Goalkeepers
Pros: Hugely experienced, now retired from international football so all his focus is on Arsenal. Has won pretty much everything. Great helmet.
Cons: His near post from distance.
Former clubs: Chmel Blšany, Sparta Prague, Rennes, Chelsea
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Good shot stopper, experienced international, seems happy enough to play cup and Champions League. Solid back-up for Cech.
Cons: If there’s a line, he’ll stand behind it. Much to the annoyance of his wife when they’re in a supermarket and he gets into the busiest queue.
Former clubs: Atletico Nacional, Nice
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Does not take a packet of Benson and Hedges into the showers. Is tall. Likes a loan move. Potential fan of Stuart Taylor.
Cons: Doesn’t really get to play much, needs a good run in the EFL Cup.
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Defenders
Pros: Once played professional football, so if ever called upon again should know what to do.
Cons: Doesn’t seem to like it much at Arsenal. Nobody knows where he is.
Former clubs: Lille, Newcastle United, Bordeaux (loan)
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Is left-footed which is quite handy for a career as a left-back.
Cons:
Former clubs: n/a
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Hugely respected, leader in the dressing room, excellent techno dancer.
Cons: Not getting any younger, a bit injured at the moment,
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros:
Cons:
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: One of the best central defenders in Europe, will pop up with a crafty goal when needed, has pockets big enough to fit Diego Costa in.
Cons:
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: A centre-half of some promise, still in the early stages of his career. His name is an anagram of Old Bighorn.
Cons: Still quite raw, has a lot to learn. His name is an anagram of I’d blog horn.
Former clubs: Bolton Wanderers
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Consistent, reliable, reliably consistent, and consistently reliable. Can kick an orange into a fridge.
Cons:
Former clubs: Osasuna, Malaga
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: 24 years of age, loves a sliding tackle, has settled into his new club very nice after a £35m transfer. Could easily pass for a young Hank Scorpio.
Cons: His first name took a while to remember how to spell.
Former clubs: Everton, Sampdoria, Valencia
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: He’s cool, he’s fast, dresses like someone who is setting the trends for 3 years from now, loves it at the Arsenal.
Cons: Has some DNA which may make him attractive to massive, preening twats.
Former clubs: Barcelona
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Midfielders
Pros: On his day a remarkably effective part of the Arsenal attacking machine. Scores some brilliant goals.
Cons: It’s hard to know exactly where he fits into the side at the moment, persistent injuries don’t help in that regard.
Former clubs: Cardiff City.
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Laser-guided passes and creativity add an extra dimension to this Arsenal side. Has a left foot that can open tins of beans.
Cons: Maybe doesn’t score enough goals.
Former clubs: Werder Bremen, Real Madrid.
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Pace. Power. Physicality. He has it the qualities to be a top player. A witty compère for in-house video stuff.
Cons: He doesn’t always appear to know how to use those attributes. Lacks confidence.
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Has two feet. Like most players, but unlike most players can use them to kick a football with. Relentlessly happy, very rarely gives the ball away.
Cons: Perhaps not as much end product as there should be from a player of his quality.
Former clubs: Osasuna, Villarreal, Malaga
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: An imposing physical midfielder player with a left-foot like a traction engine, destined for great things if he keeps working hard.
Cons: At previous clubs has picked up a few too many red cards. So far so good though …
Former clubs: FC Basel, Borussia Mönchengladbach.
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Is The Jeff.
Cons: There is only one of him.
Former clubs: Lens
Little known fact:
Favourite film: 22 Jump Street
Pros: Tenacious, combative, intercepty, tackly midfielder who adds some bite to the team.
Cons: Doesn’t score 40 yard thunderbolts or thread passes through the eye of a needle. Picks up too many first half yellow cards.
Former clubs: n/a
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: A really consistent midfield presence, keeps the game moving well, always available for a pass and has rarely played poorly.
Cons: Spending too much time on the bench due to midfield depth.
Former clubs: FC Basel, El Mokawloon
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Forwards
Pros: Non-stop relentless effort and energy from a player who just wants to win all the time. Growing into a role at centre-forward.
Cons: Still insists on sprinting to training from his house every morning.
Former clubs: Cobreloa, River Plate, Colo-Colo, Udinese, Barcelona,
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Deportivo’s star man last season might be a bit of a late bloomer, but adds pace and power to the forward line.
Cons: Perhaps not the first on our list last summer in terms of striker recruitment.
Former clubs:
Little known fact:
Favourite film: Cadena Perpetua
Pros: 20 goal a season striker, sweet left foot, good in the air, on his day a real threat.
Cons: Too many other days that aren’t on his day. Beard is becoming worryingly Rasputin-like.
Former clubs: Grenoble, Tours, Montpellier.
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Very fast, and now appears to be trying very hard which is resulting in good form.
Cons: Somewhat brittle, it remains to be seen how long he’ll try very hard for.
Former clubs: Southampton
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: A hugely exciting young talent who shows pace, power and creativity. Now a fixture in the first team having made his breakthrough last season.
Cons: At This Point We Can’t Really Think Of Any Although We’re Sure There Must Be One Or Two ??????
Former clubs: n/a
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: Is alive. We think.
Cons: Injuries have hampered his development. Will be 24 in January so no kid.
Former clubs: Auxerre
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: He’s got the pace and power to make a real difference in that forward line, links up well with Iwobi and gives us something different up front.
Cons: Two serious injuries during his time at the club have robbed him and us of too many months.
Former clubs: Manchester United.
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption
Pros: A promising young striker, willing to work hard and play wherever he’s asked.
Cons: Has a lot in front of him to get any significant playing time. A loan move is probably needed.
Former clubs: n/a
Little known fact:
Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption