Wednesday, June 19, 2024

Schalke v Arsenal: single word reviews and player ratings (facial hair special)

We should have won, we could have lost, we ended up drawing…it was a typically hair-raising Arsenal performance in Germany. Seeing as it’s Movember we separate the handsome devils from the park perverts with a facial hair special.

Mannone: 8/10 – ZZ Top

Vermaelen: 5/10 – Bum fluff

Sagna: 6/10 – Soul patch

Koscielny: 7/10 – Grizzly Adams

Mertesacker: 6/10 – The Flanders

Arteta: 7/10 – The Errol Flynn

Cazorla: 6/10 – Pencil moustache

Wilshere: 7/10 – Clean shaved

Walcott: 7/10 – The Mexican

Podolski: 7/10 – Five o’clock shadow

Giroud: 7/10 – The Magnum P.I.


Santos: (N/A) – Ron Jeremy

Coquelin: (N/A) – The Craig David

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.

Related articles


Notify of

newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

I don’t agree with only a 6 on Mertesacker. If you watch him closely in a game you see his is at the right place EVERY time. I think he is our best CB since the invincible days.

Los Polandos

This and sat on his bum (Vermaelen-style) in a second half, letting Affelay (or was it Holtby) through.


correct. Mertesacker was wrong positioned for the 1-2, however other than that he had a pretty solid and strong game. Therefor I would rate a 7, as well. Vermaelen’s failed kung-fu defence before he trashed it home (haha) to make it 2-2 deserves an overall rating of 4.

pauly bear

Bit harsh he stepped up beside huntlarr .it was kos that played him on side.


How can you say he was wrong placed for Huntelaar goal???? Check replays again, its Koscielny that plays him onside, if Koscielny stays in the line like he should and not take a few steps back Mertesacker plays him beutifull offside!!!! One of Koscielnys biggest problems, he falls behind the line and have caused so many goals playing attackers onside, when the sidebacks + Mertesacker sets a perfect line.


Looked at that clip a couple of times kos doing the headless chicken played him on side

Arteta's Hairgel

Mertesaker is holding the line to play offside, which was clearly a key part of the defensive plan. Koscielney is the one at fault since he plays Hunetelaar on to begin with.


If i would have pointed that out I would have been rebuked 100 times over. Allen you lucky son of a gun!

gunner in Manchester

Perhaps because of that, Vermaelen and Koscielny are out of form.


Shit article from a shit paper. Read Swiss Ramble if you want proper insight into the club’s finances.


I thought he was out of position for the second goal too. he should have gone across to close down the crosser after Sagna was out of position. He ended up being caught near post with no Shalke player within 20 yards of him


None of them are single words blogs. Have you been drinking again?


Check the byline 😉


Blogs and Allen, I’m not going to criticize much but I think you should dished out the “single word” think. Just put “words” in it. Because this review segment rely on creativity as it main parts, I don’t think you should put constrain like “single word” thing for your review. With it, I think it will put off the awkward feeling when seeing a supposedly “single word” review turn into “words” review.
But this is only my opinion though and I don’t mean to offend. I’m sorry if it is like that.

Dr Baptiste

But most of the time it is a single word review rather than anything else. Imagine, writers on a blog having a bit of fun… Won’t somebody please think of the children


Think some have missed the point of a blog. Better if you read the words rather than count them – far more entertaining.


Nice. But why has Theo had a Dirty Sanchez in the picture? Harsh…


Wenger: 6/10 – Pitchside Bush

Runcorn Gooner

Wenger gets 3 match ban for saying a ref is rubbish.What will Mancini get for
pitch invasion and confrontation?
Probably a small fine

Runcorn Gooner

Just heard that Mancini no charges to be made.They only hate AW

Borneo Gooner

Mancini invaded the pitch? 3 match ban for Asene.

Ryo SmarterFish

Mertesacker is definitely our best centre back at the moment and second-best defender behinds Sagna. We just need the other two to play solidly and we’d have an iron defence.

I think our team is missing a good ribbler. I mean Carzola is amazing at keeping the ball under pressure but it feels like we need someone who can bamboozle defenders. Often times we pass it around and around and we get a one-on-one but we’re unable to go past that last defender.


Give the boy Jack Wilshere some time.. He’ll tick your boxes.. I’d give him a couple of games more at least


“Often times we pass it around and around and we get a one-on-one but we’re unable to ….”

And oftentimes we play sideways and not direct at goal while we allow our opponent to get defensive shape and organisation.

Put Theo in front


We have an amazing dribbler in Arshavin, he just can’t get a game coz Ramsey is such a good wing player lol

[…] Report – Player Ratings – […]


klass jan huntelaar: 9/10 – klassick
i think we need to sign him up, for 5mil you cant go wrong.


What mugs would sell him for £5m?


he has 6 months left on his contract come january


contract expires this summer, I think.


too slow, also those mugs would be shalke

Arsene Wenger

I’ll give you £2 million…. Whats that….. Tottenham have come in with a bid of £3 million….No I will not budge!! £3.1 million is too much for a player of such quality!! We have Denilson coming back in the summer. Mental Strength.

