*The following is a dramatic re-enactment based on what may or may not be true events*
Arsene enters the pre-Swansea press conference, politely smiles at the ten or so gentlemen sitting before him and starts by answering (with gusto) a regulation question about the FA Cup trip to Swansea from a member of the club’s in-house media team.
He looks around room and spots a salivating journalist wildly waving a dictaphone.
“Arsene…Arsene…Arsene pick me…pick me…” chokes the man.
The Arsenal communications officer gives Arsene a little nudge knowing what’s coming next before directing said journalist to ask his question before he wets himself.
“Arsene. Are you talking to Theo Walcott? Is he going to stay? Have you given him the money? Surely you’ve given him the money he wants? Wouldn’t it be great if he stayed at Arsenal? He’s top scorer for you this season, did you know that? And he’s quick. And he was picked by Sven for the World Cup when he was only 16. You should make him sign. Will he be a legend like Thierry Henry? You’ve got the power to make him stay haven’t you? You’ve not lost it yet…or have you? If you don’t make him sign he’ll go somewhere else. Why do you always sell everybody Arsene? Anyway, I’ve forgotten my original question…but it’s about Theo Walcott, have you anything to say about Theo. Anything at all.”
Arsene punches the Arsenal communications man on the thigh with his bony Gallic knuckle, lets out a sigh, pulls out a well-thumbed copy of ‘Media Platitudes for Winter Transfer Windows 2007-2011 – Volume III’ and begins:
“Well err…we are talking.
“It is very difficult to be predictable in these kinds of situations but our desire is there to do it as quickly as possible and [we are] ready to do it.
“I’m convinced it will have a positive effect on the rest of the team if we sign him.
“We are talking, we want to keep him here. Our priority is to keep players at the club.
“I only speak for our side, and my side is that we want him to stay here.
“Of course I don’t want to speak much more about that situation because it can be misinterpreted and I don’t think he is only interested by money. I don’t believe that.”
The room goes silent for a moment. All that can be heard is the sound of pencils scribbling the short hand for ‘FUCKING BASTARD HAS SHAFTED US AGAIN.’
Suddenly a second question is blurted out, this time from a chap with a coffee stained tie and a little drool wetting the corner of his mouth:
“Demba Ba. Demba Ba. Demba Ba – you’re not signing him? We thought you were interested? What about David Villa? Or Lopez? Adrian Lopez…plays in Spain, we Googled it. You must be signing somebody? Come on Arsene, papers to sell…please.”
Arsene doesn’t need his little leather-bound volume this time; he’s got this answer scribbled on the inside of his eyelids.
“First of all we have to make sure the players who are here stay here, after we look outside,” he says with a wry grin.
“Let’s first try to finalise with Theo Walcott and after if we need something else we will go somewhere else, but our first priority is that.
“The most important players for us are those who are here. Those who are on the transfer market will not help us win the games.”
There’s a baffled look on the collective faces of the assembled journalists. “Surely he didn’t just completely fuck us for the second time in two minutes?”
Silence.
Arsene gets to his feet and walks towards the door in anticipation of a cup of tea. However, before he turns the handle he grins remembering one last piece of news. He doesn’t want them to leave empty handed, that would be rude.
“We have Diaby and Santos coming back into full training. They are not completely match-fit, but they are back.”
He winks and walks out.
“Perhaps I’ll check Twitter in an hour and see how this has gone down with the fans,” he chuckles to himself.
I am so confused right now?
It’s silly season!
Me too , I think some parts of this article were made up . Arsene doesn’t drink tea
Lol well done Master bates;
Your comment literally had me Lol.
As if those matches are not enough… we have to withstand these “articles” now.
Pretty bad time being a gunner these days.
I know, it’s terrible right, it’s like we’re following a sports team, just like everyone else, and struggling with the inevitable, endless, and lovable drama.
I know Arsène jokes a lot but is it true Theo wants to play for free?
sometimes i wonder why the fuck we let benayoun go?
ideally van purse strings and benayoun should have stayed and we should have let arshavin,song,diaby,chamakh,JD and squid leave.
Why the fuck would we have let song go? That’s just stupid. It wouldn’t make any sense to let our only proper defensive minded mid go. O ya, I forgot. If we have it, it’s for sale.
oh fuck. 🙁 Depression.
You’re name is annoyingly negative.
anoyyingly true though? You should give me that.
I also offer to change it should we become good again.
