Friday, June 21, 2024

Transfer tittle-tattle: Isak, Bruno G, Zirkzee, Partey, Jesus

It’ll be great once this boring title race is out of the way because then we can turn our full attention to the things that matter, like…BUYING ALL THE PLAYERS!

Yep…silly season is nearly upon us and, for once, we thought we’d get ahead of the game. We’ve trawled the worst of NewsNow and thumbed the sports pages to bring you a few rumours currently doing the rounds.

We’ve also dug around the back of the shed and found the poo-o-meter is still functioning. Strap in…it’s going to get messy.


Alexander Isak

Source: Miguel Delaney / Independent

The chat: Newcastle’s in-form striker is a wanted man but according to The Independent we want him more than anyone else. The Geordies are under pressure to make a big sale this summer to adhere to PSR rules and it looks like we’re try our luck. You have to think the Saudi owners will do whatever they can to rebuff us if we make an approach.

Poo-o-meter: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩


Bruno Guimaraes

Source: Various

The chat: We were very interested in Newcastle’s Brazilian before he made the move to St James’ Park and for the same reasons as above – PSR regulations – he’s a name that could be moved on this summer if a suitable bid is made. Much like Isak, you suspect we’d have to table an offer in the region of £100 million which we’d fund by selling Reiss Nelson, Eddie Nketiah and Emile Smith Rowe.

Poo-o-meter: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩


Joshua Zirkzee

Source: Calcio Mercato (via Sport Witness)

The chat: Arsenal want to add to their attacking armoury and the 22-year-old Dutch striker, who has lit up Serie A with *checks notes* 11 goals and 5 assists for Bologna, is seen as a cheaper alternative to the likes of Isak and Victor Gyokeres. Even though there is competition from most of the big Italian clubs, it’s believed we’d have the financial muscle to ward them off if we throw €60 million at the situation.

Poo-o-meter: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩


Ferdi Kadioglu

Source: Karar (via Sport Witness)

The chat: Some left-back we’ve never heard of has agreed terms with Arsenal, says…his dad. Born in Holland, the 24-year-old is a regular for Fenerbahce and is reportedly valued in the region of €25 million. Bring us the Salt Meat Wanker, we need more than a pinch of his minerals to believe this one.

Poo-o-meter: 💩♾️



Thomas Partey

Source: Adrian Sanchez | Más Que Pelotas 

The chat: The Ghana international has one year remaining on his contract and after another injury-hit season at Arsenal we’re not inclined to offer him an extension. Edu was open to offers for the midfielder last season but nothing suitable was received. This summer represents our last serious chance to recoup some of the €50 million we paid in 2020 so news of Barcelona’s interest is promising. “One of the names that [the Barcelona] sports management likes MOST is THOMAS PARTEY,” claims journalist Adrian Sanchez.

Poo-o-meter: 💩💩💩💩💩💩


Gabriel Jesus

Source: The Athletic

The chat: He’s got a dodgy knee, he’s struggling for confidence, he’s lost his place. Three reasons that combined make for a bleak outlook. Jesus was transformative when he arrived at the Emirates but it’s claimed we could be tempted to cash in should a suitable offer be received. In Brazil, they reckon Palmeiras are interested, which seems far-fetched given the striker’s wages. For his part, the player is focused on being fully fit for pre-season.

Poo-o-meter: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩

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Not sure of the poo-ometer accuracy anymore 😅

It Is What It Is

It’s all pebble dash at this point

Johnny 4 Hats

Dare I say it, but it all feels a bit ‘inside the box’ thinking. And that’s probably because journalists are just putting 2 and 2 together to write articles and get those clicks.

I hope, with as great an eye as Edu and Arteta possess, that we don’t just pay huge sums for the in vogue player.

I just don’t think either Isak or Bruno is worth £100m and this Zirkzee thing stinks to me of Jean Michael Seri and he will probably end up at Fulham or West Ham.

Johnny 4 Hats

I was interested to see that Aouar, who many of us massively championed and wanted us to break the bank for, has absolutely flopped at Roma.

Just goes to show that a kick ass YouTube comp isn’t always a great judge of a player.

