Nicklas Bendtner has told Arsenal that he simply won’t leave the club until they assist him to realise his childhood dream.
The Danish striker has told officials that he’ll invoke a clause in his contract which allows for an annual renewal, in perpetuity, unless they help him become an astronaut. Or Action Man.
Sources close to The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived told Arseblog News, “Nicklas could have left any time over the last couple of years, but was determined to push Arsenal into this position.
“The recent discussions with Frankfurt were going perfectly well with everything agreed between the clubs until he made his final contract demand: the club’s mascot was to be changed to a kindly, misunderstood monster made of various body parts who would be called ‘FrankenBendtner’.
“He knew they wouldn’t go for it, hence the deal was scuppered.
“It was the same last year when he was tipped to move to Galatasaray. At the last minute he told them they’d have to convert the Hagia Sophia into a number of luxury apartments for he and his entourage to live in.
“Given how many cutlasses were drawn, it’s a wonder he got out of there alive.”
The source claims that Bendtner has grown disillusioned with football, having achieved everything there is to achieve in the game, and spends his days writing folk-gangsta rap music and prowling the grounds of his private zoo.
“He just wants to go into orbit,” the source continued, “or have that cool thing on the back of your head that makes your eyes move.”
Bendtner’s frustrations have been exacerbated by his inability to convince board members this is the best way for all concerned.
It is understood he tried to call Ivan Gazidis a number of times but found the Chief Executive strangely unavailable while Arsene Wenger has an underling fielding calls as he tries to work out the best way to get other clubs to buy all his transfer targets.
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ps – we apologise for the scary headline. We’re sure Arsenal will send Bendtner into space as soon as possible. Possibly on a Chamakh powered rocket with Captain James T Park at the helm.
Can we use his services as Gunnasaurus in this last year he is so desperate to stay?
He doesn’t deserve to be Gunnersaurus! He can be Gunnersaurus’s assistant
He doesnt deserve to be Gunnersaurus’ assistant!
He should be equipped with a shovel and told to follow Gunnersaurus around, cleaning up the steaming piles of Tottenham left in his wake.
He doesn’t deserve to be Gunnersaurus! He can be Gunnersaurus’s assistant
If we pay him we should play him…
Vs Stoke at Home
Vs Stoke Away
Vs Millwalls supporters in the cup
Vs any and whatever team fat Sam is coaching home and away.
Then his wages will be insurance companys problem and Niklas can focus on what he does best.. being a jurk
on twitter and various nightclubs.
Where is park surely we should have taken him to the far east wouldn’t it have given us a few million in shirt sales
I think Park is still in Korea doing the army boot camp.
He got pardoned a while ago.
You may want to follow this link to a very informative piece??
http://news.arseblog.com/2013/06/park-starts-pre-season-early
S.Korean government have forced him to learn how to shoot.
S.Korean government have forced him to learn how to shoot.
Just cancel his contract ffs. Sure it will cost some money but its not like we are doing anything with the money we have anyway and before you say the p word goal.com is running a story about Higuain going to Napoli and goal.com is never wrong
Goal is the worst site on the whole web!
Until i see it on Caughtoffside and metro, its all ballacks.
On topic, i’ve heard he’ll invoke that perpetual 1 year contract thingy, unless Arsenal can convince Will and kate to name their new born son after him.
Prince Nicholas Bendtner of Cambridge, ‘The greatest prince that ever lived’…
Agreed. We should cancel his contract or give him some sort of lump sum payment.
Giroud and Bendtner are similar in terms of their physique and play. From the preseason games in Asia all of Giroud’s goals show that he has become more clinical and direct which were two assists Bendtner actually had (except that sh*t miss vs Barca). Plus Giroud is handsome and to quote Arseblog “abs of steel” lol.
SO basically not much point having him in the squad, unless we have run out of wallmen..
assets*
and Arseblog must of got the Bong out when writing this article! good stuff!
Hey, thanks for reading the article, dude!
I can’t believe I get paid to do this.
It’s quite telling we’re not even prepared to whore Park out in that way. It was suggested that was the sole reason we signed him. Now I’m convinced some rich guy from Monaco actually paid us to sign him.
Just fuck off you cunt
I loved a cleverly constructed parody.
Brilliantly funny, as always!!
Ps : loving the Archer reference
SIGN DA TING
I’m starting to worry that Bendtner staying/not leaving might be having an impact on their decision to buy a striker. Nah…surely not!
If hig does go to napoli the emrites cup should be fun .
Fun Indeed.
one way or another, the emirates cup will feature a team that hoped to sign Higuain but instead ended up with TGSTEL
let’s just hope it’s Napoli
Hi, Sam. You’ve been very quiet recently. Is it because you’ve finally realised that Arsene Wenger really is completely bonkers, and his hopeless management of our club now simply can’t be defended? This summer is surely the nadir of the Nutty Professor’s reign: while quite rightly the club have been slowly getting rid of the Frenchman’s dross, nobody of any quality has been signed – even though we are at least four players short of a league-winning team. We are a complete shambles right now, without enough quality or quantity to maintain a challenge on any of the four fronts.… Read more »
You’re fucked.
Its 27 degrees outside, with your rage problems and excessive mamarries you must be sweating like a Geordie in a maths test.
With your ability to see into the future, what lottery numbers do you recommend? There is still time, relax.
You’ve included many words that apply to yourself:
completely bonkers; hopeless; complete shambles; fool; complete arse; big loser and I’m ……fucked.
i just look at where Fatgooner has commented and thumb him down. Don’t even read what he says. Not like he says anything good anyways.