Well it’s a good time for pessimism to thrive, not that I encourage it.
ALL HAIL MIGHTY DIABY
TG’LANS’TEL
????? I know what lans is but what does the rest mean?
The Greatest Like A New Signing To Ever Live!
New Wengerism!!!!!
Adrian Lopez: This window’s M’vila. Ben Fairthorne will be out claiming he’s having a medical any second now!
Best. Post. Ever.
Stop molesting punctuation
And the winner of 2013’s Dr Evil Impression Of The Year Award goes to…..
that was cartmanesque..
One of the funniest articles I’ve read in ages. Thanks Allen.
I’m such a boss.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game…
Brilliant. Pre-January my friends and I discuss who we need to sign, get all excited, get hooked into the spiel from Wenger and Gadzidis about money to buy, looking at 1 or 2 options etc. But then January actually arrives and I realise it has all been like a posh wank where just before climax, it stops! Nobody is signed, mental strength and quality of squad is said, and then Diaby is wheeled out as LANS! I don’t know why we do it to ourselves.
I think we need to put Diaby’s brain in someone elses body or an indestructable robot body. The first bionic man footballer. He would be fucking amazing.
i am so horny right now?
hahaha yeah pretty much sums up a news conference in a funny way! the sad thing is people read so much into what arsene says and then pitch and moan like he is under oath. people need to remember he’s talking to a bunch of cunts that just want to get a headline…
Made my day. Thanks Blogs.
Do we or don’t we think Walcott is worth what he’s been wanting, i.e. the same wages as Podolski? If we do, we should have agreed to it 18 months ago. If we don’t, we should be sticking to our guns. This dithering around just makes us look weak, clueless and desperate – which alas is what we’ve become. Will we be dithering over Walcott for the whole window, only at twenty to eleven on 31 January to accept that he and his agent have had the whip hand from the outset, at which point we’ll sell him for pennies… Read more »
My (understandably unpopular) point stated in Wenger’s own words: “First of all, what I have said is that we have to make sure the players who are here stay here. After that we look outside, so let’s try and finalise the deal with Theo Walcott and after if we need something else we will look outside.” In the same article on ESPN Wenger acknowledges that he has no idea whether Walcott will now sign, yet we’re not even starting to think about a replacement till we’ve given up hope? This after eighteen months of no progress? So much for the… Read more »
Do you not think that Arsene knows the situation, having been in it a number of times before, and – crucially – not relying upon hearsay and leaks and rumours, because he actually talks to Theo. Theo is as good as gone if he can find a club to sign him, but he’ll go on a free. However, two of his possible destinations (Chelsea and Liverpool) have just signed strikers, Man U have an ex-Arsenal striker whose a little bit better at playing centrally, and City don’t need him either. Anywhere else is a step down for him looking at… Read more »
Mills that last sentence says it all, I honestly believe we have fallen to Theo’s level now. How sad is that last line though.
Easily the best article I’ve read all year
I seem to remember a Gary Neville/Carl Jenkinson nightclub scenario theorised by this blog during the year that would push your claim pretty damn close.
You do know that’s not saying much…the year is only three days old.
Don’t forget Bendtner is out on loan, who we could call back in an emergency. He’s had loads of experience warming the bench at Juve which he could put to good practice here!
Anyone know when Bendtner’s contract is finally up? Every year I’ve been thinking it’s got to be in a few months, only to find season after season that he and his wages are still with us. He must be due for a testimonial by now.
“…our priority is to keep players at the club.” Hahaha!! Since when was that a priority?
Call it our last priority… that’s still a priority right? (And you could say our second-to-last priority seems to be signing new, reliable players.)
Yeah that made me smile too.
Lol, I’m surprised no journo picked that up!
Journo: When did Arsenal change its prorities in regards to keeping its players?
Arsene: after we cashed the Cheque from Songs sale.
Why on earth did this so called manager play with our collective intelligent. We all know his usual plans and at the end of the transfer excise he will end up not finding the right player. Let be sincere with ourselves, this is not the manager we need for now. We will end up not even going to the champion league talk less of even winning a trophy this season. As a gunner I ‘ m sick and tried of this man. Let him and the board go to hell for all I care. David Villa, Adrian and M’Villa and… Read more »
“Arsenal Football Club is open to receive applications for the position of TEAM MANAGER. He must be experienced and possess the highest qualifications for the post, both as to ability and personal character. Gentlemen whose sole ability to build up a good side depends on the payment of heavy and exorbitant transfer fees need not apply.”
