Little known fact: The reason Lukas Podolski is substituted by Arsene Wenger before the 80-minute mark in every single game is down to a curious body clock idiosyncrasy which dates back to his childhood. Growing up in the Polish town of Gliwice, the only stopwatch available at the local sports centre would malfunction when it reached 78 minutes so all games, by diktat of the local mayor, were deliberately cut by 12 minutes to avoid any controversy. As you might expect football in the region has suffered immensely with many games against rival towns forfeited. Indeed only Podolski’s supreme talent, spotted by scouts on YouvskiTubeski, was enough to persuade professional clubs to take a chance on him despite medicals revealing his body automatically shuts down ten minutes earlier than a normal footballer in anticipation of homemade pizza and a glass of fizzy pop.
Speaking after yesterday’s 5-1 win over West Ham United, a game in which he spanked home a pile-driver before casually setting up three goals in less than 250 seconds, the German international touched on his substitution record without wanting to reveal the embarrassing truth.
“Ask the boss why [it happens] — I don’t know,” said Podolski, a telling look in his eye giving away his knowledge of the crickety old stopwatch.
“When you are a footballer, you will not always play 90 minutes.
“Sometimes you are not happy but this is not important for me,” he continued, his eyes welling up.
“I do it well — I fight for Arsenal, for the club and team and this for me is important. [It is not a fitness issue], no.
“We have a lot of great players. The coaches don’t change the full-back or centre-back — you change always the positions in the front who create something. You have great players and it is not a problem when I am substituted.”
With that Lukas pressed the speed dial button for Dominos as the thought of a large Mighty Meaty pizza and side of Garlic Bread had his salivary glands buzzing.
Arseblog News understands what it’s like not to be able to make it through 90 minutes on a football pitch, our joints made up not of lovely, bendy cartilage but of a crusty bread like material which falls apart in the wet. If you need to talk Lukas our door is always open.
(The German also said some stuff about getting back in the top four, you can watch that on Arsenal Player though…)
Woof woof, he said to the hound. Woof, indeed.
Not sure it troll or……?
the whole thing is just about as puzzling as the signing of park chu young
One of the few Great Mysteries of the Ashburton Grove.
It’ll be fascinating if someone make a list of all the mysteries. Maybe one day we’ll get the answer
I think this calls for another film!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Arsenal_Stadium_Mystery
I thought Park was the korean David Beckham?
Ki-sung yong
szczhocking.
szczhocking. If only fabianski had left poland before via clock was broken
Ummmmm
I don’t think there’s anything more to it other than that Wenger wants to use him in as many games as possible, especially because there aren’t exactly a wealth of players who naturally fit on the left side of the formation. He’s now played in all but one of Arsenal’s 23 league games: you can bet that wouldn’t have happened if he’d kept playing 90 minutes.
“All but two”, that should be (overlooked his illness for the Chelsea game), but you get the idea.
Then look at Cazorla’s case. Wenger must want to rest him but only after he gets injured, I guess.
That’s not how you spell saliva.
Great story though….
should be saliviary in any case.
What’s with the saliva issues? What blogs wrote is correct, they are called ‘salivary glands’. Certainly not saliviary. It mystifies me that someone whose sole point is to attempt to correct English, gets this wrong – even more unforgivable when you can check at the click of a mouse. And people thumbed up too. Bizarre. Unless there’s a joke/sarcasm in there that I’ve missed.
The post has been edited and so I can understand why you are baffled.
Blogs wrote ‘saliver’ initially.
The best no.9 since Alan Smith and one hell of a left boot. I want to see more of those unstoppable rockets flying into the back of the net.
Eduardo before the leg break may have a say on that!
what about Franny?
IF THIS STORY IS NOT BOLLOCKS ,I am a monkey’s chunkey’s.where do you fools get these stories from and how you have the balls to write and print them.
It’s called having an imagination. I guess you don’t have one.
A source close to Lukas Podolski has confirmed the veracity of this story. And I’m talking about a REALLY close source here.
On second checking turns out it was barbecue sauce on his chin.
Wow man. How are you possibly old enough to have access to the internet.
Like Seriously?
I can’t tell on the iPhone, but is this comment written in the long asked for Sarcasm font?