We can sign Fats as a goalie. He’s so fat he could block the entire goalmouth and the worst we can ever get is a scoreless draw.
nah, just been hard at work, FG
looking forward to next season, think we’re in with a puncher’s chance given managerial changes elsewhere and if we strengthen the squad as well, that should put us in an even stronger position.
the fact that the only players out this summer are those we want to lose means we’ll start 13/14 in a far stronger position than in the previous 3 or 4 seasons.
besides which, all the papers are full of shit and we’re smashing the aussies, so what’s to worry about?
Why doesnt Arseblog ban this fucking fatso? Fucking Chinese Fatso
wats dis TGSTEl of a tin .pls let me knw d meaning.
What the hell does that say?
“The Greatest Striker That Ever Lived”
Of course!!! I wondered why every player we have been linked with seems to be on Napoli’s radar too. Or is it a coincidence that Napoli have been linked to Higuain, Suarez AND Cesar??
Bring back squidddd I miss him
This transfer window is unbareable. Imagine what we could achieve by spending the same as the rest. If Cesc goes to United I will be absolutely sick
We’ve got rights of first refusal, so it doesn’t really matter how much they bid for him. I highly doubt we’d let him go to United, it doesn’t matter how much our payout would be (think for it to make sense Barca have to get him out at for at least 70 million, which, as much as I love our Cesc, I’m not sure anyone would pay that).
Is it possible that the reason for why we haven’t signed anyone is that we have spent all of our transfer budget on paying off deadwood to leave?
I reckon/hope we are thrifty as organising multiple press conferences to announce signings cost money…best to combine all in one…I hope.
lol bendtner expects the club to pay mlillions in astronaut training? he’s more stupid than I thoughted
Loan him to a champs team and either he goes or mutually agree his leaving. On another matter anyone heard a rumour of Theo and 21 million for Suarez…. Rodgers sed to be keen on Walcott
More like Walcott is keen on Liverpool. They can have him, as much as I like the kid i don’t think he’ll ever flourish here.
They have Raheem Sterling who’s probably better than Theo already.
This was sarcasm, right? I might loose my shit if it isn’t 😀
Is that a ‘Jim’ll Paint it’ commissioned work? Possibly the best picture to ever accompany a sports story.
I really have no idea which, if any parts of this article are true and which are made up.
Bendtner’s may just be the new striker we all crave for….I know am a total jerk
Arsenal are really pissing me off this summer. And i thought last summer was frustrating, or the summer before. Just do something right for a change. Have a clean sweep of the deadwood, and splash the fucking cash instead of fucking around like usual.
Assisted Exit? Isn’t that a bit drastic, even for poor, suffering Nicky Bendtner?
HaHaHa, not very funny, please let me concentrate on signing for Barcelona
Bayern are now on the phone, i’ll leave them on hold while I try to get Dick Law to agree a dowry for the club “buying” me
Bayern are now on the phone
Look, will you stop ringing other clubs and asking them to buy you? You are in breach of the telesales cold calling restrictions.
even marca is running a story today saying hig still wants to join arsenal. point is of player doesn’t want to agree with terms then the deal is a no go and I doubt that real want to take him on the roster being unhappy this season. so it appears to be a game of who’ll blink first at coming off their price which means more of a wait I’m afraid. 🙁
You do realize if Bendtner stays….”its like a new signing” personally I think he’s a tidy striker, look at his goals to minutes played. Such a shame he appears to he a fucking arsehole.
Has anyone seen what he has been saying to the Sunderland press? Despite us making agreements with 5 separate clubs, he is suggesting that it’s Arsenal that are stopping him going anywhere!!
His arrogance knows no bounds!
http://www.shieldsgazette.com/sport/football/ex-sunderland-star-hit-by-arsenal-blow-1-5877171
Ex-Sunderland what??!!???
Gag of the week from the Shields Gazette there.
Does Bendtner still deserve the right to be called a ‘Professional’ Footballer?
TGSTEL is truely TGSTEL, lmao
Nah surely he must be holding up for Barca.
We should just dump him off with a crate of stella at car craft
Funny article but all NB is asking for is the 75k/week wenger agreed to pay him.
Misplaced blame.
TGSTEL should be changed to CUNT.
Bendtner-san! Brilliant pic blogs
Oops, Gazidisan actually
Do danish people not take hints? or is it just this dipshit?
Wenger should fuck off from the club if he still thinks our squad is good enough. Whats all this saying that we have a strong enough squad to challenge without buying anybody else? Has he lost his marbles?????
From “we have enough resources to compete this season in the market” to “we are not close to signing anyone and would not be worried if nobody came ‘cos our squad is strong enough”????????? What the fuckkkkkk????????
Why do i have this feeling that we wont sign anyone this summer? We will start with this line up against villa:
Fabianski Gibbs Ignasi Mert Sagna Arteta Ramsey Wilshere/rosicky Poldi Giroud Walcott…….
Give up hoping u lot…. Thats our team right there…. If anyone gets injured we’re fucked! As usual we will run out of steam by february and out of everything by then. May scrape to fourth tho’…..thats enough for fucking stan and gaz i think. Fuck u wenger!
Fuck u…. Fuck u……and fuck u to hell arsene!
You must be 15 years old, correct?
Let me know how good my son is. E-mail above.
X
That’s not actually a bad idea, blasting him into space. He might find his stratospheric ego floating around there somewhere.
Classic Misdirection
Bendtner will be our top quality striker this season.
He has great speed, brilliant shooting skills and has a great work ethic. He has a great attitude and is now ready to take the footballing world by storm. A future Arsenal captain no less.
If the inactivity continues, we may have to ask Nik nicely if he will stick around.
SOS
Arsenal should just admit their mistake and offer Bendtner the new and improved contract he deserves.