Saturday, August 13, 2022

Wenger saves the English game with promise to perform perfunctory gesture

Arsene Wenger has gone some way to salvaging what has been a dismal year for the human race by assuring the football press he will shake hands with Jose Mourinho ahead of Saturday’s Premier League clash with Manchester United.

With the world still trying to come to terms with a clutch of celebrity deaths, unexpected political shifts and destructive weather events, the last thing we needed was for one man not to shake hands with another, a move which would probably have sparked World War III.

The two managers famously don’t get along, but when asked today if he would perform a greeting everybody knows is completely insincere, the Frenchman said he would put aside his differences with Mourinho for the greater good.

“Will you shake hands?” asked one journalist, fearful that the integrity of English football might be damaged beyond all repair.

“Of course,” said Wenger, “I respect the ritual that is so important in the Premier League.”

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Asked to talk about their relationship, akin to Maggie Simpson’s intense, perfectly requited, hatred of the baby with one eyebrow, he continued, “Look, I don’t think I have describe our relationship. He will fight for his team, I will fight for my team, I think that’s completely normal.

“I can understand that people want to create controversy, but what will create the audience is the quality of the game.”

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Oluwastephen

Arsene Wenger…..

Saving the earth since creation

A Different George

That’s probably where Flamini got his ambition.

locksley444

Eagerly waiting to see how Mourinho does against the big teams with a relatively new defense.

Pradyumna

You should become a satire writer blogs !!

OneBeatOff

You mean he isn’t?

Duderinho

I thought that was the whole point. Arsenal news in a satirical/funny way. Not story creating, blown up bollocking, lying trashy, The Sun aspiring “news”.

That´s why I´m here anyway..

A Different George

You mean like “Wenger admits he will shake Mourinho’s hand only because it is a required ritual.”

Lord Bendtner

When it comes down to class, you can’t beat Le Professeur

D

WHAT! Surely you my Lord have more class in your little finger than 50 Wengers.

Pedant

52.

Le Jim

Legend has it that as Wenger pondered his answer to the question, the forefingers of Obama, Putin, Kim Jong Un, May, and bizarrely, the President of the Maldives, hovered just inches above their respective nuclear launch buttons.

One can only imagine the sighs of relief that echoed as Arsene vowed to preserve this noble and sacred custom.

kaius

Asking Wenger about a handshake is like asking the Pope if he brushes his own teeth. What a waste of access.

The Ice Man Cometh...

Sky to JM: “Wenger said he’s ready to fight you, what is your response?”

Goonereris

The Ice Man Cometh,
“Sky to JM: “Wenger said he’s ready to fight you, what is your response”.
Lol. Trust Mourinho to take the bait and respond in his, usually, unintelligent fashion mixed with a Wenger slur.

Trez

Superb answer from Wenger. We’ll do the talking on the pitch. Don’t fall for his mind games. You’ve markedly improved in your last 3 meetings against him. Don’t choke on saturday….or its bye bye to the title.

Sambo

If I was a player is wanna beat mourinho for the sole reason of giving my manager aka general the pleasure and satisfaction of getting one up over that negative football playing, employee bullying, eye assaulting (please add to the list ladies and gents) scumbag of football

SB

Wenger vs Fergi (although I hate Fergi and ManU) was intence but enjoyable.

Mourinho is so crass, that I’m not sure if even he enjoys being himself.

Stewart Robson's therapist

I’ve loved seeing Mourinho be himself over the last eighteen months or so. From that Community Shield to now, it’s been comedic gold.

Stewart Robson's therapist

To my eternal shame, two of my closest mates are Chelsea mates. However, it is beautiful to hear them both curse Mourinho to high heaven for wrecking their club and selling Mata, De Bruyne, Lukaku, etc.

It warms my heart to know that when he finally, inevitably, gets thrown out of Man United, he will leave English football loathed by every fanbase in the country.

Stewart Robson's therapist

*Chelsea fans

Gervinho

I’m sure Mourinho saw Alexis’s second goal for Chile and thought, “We will play expansively on Saturday. Try to control possession and press high up the pitch. It will be beautiful football.”

Either that or he sent someone to check the status of the emergency brake on his bus.

Dawn

I hope AWesome will be wearing disposable gloves <3 AW <3

walenaija

but my fear is that mourinho has two loyalist in arsenal- cech and ozil. they both still have a soft spot for him

the old chap

with the history of two club recently in OT , i can’t see we can trashed maureeno team , i see 1 0 score .
But im hoping 0 6 for the arsenal
Come on you alexis bang those all 6 goals

Ponsonby gooner

Mourinho. Can you think of a bigger c*** in the history of world football??

JakeyBoy

This is quite Daily Mash, and I absolute mean that in a good way.

JakeyBoy

Absolutely *

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