Of course story is bollocks…there was no fizz in pop under Communists.
you dont say?. It was meant to be humorous you stupid fool
This story is complete fiction !!! When Poldo was a little boy there was no sports center in his village, he cannot play longer than 78 minutes because he was bought up playing two 39 minute halves of football, after that the evil ugly troll invaded his village eating all small oys and girls who were not at home in time for tea,he has had a phobia about evil trolls since then and must leave the pitch and rarely goes over ‘rickerty-rackerty bridges on the way off.
Finally shed the #9 curse…
Podolsky is a German machine
Really?
I like pizza and fizzy pop too. Can I play the final 10 minutes or so?
This story has brightened my day, and proved to be the best explanation of Podolski’s usage. The broken clock theory is up there with evolution and the bang big.
Podolski is awesome regardless of how many minutes he plays. That goal last night just proves what he’s got in his locker. I’m so glad he’s an arsenal player and will be for the next 4+ years. More players of his and cazorlas calibre and we will fight for the title next season. COME ON YOU GUNNERS
No. Poldi used to play football and cindalela at the same time day in day out when he was at school. You know, cindalela has to leave before midnight, and the school games started 78 minutes before midnight… As a matter of fact he left his boots, picked up by Arsene Wenger….
erm, cinderella?
I believe he goes back to sweeping up in the dressing rooms when he gets substituted and his kit turns into that horrendous yellow number from 1991.
WHOAH that kit was awesome. My first away shirt and i loved it. I was 13 though.
I non-related Lukas Podolski body clock news…..
Eden Hazard is a cunt! I hope everyone has seen that low class cunt kicking the ball boy yesterday against Swans! He’s always seemed like a cunt to me, then he signed for Chelsea which raised my suspicions and yesterday it was confirmed. How can one team have 2 world class cunts like John Terry and Eden Hazard?
Also, Juve have agreed a 4 year deal with Llorente so he won’t be headed our way (not that we were ever in for him but there was a lot of fan speculation).
You forgot cashley and that cunt luiz, and that cunt ramirez, and oscar is a bit of a cunt too.
If he’d of signed for Arsenal you would be saying the BB deserved it, you muppet.
Fuck no. If it had been Wilshere kicking the boy I wouldn’t be defending him.
But obviously Jack wouldn’t kick some boy out of frustration from losing a game because, obviously, Jack’s not a cunt.
“female student” “broken arm”
Chelski has ‘two’ world-class c*nts? You neglected to mention a certain left-back who left Arsenal for more money and likes to take pictures of his crabby knob
Sorry, that ballboy is a little shit. Just because his dad is a Swansea director he thinks he has some influence in the game, timewasting? Do your fucking job and give the ball back you little twat. I’d have cunted him right in the bracket.
But yeah, send Hazard off. He should have done a ‘petrol pump’ on the kid’s arms instead.
Haha very funny, even do I hate the chaves he was a little shit and it would piss u of if it happened to us
You should mention it’s a joke as well.
Ok may be the line does it.
I was actually unsure until that.
*last line
You ppl should come up with a mobile site as well. My comments always get messed up.
Ever heard of apps?
78 mins is ll it takes for Podolski to turn the match on its head like he did yesterday..
In some cases, a mere 250 seconds is more than adequate.
Broken clocks or not,
It’s nice to have a polished Polish Cannon in Arsenal’s front line
delivering the shelling.
Proceed with further bombardment, Hetman Podolski.
Looking forward to this story being a Daily Star exclusive in the morning 🙂
I hear the scouts at Youvski have insisted that Arkala gives them their ” finding a gooner with a left foot that fires rockets ” badge………..
Whats happening in the picture? Did Giroud try to kiss him again, and actually succeed?
Coming in the next issue:
A German with a sense of Humour!
Have you seen Mertesacker dancing? Comedy gold…
If its like his 360 celebration earlier in the season I want to see it
He looks like that walker out of star wars after its been lassoed and is trying really hard not to fall over.
YouvskiTubeski is basically the world’s best scout.
It’s just a shame he never shows up when the lights (or wi-fi) go out.
I don’t know if this is the real truth but I bet we can soon read it from goal.com as a true story.
‘YouvskiTubeski’?
typical poor english humor!
Hey no one’s holding a gun to your head !!!
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This has to be the best picture of a player that I’ve ever seen. Oh, how we love you Lukas!
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As long as we win,…. and get the performances from Podolski…. who cares….