Monday, May 20, 2024

An alternative guide to Arsenal’s Champions League opponents

The Champions League group stage may be over, but the draw isn’t for another couple of weeks giving Arseblog News readers a bit of time to chew the cud over possible opponents before we inevitably draw Barcelona.

We’ve created a bite size guide to our potential last 16 opponents for no other reason aside from it’s a slow news day.

Barcelona

Awkward connection: Blimey, so many to mention. Fabregas and Song are obviously current Barca players to have worn the Arsenal red, while Henry, Hleb, Overmars, Van Bronckhurst and Petit have also swapped London for Catalonia. We’ve got (and had) a couple of their La Masia kids.

Dickhead opponent: Gerard Pique definitely deserves a mention, but it has to be Carles Puyol – the curly haired goblin.

Reasons it’s a good draw: Barcelona have played their part in two of the best games we’ve seen at the Emirates.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: We’ll probably go out again.

Bayern Munich

Awkward connection: Lukas Podolski spent three years at Bayern before returning to Cologne with his tail between his legs.

Dickhead opponent: Franck Ribery is a pesky cunt, but it has to be Arjen Robben and his stupidly shaped head and proclivity for diving.

Reasons it’s a good draw: Munich is a beer drinking heaven.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: We’ve not beaten Bayern in four previous Champions League encounters. The last time the two sides met they knocked us out in 2005.

Borussia Dortmund

Awkward connection: Last January we were heavily linked with a move for Mario Gotze but Arsene instead snapped up Thomas Eisfeld.

Dickhead opponent: Nobody comes to mind. Polish striker Lewandowski is the danger man though.

Reasons it’s a good draw: The Borussia Dortmund fans and the Westfalenstadion are both sights to behold.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: One of the best technical sides in Europe they’ve won the Bundseliga two years running and topped their Champions League ‘group of death’ ahead of Real Madrid, City and Ajax.

Juventus

Awkward connection: They stole Liam Brady, but we’ve since taken revenge by sending Armand Traore and Nicklas Bendtner on loan. We also picked up a chap called Thierry Henry from them in 1999.

Dickhead opponent: Bendtner won’t be eligible so possibly the referee, assuming they’ve bribed him.

Reasons it’s a good draw: Memories of Paul Vaessen in 1980 and goals by Thierry Henry and Cesc Fabregas in 2006 mean we’ve a decent knockout record against the Old Lady.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: Reigning Serie A champions, Juve recently went 49 games unbeaten in the league and have been formidable since moving to their new stadium (built on the site of that old shit hole Stadio della Alpi)

Paris Saint Germain

Awkward connection: If you believe the press Arsene Wenger is being lined up by PSG’s Qatari owners as a possible replacement for Carlo Ancelotti. They are also sponsored by Emirates.

Dickhead opponent: You can’t look past the enigmatic Zlatan Ibrahimovic – ponytail, tattoos, off-the-scale arrogance and all-round prick.

Reasons it’s a good draw: Bergkamp We can make it on the Eurostar.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: Paris hasn’t been kind to Arsenal in recent years. Nayim in the Parc des Princes, Belletti at the Stade du France…

Malaga

Connection: We pilfered Santi Cazorla from them last summer while they were experiencing financial problems. Julio ‘why won’t the English let me do overhead kicks’ Baptista is also on their books.

Dickhead opponent: For want of a better name…Javier Saviola. Not sure why.

Reasons it’s a good draw: It’s Malaga’s first ever Champions League campaign so they might well lack vital experience at this level. As an added bonus the travelling supporters might just get some winter sun.

Reasons it’s a bad draw: With seven South Americans in their squad and Manuel Pellegrini at the helm they’re like Villarreal circa 2006 which makes them dangerous.

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Arsezilla

Just wish we don’t up playin barca !! On the first round of the knockout stage !!!

Best in the World

wenger looks really really old

Le Prof

Nah, he is still up to replace Daniel craig as the new 007.

C

Unlikely deity of the skies: please make this happen.

One Arsenal

Wenger looks like he just woke up…

Ty

Putting all my money on us drawing Barca. No doubt in my mind.

THEMASTER

Barca here we come!

Mikkey3D

I hope we play Paris and kick their petro dollars out of the competition…

We can criticize Arsenal as much as we like but I wonder how supporters of teams with unlimited funds (PSG, Chelsea, Man City in particular) can have any pride when they win.

Best in the World

hope chamakh scores a hattrick and they buy him for 20 million

Riggy

After years of fearing a draw with Barca, I say bring them on. We will get past this stage.

undercovermancgooner

Dickhead opponent: Bendtner won’t be eligible so possibly the referee, assuming they’ve bribed him.
====
Fell off my chair.

