Column: Kai Havertz is Schrodinger’s striker

Graham Dougan was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two

He was also a Scottish U25 international. He is a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute.

He writes exclusively for the site and we’re sure you will enjoy his keen and unique insight into the game.

In this column, he takes gives us his two cents on Kai Havertz as the main striker this season.

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When Arsenal signed Kai Havertz from Chelsea last summer, I don’t think I was alone in raising a quizzical eyelid at the deal, especially as it seemed he was brought in to replace Granit Xhaka in midfield.

In those early months, my eyelid was raised even further than a Desperate Housewife of Beverly Hills 90210 as the Germanian international found it hard to settle in and meet expectations. The price-tag felt like a burden to him, and he seemed lost on the pitch at times – like a small child in a supermarket who has been bewitched by the giant bags of crisps and who has lost sight of their parent/childminder.

Chelsea fans I would meet in the streets of Valletta would stop being racist on Twitter for a moment to scoff at Arsenal for making the deal. I won’t lie, there were times when it came close to fisticuffs, but I’m a more mature Graham Dougan these days so when their backs were turned I would just give them double-Vs and go about the rest of my day.

I was worried though. Anxious. I watched Havertz and those long legs of his, like a deformed fawn whose mother has been shot and whose only friend now is an annoying rabbit, struggled to make an impact. Even with players of the quality of Marvin Odegaard, Bukayo Saka, and Deacon Rice around him, it just didn’t click.

What was obvious all along though was that the player had the support of his manager and teammates. I can remember in my playing days we signed a young Dutch winger from the Netherlands, Steve Vanzant, and he had some problems settling in. What made life more difficult for him was that everyone hated him and refused to help him in any way, shape or form, and in the end he quit football to become a lighthouse keeper. Thankfully for Havertz, he is not stuck in a sea-tower with a giant bulb helping to keep ships from scuttling themselves on the rocks.

I would love to know if it was by accident or design that Mikel Artetata decided to play him as a striker, because that was the beginning of the end for Havertz. By which I mean the beginning of a new beginning, the moment where he didn’t just turn things around, he turned them back around the other way, then around again, like a dog doing three turns before going to sleep. Now you might think that’s not a compliment, but it most certainly is because when a dog does that they conk out immediately. Have you ever seen a dog with insomnia? Exactly!

The stats speak for themselves, but I don’t pay any attention to that kind of nonsense. I’m a football man, not a mathematician or an auditor or someone who works with stats (it’s amazing there’s no word for that in the English language). I can see with my own eyes that Kai Havertz is both a striker and not a striker because sometimes he plays in midfield, but when he is a striker he’s like Schrodinger’s cat because he is both in the box and not in the box at the same time.

It’s next level genius from the Arsenal manager. Where do we even go from here? Well, I can see Havertz falling over a lot this season, but I can also see him scoring plenty of goal as the Gunners go hell for heather at the Premier League title again. This time I hope they can beat off Pep Guardiola once and for all. What a climax that would be!

In the meantime, when the Arsenal faithful sing their song about Kai Havertz, they won’t be worried too much about what goes down the drains, because the number 29 has unblocked them like he’s taken a double dose of laxatives, and he’s ready to let loose on the Premier League this season.

Until next time, your pal. GD.

ps – Thanks for all the concerned emails about my whereabouts. I was so busy imparting my incredible breakdancing skills to Australian Olympians I barely had time to think. My corkstep scorpion windmill is quite the move!