EXCLUSIVE: New Arsenal fine list revealed

There’s a photograph doing the rounds (see above), taken at Arsenal’s London Colney training HQ originally posted by @bootifulgame on Twitter, showing an A4 sign that outlines how Arsene Wenger clamps down on ill-discipline in the Gunners camp.

From turning up late to wearing the wrong kit, there’s a fine for pretty much everything. It isn’t though the only list which exists, as Arseblog News can exclusively reveal…

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• Smoking shisha in a nightclub (and getting caught on camera) – £2,000 + six months watching Sam Allardyce get undressed at West Ham
• Hugging an opponent after a defeat – £1,000 + room with Sebastien Squillaci for 3 months
• Not wearing Dr Dre headphones when stepping off team bus – £250
• Not having a new tattoo on the forearm/elbow area in the last month – £1,000
• Saying the word DENCH / Wearing any clothing that says DENCH – £500
• Repeatedly retweeting busty 18-year-old blondes at the expense of sad 30-something men claiming it’s their birthday  – £500
• Driving at 175mph to training – 2 weeks wages + publicly swap shirts with RVP
• Revealing the secret to Mikel Arteta’s perfect hair – £4,000 + a month teaching Craig Eastmond grammar
• Trying to sell own-brand jewellery before training – £500 + kick in the groin + spell on the bench with Juventus
• Sitting in Lukasz Fabianski’s treatment room rocking chair – £250
• Knocking over autograph hunters outside the Tollington – £150
• Losing all semblance of form – Arsenal Player interview duty for six months
• Taunting Vito Mannone with a generic Italian gangster voice – Punch in the liver from Boro Primorac
• Using Olivier Giroud’s vanity mirror without permission- £500
• Hitting five consecutive free-kicks into opposition wall – £500
• Messing with the zip on the boss’ favourite jacket – Transfer listed
• Hiding Vic Akers’ shorts – That’s a paddlin’
• Failing to high-five or hug Gunnersaurus when opportunity arises – cone duty for a month
• Doing a ‘Compare the Meerkat’ voice when Arshavin waddles in – £250 (Updated- no fine, he likes it…crazy bastard)
• Not using at least three hideous clichés in post-match Sky interviews – £1,000 + letter of apology to Geoff Shreeves
• Using ‘da ting’ (e.g) ‘pass da ting’ when asking a teammate to give you the ball – £1,000
• Failing to get a corner past the near post – £250 + three minutes in a booth with Frimpong’s screeching rapper mate
• Rugby tackling opponent in the box – £1,000 + 1 game ban + must clean hair from shower plug-holes for 1 week. No, that’s not shampoo
• Tackling Diaby in training – £5,000
• Mistaking Neil Banfield for the postman – £350
• Asking for a happy ending in the massage room – £2,500
• Revealing the truth about Ju-Young Park – washing the boss’ car for the rest of the season.

All fines will be posted on the information screen in the First Team Dressing Room at the end of the month. All fines to be paid in cash to the Big Effing German within 7 days of being posted.

If not paid within 7 days – all fines will be doubled.

By order of and signed by Le Prof.  

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