John C

It also shows why our transfer policy has shifted towards buying from other premier clubs


Agree John c, why it’s taken us so long to wake up from having a punt on ‘potential’ from foreign leagues is a mystery to me, Rice, Havertz, Jorginho, Jesus, Zichenko, Raya, Trossard have all proven to have made a massive positive impact to our side, would like to see either Guimaraes from Geordies or Paqueta from Bubbles utd added to squad next season, I get the old reference of needing a 30 goal striker to win anything but Miki has been one step ahead of the game by having a high working team collecting the many goals between the… Read more »

John C

My guess is there been a realisation within the club that whoever we buy and the wages we pay mean there’s no natural market for our surplus players so we have to get it right and that makes the premium required worth it.

Who wants to take a gamble on another Pepe, Anthony, Mudryk?


Why not, Mudryk hat great YouTube comps too… oh wait.


there’s still a player in mudryk somewhere


A player who we’ll never see as long as he plays for Basket Case FC.

John C

I don’t understand why we’re being linked with a centre forward and dm when they’re not what we need. We need a left 8 and a forward that can play across the forward line.

Surely one of our priorities must be to get Rice back to 6 and purchase a left sided player that can unlock the attacking potential of that side of the pitch.

None of the players linked fixes either of those issues


You’ve not been so popular today have you 😉 (I’m the one upvoting) I think from Arteta’s comments today it’s pretty clear he sees Rice as playing the 8 quite a bit going into the future too, having talked about how he expects him to contribute even more goals and so on. I think what we really need is someone who like Rice can play both of those positions and can interchange with him, but provides different qualities, a more technical ball-moving creative midfielder to also help ease the load off Odegaard, but who still has some defensive qualities. Or… Read more »

John C

Haha i don’t care about being popular but thank you! The impression i get is that Rice is playing in the 8 position because Jorginho and Partey at 6 are more trusted than Vieira or Smith-Rowe at 8, so i don’t get the impression that’s the long term plan. Rice is our best DM and at the moment he’s probably our best left 8 but he’s not the best we can do in that position especially from a creative point of view. So that’s the obvious position to upgrade. I also don’t think you can have 2 strikers, I think… Read more »


Man I loved Seri. He was no Clement Chantome, but was desperate for us to get him way back.

Johnny 4 Hats

He had the most creative agent that the footballing world has ever witnessed.

It was as though Madrid, Barca, Munich and City were all fighting to the death for his signature.

He signed for Fulham. And now plays for Hull.


Isak should be the target. He’s the only viable and potentially available option that would improve the squad of the options discussed. He’s a brilliant player. Get all those spare Ivory back scratchers Stan and push them out on the table. Zirksee is just so meh, reminds me of Chamahk. We need to level up, not just bring in a squad player level forward.

Absolute Camel

I agree with you but, he’d be flipping expensive


Lucky Stan has lots of ivory back scratchers…


Not to mention his injury record. Think we should move on. We were heavily linked with him and Bruno Guimaraes before they joined the barcodes. We missed our chances when they were cheaper, look for other options now.


I agree with you about Isak. He’s the closest thing I’ve seen to Henry. I could see him knocking in 25+ goals for us next season in his sleep.

The only problem is his fitness: he misses a lot of games per season.

John C

Havertz’s form since moving to centre forward has been 20+ goals a season pace, I personally think he deserves a chance there next season.

The glaring issue for this side now is unlocking the left hand side of the pitch. For me that’s done by getting the right player in at left 8

The Arsenal

I think his fitness problem could be allayed in a better team where he would be an option not a starter. What i mean by that is that he covers alot of positions and those are the type of forwards we need, To add to our fire power rather than have one focal point. 6 players who will hit double figures is better than one striker who might get 25+


In modern football you rest and rotate. We can accommodate both Havertz and Isak with no problem. Five PL subs and lots of CL games means that you need two quality strikers.

I can see Isak starting against the weaker PL teams and coming off the bench in the bigger games.


Agree, he would be so explosive for us. And he has that “something out of nothing” to him. If he’s out of reach I’m very curious about Sesko. Imagine Big Ben and Kai up top. Scary to think about.


Steaming fresh….


I love that a story by James was given so many poos.


yeah, wonder if andrew realised james had written the athletic article before poo-ing on it!


I think we have a serious weakness, we talk about quite little…

What if… Odegaard will have a serious injury next season or later?
I think: as things stand today – our general way of playing would suffer a giant blow.

