. Imagine Arsene on a slide ;D tears of laughter. And the Sky cunt popping up behind the car seat!!
There are genuine pictures of Arsene Wenger on a slide.
Media coverage is just sad. Bloggers over journalists any day of the year!
Well, you won’t have to imagine it..
http://www.kckrs.com/its-arsene-wenger-on-a-water-slide-wooooo/
I love you Arseblog. You sooo funny
You should write fictional novels Blogs, you are very creative
Class!
Died laughing…!!
Awesome Blogs is Awesome.
On the skysports website, it also says Wenger confirms he won’t be putting another bid in for Suarez.
Well I’m glad he’s cleared that up…..
…..for the millionth time!
Laughed till I coughed my lungs out when I saw Len Trexler!
So what happened in the end? Did Arsene let himself drown or just float away peacefully (happy that he wasn’t eaten by a shark)? Seriously, I need to know.
Do you even read, bruh?.. “The Arsenal manager relaxes, and lets the cool, eternal embrace of the ocean take him away from it all.”
That’s what I mean….”take him away from it all”. Goodbye cruel world.
I hope he sighs in the pool of glory (trophy), and allow it all to take him away…#COYG!!!
Blogs! You should seriously think of writing a book or a screenplay. You are too funny
Let’s play a little game.
Someone posts a press conference like question to Wenger and his answer to it. Then someone else must post a tabloid style sensationalistic bullshit headline.
I’ll start:
Journalist 1: so Arsene what do you think of the upcoming fixture congestion? Is that a problem for you?
Arsene: well it’s not ideal, but all ze teams have a little bit this problem so we have to make do with it.
Headline?
“Wenger slams fixture lists. Faces backlash from FA”
brillant.
I couldn’t try making up something….the bastards have talent, however paradoxical, I must say.
We are clear favourites: Wenger. *then the subhead [or teaser]* Arsenal boss has reiterated that Bayern Munich have nothing to lose in the upcoming champions league crunch tie against his high flying side. Arsenal who have opened a considerable lead in the domestic league [read more…]
Congestion Charge!
Wenger says fixture list mayhem will wreck everyones title bid. The premier league may well end up with no winner due to FA and Premier League incompetance.
Paddy Power now makes leicester 4/6 favorites for the league.
Is it tim stillman or blogs who comes up with this?
Hahaha. Please sign Clint Dimbler. Sounds like the wife’s midnight botherer.
HA! Oh boy that was indeed a good laugh to start my day. Funniest thing I’ve read here in a while (and that’s saying something)
All arseblog ever seem to do is unflinchingly agree with Arsene Wenger and the way things are going in the transfer market etc how can you say that just because we are top of the league we don’t need a top class striker and maybe another defender when we have our toughest stretch to come now up until April? Look at Chelsea spending 50m quietly in the transfer window on the likes of Matic who without signing such a player might not have beaten City. We’ve lost the talismanic Walcott who was the only shining light against City in December,… Read more »
SIiiigh…. I bet you are one of them
Who would you have bought in January, who you know is available, fit, of world-class quality, would want to uproot and come here mid-season before a world cup, who’s club would allow their best striker to leave mid-season with little chance of finding a replacement, could hit the ground running and adapt quickly, wouldn’t disrupt the balance of our squad, wouldn’t disrupt the harmony of the dressing room, and finally who is affordable (as we don’t have Man City levels of wealth – even if some people seem to think we do)? Or maybe it really is as easy as… Read more »
Yes Yes, we all know january is allmost impossible to get top quality signings, allthough both United and Chelsea got a couple in Mata and Matic. But in general its not easy. but the concern over the striker position especially was also voiced last summer. But he opted to hold on to Bendtner instead of going the xtra mile and get a real competitor for Giroud’s place like Higuain. If we will have the money next summer to do business Anyway, then we could have spent it last summer and signed Higuain And Ozil for example. If this took us… Read more »
” i think it is silly how many Arsenal supporters celebrate top 4 place like we won the title year after year.”
This ^^^^^ has never happened.
We do howver celebrate qualification for the champions league like we just qualified for the champions league.
And of course St Totteringham’s Day.
Some fans want us to slam the manager for qualifying for the champions league and always finishing ahead of spurs.
Some fans want us to go an buy players to replace the players who have us top of the league.
Some fans are not fans.
FFS, thats why we need lionel gambit
We don’t want Gambit. He’s a wimp. We need Purdey.
I know. I am equally disappointed. Hingle McCringleberry would have blown the roof right off the Emirates….oh wait.
I hear we have just signed a sponsorship deal with LEGO. They are going to build us a revolutionary lightweight stadium roof in the shape of Arteta’s hair.
But…what *were* Cesc & Thierry wearing??? My imagination is running wild!
Denis Bergkamp replica kits
Cesc wore a dress.
Thierry wore a Tutu.
It like saying ” I know I am stupid, but do you think I am as good as Einstein .”
Is that McCringleberry any good?
McCringleberry? Top, top quality.
Top of the league with a striker on 12 goals, it’s obviously not as crucial to have a suarez when you have a plethora of goal scoring midfielders. Who’s to say second half of the season will go any differently, we have been a model of consistency so far. I wonder if Pellegrinis lack of winning pedigree matched with it being his debut season will end up bolloxin them ( here’s hoping) I would also take our current squad over Chelsea’s any day.
McCringleberry’s aces! Tha South Carolina Erik Lamela
I hate all the Collins..be it Phil or Nick…
Surely Arsene could have signed a perfect striker to assist Giroud,also another defensive midfielder was needed to help Flamini,and ofcourse another strong defender was also needed!If we got those prayers it wiil be fantastic and good competenters,so in your story it shows Wenger is likely to drown in this month,if we win the two games ie Pool and Man u we shall be counted on premier title.