BillyBatts

Barca dickhead for me is Dani Alves. Fantastic player; grubby, divey, elbowy little shitbag of a person.

Sue.My.Chin

Get that Barca field corrected, Busquets is the asian fertility statue of the football world. Complete and utter dickhead!

Tottenhams reckoning

And buscunts!

Charlie

I always thought he looked like the devil or Antichrist, but then again maybe he just has one of those really cuntish faces………..

Mikel Artekkers

Why has nobody put in a shout for Xavi “Barca DNA” Hernandez yet?

Red Cannon

It really is so difficult to pick the Barca dickhead. The race is too close to call.

Evil

Dickhead MUST be Biscuits.

Big Dave

Getting Barcelona might not be a bad thing you know. Without sounding like I’m on the Arsenal Board, it’s unlikely we’re going to win the competition. So a game against a team who we have such a rivalry with might actually kick us into action. Look what happened last time (at home). The fans will be so up for it – the boos will be put to one side, the anger of the departing players to Barcelona will be reignited, and of course, we may have Henry in the side to stick the knife in (I’m drooling at that image).… Read more »

FoolishGooner

All good reasons to get up for Barca game! Even though you give Arsenal no chance of advancing. Not a fair fight at all….. True for all the opponents though, because that is how far we have fallen. Close your eyes and take the beating

arsenalftw

Thats true, arsenal can´t win anything with the current squad. They can´t even play entertaining football anymore.

arsenalftw

PSG doesn´t play as an team yet.. So they got the same issues as arsenal, only that their problem are temporary and our problems are permanently it seems…

Harish

@ArsenalFTW: not true, i’m entertained everytime Gervinho gets the ball.

Albeit with a saddened tear in the eye. Still, gotta laugh at his little bit consistency.

Stay away from my DNA

I may have remembered it wrong but last time we were about to play Barcelona we also played shite and it turned out to be one of the most brilliant games I have ever watched. So maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to draw them afterall?

Gary

None of them are easy but I would be happy if we drew either Juve, PSG or Malaga. The others are too strong.

David O'Leary's Dad

Borussia would probably be the worst draw we could get as they are fucking flying at the moment. Never know with Barca, look at Celtic for example, and it would as usual be a hell of a game. For pure glee it would be great to knock out the petro-dollar dickheads from Paris.

No matter who we get, hopefully the team will have picked up a lot by then and we’ve also signed quality CF, DM, LB at least. Know I’m delusional but it’s nice to dream.

phat

thing is we are not a backward thinking team like celtic and chelsea, we wont try to defend the whole 90minutes. if we do though, its the case of being forced to like last time at camp nou.

Podolski's left leg

Juve pls

arsenalftw

PSG pls

Des

Top spot in the group please…..
Oh wait…….

Barca then.

Foolishgooner

Are realistic or what…. Chance for captain Fab and Alex “can’t touch me” Song to prove that they were right to dream big. Bring on Barca and pile up the agony! I’m in a hyperbaring mode already. Wake me up when address our aggressive lack thereof on and off the pitch issues are addressed. We used to scared of the transfer market now our squad is scared of tackling and proper aggression on the ball. Giving opponents clear lines and time to think in all areas of the pitch. Lord help us….

Henners

Whoever we get it’s going to be fucking tough. After our start in the PL I feel we have less pressure to progress in the CL and thus have nothing to lose, the bigger the team we play I think the more chance we can grab a great result and perhaps start to mould a great team (although hopefully that might happen over Christmas with all these PL games). We’ve got an extremely winnable COC quarter final coming up, come January I really think we could possibly have turned this season around.

Henners

By “the more chance we can grab a great result” I don’t mean it’ll be easier with a big team, just that the spoils of a victory would be multiplied the harder the draw.

Leite

Did podolski have injury while sleeping or theo on his way to a bar,so why the f are they injured,too much stress in training

Mental Strength

Not Malaga please. We’ll probably turn up with our now famous “Mental strength” and get knocked out again. Barca cunts, Dortmund, Juventus and Bayern atleast will give that feeling to the players that if we dont turn up they might rape us.

COYG

Looking at these teams I can’t help but think first place in the group mattered more than most of us admitted. Oh well bring on whoever.

Harish

Great article, blogs! Thanks!!

[…] 来源:[Arseblog News] […]

TeeCee

Juventus.
Awkward connection: Patrick Viera
Reason it’s a good draw: “Chopper” Pires’ challenge on said Patrick Viera……:-)

alex

We’ll get done by all of those sides except maybe Malaga on current form. Oh well.

Indigooner

The thing is that the press will write us off as underdogs if we drew anybody other than, umm.. Malaga. So technically, we don’t have anything to lose except for our pride.

The last time that happened.. we almost created a miracle against Milan. COYG!

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