Sounds like Wenger to me.
This is the advert that Herbert Chapman replied to…plus ça change.
Theo has scored 8 league goals and one in europe ( i am not counting the league cup as its the league cup) making 9 goals in those top comps this season. Of the players Wenger brought in last year, Giroud has scored 6 in the league and 1 in europe (7), Podolski 6+3 (9) and santi 7 in the league. I think that those facts fly in the face of your emotional comments. We can absolutely afford to let theo go if we replace him with proven quality. And we will strengthen in other areas. For me midfield steel… Read more »
See, I can spin your numbers in another fashion: Theo has more goals in significantly less time (he was benched / had a minor injury for roughly two months) on pitch than those highly paid internationals. To replace him, we’d probably have to pay similar wages as he is demanding PLUS 10-15 million pounds for the transfer fee. Plus the adaptation period, etc. Also, deprecate to your heart’s content, Theo’s dominant performances in the Capital One Cup, but the fact of the matter is that he was the main difference-maker in those games and approached them professionally. If he had… Read more »
I agree with you, but losing Theo isn’t just about what happens on the pitch. Losing another established and long serving first team player is another huge morale blow to the fans and the players, you can only imagine the thoughts of a player such as Sagna who is nearing a similar position, when he sees another player leave rather than sign a contract. Then again the 5 new contracts of the British boys plus Kos and Verm last year does equally show we can buck the trend and also not concede to extreme player demands. I realise I’ve just… Read more »
You just need to question your intelligence.
this is brilliant
‘FUCKING BASTARD HAS SHAFTED US AGAIN.’
fucking gold right there Allen
on a side note, i just saw tony pulis without a hat on. the light just beams off his head! its blinding
Does it shine like Fergie’s nose?
Sorry to bring the discussion back to Walcott (again), but surely with Sturridge at Liverpool and Ba on the cusp at Chelsea then he, er, has run out of other options mayhaps?
As bonkers as Citeh are I just don’t find the stories linking them with Theo that credible. Juve have already loaned the World’s best striker off us, Barca aren’t keen. So, who else eh?
weren’t Juve interested too at one point? But of course they are now rummaging through Fernando Llorente’s wifes knicker drawer. Of course the fact he hasn’t signed shows we are indeed playing hard ball and calling his bluff. Maybe we need some ‘Arsenal boys’ to go round to his gaffe in the middle of the night and knock on his door….
ah wait I think he still lives with his mum and dad…..
Walcott’s options? Be rash to rule out United. No, he won’t play centrally there, but he won’t play centrally at any club with the money to afford better. Doesn’t mean he’ll realise that, though. Players rarely assess their own chances realistically and the agents encourage them in their optimism.
I think the thought of him being re-unted with Van Rapist is too much to bear. Imagine all the matey handshakes and backslapping? I’d sooner have us play Scquillaci up front
Honestly, I’m getting bored s**tless with all this Theo contract bollocks. It wasn’t that long ago fans were screaming with fraustration at his amazing ability to run and get the ball stuck under his feet, and wanting him out of the side. Now we’re screaming to keep him.
Oh how low we have sunk quality wise.
I think you’ll find that he’s turned in some really dominating performances this year for us. And he’s obviously one of our best striking options currently (perhaps even the best in our entire squad).
Gold. Take a bow son *claps* Nothing like some light hearted humour to take the edge off…because wow its the 4th of January and people are flipping out and going mental already. It still amazes me how much people read into what Arsene says. He said he had never heard of Cazorla two weeks before he signed him. He’s become the master of giving absolutely nothing away, and in the current transfer market climate that’s exactly the way it should be. I hate when I see people moan, demanding to know everything that’s going on behind the scenes. Just live… Read more »
But, but… where’s LANS?
Diaby will be back soon.
And out injured again even sooner.
Thank you Allen, you made my transfer window 🙂
i suppose when we start to feel sorry for ourselves over our ‘strength in depth’ we can remember the times we had pascal cygan and philipe senderous and david bentley in the team at the same time.
You can pass, run cross,
But you’re nothing without Le Boss.
One day you’re fine, the next you’re crap,
So if you want the fans off your back
Well come on and let us know
Will you stay or will you go?
Will you stay or will you go now?
Will you stay or will you go now?