Dr Baptiste

Wenger pays what he feels the player is worth, not what the media or selling team thinks. Yes it’s frustrating when we miss out and we all wish he would just spend a bit more but that policy also got us the invincibles for fairly cheap (especially considering this was the days before overly inflated transfer fees (I’m talking Neck Ronaldo, Hulk, Thiago, etc…. style money). I’m not sure it’s as simple as just offering an extra £?million, as I doubt we’d miss out on half the players if it was a case of offering £6million instead of £5million, but… Read more »

Unyoke The Ox

Wilshere (despite being “not that fast”) could be this “ribbler” that you yearn for. I like the way he’ll just go at a defender with his “special needsy” look on his face. When he gets his full fitness and finishing back, he’ll add a lot.


Don’t think Arteta, Wilshere or Cazorla have much to smile about this morning. All three were a little bit ‘meh’.


I feel they’re all a bit exhausted… we’ve been over-reliant on the three. (Especially Cazorla and Arteta, who have been playing 90-minute games all season, and of course Wilshere, who just came back from a major injury.)


Agree, the ratings were very generous, signs of rewarding mediocrity, i.e. “thank god we werent as crap as the Man U match”

Mert & Sagna & Manone were beasts yesterday.

Hated the way Walcott kept pasing the ball to Sagna and fooking of into a crowd causing Sagna to keep passing backwards.


For me, in the second half, there was not nearly enough movement.
We have plenty of quality, and plenty of players who can thread spectacular passes, but unless players are moving off the ball that aspect is wasted.

So “Tactics – 2/10 – dirty sanchez”

Q me

Santos – shirty

i dont know what foot i use

it says a lot about our performance against manu that “this” is seen as an improvement. anyways, they can only get better, right?

Rectum Spectrum

Arsenal: Bald patch


Sagna was excellent last night, his general play warrants more than a 6 in my opinion. Apart from his ‘containing’ of Afellay, which wasn’t the best. I see why you gave him a 6 now…


this is too mean for an Arsenal player but I love the expression so much I’ll give it another teams manager

Mancini -Jailhouse pussy


When you first started these single word reviews I though they where actually quite good. Nice succinct analysis. However these novelty single word reviews, especially this one, are rubbish

pauly bear

Why were we falling over so much ? I didn’t see them slipping all over the pitch carzola looked like he was on an ice rink.even managed to slip and hand ball WTF


I think it had somefing to do with groundskeeper willies retirement grease.


Thomas Vermaelen: 4/10


Sanga LB and Jenks RB worked before. Huntelaar worth 7Million of any ones money.Giroud is like Miro Klose type but is asked to play like RVP. AW blue printing can get it awfully wrong

the only sam is nelson

What a shame there was no “7 – the Bob Pires” to be awarded

*sobs, gently*


Great to see Mannone getting some credit. He had an excellent game last night (as he did at OT) and is getting better and better.


Both our captain and his partner in crime Kos are not doin the do at the moment mistakes slips own goals every game time to let djourou have a go with mert in the center can’t be worse
Sagna mert djou jenk/gibbs


Lol really just lol!


Don’t know what you guys are on about Kos was superb. It’s not easy marking Huntelaar, Affelay and Vermaelen (geez he was bad, I kind of missed Santos lol). Yeah he played Huntelaar on, but when possession is lost in midfield like Cazorla did, the defence doesn’t have time to get their lines in place. Apart from that, he was excellent.




Kos, was more direct going forward than the entire midfield combined(just saying) the passing sideways buries the entire purpose of speedy passing.


So nobody noticed Theo’s eagerness to come inside centrally, leaving us so narrow? Lack of width provided by Poldi meant all schalke had to do is, to press Arteta, Cazorla and Wilshere, which they did brilliantly.


I noticed that Theo and Giroud cannot start for us with that formation. I would love to see them 2 rotated as the CF’s. Really can’t see why Arshavin isn’t getting starts at the moment. He is the only player that can offer us that individual outlet that you need in some games. Especially when we play the teams that park the bus.

Per's Nimble Footwork

From a midfield surplus to great scarcity, just in a couple of weeks. And I say again, where is Gibbs? He provides the flexibility for our left wing play. Like someone said (pardon me for being too lazy to check, I’m doing the moonwalk) Theo now has a penchant for drifting infield, leaving Sagna with little option than to pass the ball back – hope he credits him with part of the 100k he’s asking for if he gets it. The facial hair signifies a sie too tired to hold da razor to their faces. AW, make them shave! Except… Read more »

i want to boff giroud and im not even gay

Walcott ten for me. Without him we would be finished. Hes one of the best players in the world

Eli Starrett

Hi there, guys! We are certain that you have many of ideas which you not dare to send a word somebody . Do you desire your wishes become real ? We aware of how to make them to life . We can offer you fascinating girls that had to be looked through on this page .

Share article

Featured on NewsNow

Support Arseblog

Latest posts

Latest Arsecast

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x