John C

Personally the one Brazilian ex-Lyon midfielder is like to see us sign is Paqueta. Ticks all the boxes for that left 8, Ødegaard safety net we need


As a “safety net” maybe.
But to me – Xavi Simons would be the favourite bet.
(Furthermore: He is right footed – so maybe he would also be able to play together with the skipper).

John C

Not for me, too light weight for the premier league we really need someone with physicality and premier league experience.


“too lightweight for the premier league” odegaard is the most lightweight player I’ve seen in a long time and he’s ripping it up. and Xavi is way more of a dribbler / fighter than odegaard. this is the one position where lightweight is fine

John C

Odegaard being not the biggest is the precise reason why I can’t see us going for another smaller player.

We bought 6’4” cross country runner Kai Havertz to play in the left 8 because of his size and physicality, I can’t imagine the clubs transfer policy is going to drastically change on that front.

I also can’t see us spend €60-70m on a player with zero premier league experience


I feel like the consensus is to sell Partey, but I just can’t see anyone plunking down an adequate transfer fee to assume his injury risk at his salary. I wonder if there would be a way to extend him for less salary, but another year or two. It would give him some security and time to prove his fitness. It would make it easier for more clubs to be involved in the bidding if he rebuilds his value. I feel like this could be a win win for both Parteys. *ducks*

The Arsenal

Partey and Jorginho have both proven why they should be kept for another season at least.

Emi Rates

Partiet is made of glass. We need to find a replacement for him before next season.


That sounds great, but who? I don’t see another Declan Rice type that seems an obvious target. Not sold on Bruno G, Paqueta or any other pure 6’s we’ve been linked with. Other than that, we’re looking at a young project at a lynchpin position when we’re going to be pushing for the title again next year. I just don’t see Arteta trusting a young, unproven quantity from another league.


The rumours just get more and more improbable, but I guess all that noise deflects attention away from who we’re really after…


From all our experience of arteta buys is that we have no idea what’s happening.


Wonder if there might be any mileage in those reports linking Hatem Trabelsi and Sebastian Frey with roles on Mikel Arteta’s coaching staff?

Master Floda

And that triangle shaped head guy who used to play for Chelsea

Bill Hall

Isak definitely but I do not want that cheating, weaselly cunt Guimaraes anywhere this club. Have people already forgotten the away game at Newcastle!


Meh, we seem to enjoy when Ben White does it… Bruno would be loved in a red shirt.

A Different George

No. Standing in front of a keeper is legal. Touching his gloves is annoying and irrelevant. Being a jerk and winding people up like Richarlison is even more annoying, and makes you a pantomime villain, but isn’t actually evil. Intentionally elbowing opponents in the head, like two-footed studs-up tackles, is an entirely different thing.

Bill Hall

No he would not in a million years

The Arsenal

Isak please.


Does more poos on the meter mean the story is more likely, or less likely? I can never tell.



Santi’s Phonebox

Exactly this.

North London Forever

That is my understanding too.

Norwegian Wood

I can’t imagine that Arteta’s looking at Guimares, the animal who ran into the back of Jorginho’s head with no intention whatsoever than to hurt him, and thinking, “I need this player for this wonderful and classy football club.

I’m hoping it’s just paper talk because signings like this, however how prudent they might be on the footballing side, would never sit right with me. Reason I’m not there making decisions like this. I actually care about honor, class and being a proper human being.


Also the same animal talked about his barcode project was better than ours.
Let him rot

at Rice and Beans.

Poo-o-meter is back!

Emi Rates

Bruno Guimaraes is a fucking cunt. No thanks!


In short – all the press is nonsense. Seems fair enough.


The academy is brimming with talent. Considering the first team is fairly stocked, is there a reason we can’t break in some of the kids? We haven’t been doing much of that lately.

djourou's nutmeg

rice has been huge for us, but we’ve been very lucky. looking at other clubs, those crazy money signings, most often than not, fail to deliver. i’d rather we kept doing the type of deals we did with tomiyasu, odegaard, trossard, zinchenko. very good players, a little bit under the radar, for around 35M that can become elite with us, even if not right away. i find it more sustainable, enjoyable and honestly with better chances of success that the names and figures that are being mentioned.

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