If you go then we’re in trouble,
And if you stay you’ll get paid double,
So come on Theo, let us know,
Will you stay or will you go?
Sign him up inside this week otherwise put him on sale. Cant wait for the whole jan for him to sign.if he doesnt and we dont get a good offer for him throw him in reserves use him as a target man so young ones can learn how to tackle , please let these be the terms for someone giving a coach a hard time who made hi who he is today.
My head hurts already and we are only 3 days into the window.
If you’re a betting man or woman, which I’m not, here are some current “highlights” just to get you frothing even more. Beckham – we’re 3rd favourites to sign him at 10/1 Zaha – we’re Evens (as are Moan U) Downing – 2nd favourites Nani – favourites at 5/2 Cabaye – favourites at 5/1 M’Vila – favourites at 11/8 On the upside, Chamakh is 1/3 to join West Ham. We’re also “only” 50/1 to sign diving monkeychops from down the road in this transfer window. This to me demonstrates a couple of things: 1. It’s all bollocks 2. I’m bored… Read more »
Amazing! We will be champion this year. Diaby and Santos coming back into full training.
Sadly Diaby can’t stay fit for the whole year 😉
JUST SAYING
Great Article Blogs. Arsenal fans could do with some humour. Transfer windows don’t tend to bring much of that our way these days.
January transfer windows don’t tend to bring us much of anything these days…
I for one will be a little sad if ALL we get during this transfer window is Walcott (on 100 million). Blech.
He’s OK — you know, consistency in patches, blah blah blah, but it’s obvious his signature isn’t the only thing we are missing at the moment.
Wenger never really says anything of substance to the English press and you can’t blame him really as they are a bunch of C*nts.
LOL.
Funniest post of the year for me.
‘Media Platitudes for Winter Transfer Windows 2007-2011 – Volume III’
Fucking class!
Sign SUPER MARIO BALOTELLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha. Great article.
“The most important players for us are those who are here.”
NO! NO! and NO!
Mannone, Squillaci, Santos, Djourou, Denilson, Ramsey, Gervinho, Chamakh, Arshavin, Park and Bendtner are in big need to move away from Arenal FC, as far as possible! Forever!
The Great miserable 11!
Now I need EDIT option…
Arsenal FC
but
Edit should be available just for a short period of time. And we need history for all the posts… it will be very interesting in, let’s say a year or two, to see who was cunt and who was great…
I wouldn’t add Ramsey to that list
If we sign Downing I will wear a my little pony t-shirt for every away game I attend next season
o.O You have a MLP t-shirt…?
I traded it for Nelson Vivas a few years ago
What are you all worried about? Now Theo’s playing the central striker role he’s going to sign, that’s all he wanted all along, he said so himself…….it must be true!
It’s not about the money remember!
But you have to remember that it’s also about the chance to play for trophies besides the vaunted fourth-place trophy.
We got Santos and Diaby back the 4th place is saved, or maybe not. Why isn’t Wenger bringing in new players?
FFS Arsene spend some money and do it now. If u don’t spend the money in January and the club fails to qualify for champions league, most of the supporters will lose their trust for you, including me. So save your own job, because Gervinho and Santos will not give you the 4th place trophy.
I have always liked Wenger but the lack of depth in the squad is obvious.
If we sold him last year nobody would have been much worried.. He had only few good games and that’s after club putting up with him for those treacherous 6 years.
If he truly believes TH to be his idol.. Then he should follow suit in the way he scrored hundreds of goals, made hundreds of assists, brought us 2 premiership titles and never ever fussed about his contract or wages.
Well, he’s finally said it…AGAIN!: “First of all we have to make sure the players who are here stay here, and after we look outside….Let’s try first to finalise with Theo and after that if we need something else, we will go somewhere else, but our first priority is that” Now please don’t start telling me he has to say this, he has to keep things quiet, we always do business quietly. Utter bollocks. How many times have the club come out with this stuff as well as the dreaded ‘like a new signing’ statement, only to mean that when… Read more »
I’m laughing….but I’m crying inside.
I’m crying, but laughing inside…If we don’t sign anyone Wenger has taken us all for complete cunts!!!!!!
[…] his contract and it seems a deal may well be in the offing. There’s a witty piece on Arseblog about that, so you can just click the link and have a […]
Hahahahahaha. At the end of the year, this will be well in contention for one of blogger’s best pieces.
Is it just me or has everyone at arseblog been *boilk*ing to much lately.
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