The 15 facts you never knew about Arsenal Football Club

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arsefeed

1 – Its terrifying history

burial

Before the continents broke apart, North London was home to the original Native Americans. Emirates Stadium is now built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. One day, a club employee brought his daughter to the stadium and set her down to watch TV, only to be horrified when a portal opened up in a stationary closet and sucked her inside.

2 – How it was founded by a secret society

The Dial Square brigade, as they were known, founded the football club in 1886 not simply to play football, but to celebrate the 1886th victim of their Satanic cult. The leader, a sinister man named Dean Davids, was a suspect for the Jack the Ripper murders.

3 – It’s not the only Arsenal

Gunners fans may think their club is unique but there are other Arsenals. There’s Arsenal de Sarandí (Argentina), FC Arsenal Kyiv (Ukraine), Bonzer Arsenal (Australia), McArsenal Thistles (Scotland), L’Arsenal (French Guyana) and Bloody Arse Arsenal (London Hospital of Proctology).

4 – A pioneering kit

ariel

Pioneering manager Herbert Chapman not only designed the eye-catching Gunners home kit of red shirts with white sleeves but also teamed up with Italian company Indesit to invent a new type of mechanical washing machine which prevented the two colours running. The joint venture formed the bedrock of a commercial relationship which continues to this day.

5 – Arsenal’s travel ban

Former chairman Peter Hill-Wood banned Arsenal from ever touring the Philippines due to the country’s involvement in George Graham’s bung scandal of the early nineties. The Scot was dismissed for accepting Manila envelopes containing thousands of pounds from the agent of Norwegian star Pal Lydersen. Sir Chips has since Phillip-flopped on the decision.

6 – Wembley pants party

Pictures of Charlie George’s famous 1971 FA Cup final goal celebration were heavily censored by newspapers at the time because the player’s horizontal pose highlighted a thumping great erection inside his tight blue shorts. Under duress from manager Bertie Mee, the striker apologised for his behaviour by donating his win bonus to Pele’s erectile dysfunction charity.

charlie

7 – How they almost didn’t sign Thierry Henry

The Frenchman is the club’s all time leading scorer but despite having a hard time at Juventus, Arsene Wenger almost missed out on his signing. He’d been in discussions with other European clubs when the pair met by chance at a Huey Lewis and the News concert. Now that’s what we call the Power of Love!

Huey+Lewis++The+News+hln1

8 – The underhand tactics

When Arsenal were more green that red in the 1970s due to the proliferation of players from the Emerald Isle, the likes of David O’Leary and Liam Brady would carry that traditional Irish trick before games: releasing a box of furious otters into the opposition dressing room. It worked well enough to get then to three FA Cup finals in a row, although lack of available otters in 1978 and 1980 led to Wembley disappointment.

9 – Why Le French revolution nearly never happened

youngwengerWhen Bruce Rioch’s time at the club was coming to an end, Arsene Wenger was under contract at Nagoya Grampus 8 and the Japanese side were unhappy about him leaving. In order to facilitate the move, Arsenal officials promised to provide a kidney for one of Grampus’s directors but couldn’t find a match. In the end they had to dissect 15 orphans to find one that would work!

10 – The Bank of England connection

Arsenal were known as the Bank of England club because of their wealth but also their austere nature. The reality is that the club’s owner, Sir Henry Norris, ran a massive counterfeit operation from under the east stand at Highbury, churning out thousands of 5 shilling notes every day.

11 – Sock it to him

Cristiano Ronaldo came very close to signing for Arsenal but saw his move to Highbury break down over a disagreement with Thierry Henry about sock length. The Frenchman’s contract dictated that he alone should be allowed to sport socks like seductive over-the-knee stockings, a look which the Portuguese also coveted. Vic Akers delivered the deciding vote in a tense boardroom meeting, siding with the Gallic hitman. Ronaldo subsequently signed with United where he was allowed to wear a french knickers instead of shorts.

12 – Friar tucks in

bloody

Ken Friar drinks the blood of a sacrificed cockerel at the end of every league season as thanks for Tottenham’s league title trophy drought. Soon after the ritual, which he’s been undertaking since 1962 and also includes puncturing a basketball, the lifelong club servant heads to the Wetherspoons on Highbury corner where he drinks a tray of Aftershocks to rid himself of the taste.

13 – Terry’s big cock up

Manager Terry Neill, believing Clive Allen to be the son of hilarious comic Dave and therefore a fine addition to the Arsenal ranks, was so nauseated by the presence of the former QPR man that he immediately sold him to Crystal Palace, taking left back Kenny Sansom to Highbury in the process. Allen’s insistence on daily handshakes were, to Neill, the sign of a deeply insecure man, while club captain Pat Rice led a player revolt due to Allen’s intensely cloying musk.

14 – The Big Mac

malcolmmacdonald

Ex-Gunners striker Malcolm MacDonald successfully sued American fast-food outlet McDonald’s for a six-figure sum in 1979 when they introduced a ‘Super Mac’ to their menu. The sandwich, which included six patties, mild cheddar and a deep fried bun, was withdrawn from service after just one week when judges at the Old Bailey ruled the player’s nickname had indeed been the subject of copyright infringement.

15 – The move to North London

It’s a fact that still enrages fans of Tottenham Hotspurs, a small amateur outfit from Middlesex, but the Arsenal moved North of the river in order to get away from a group of young ladies who, much against the way of the world back then, had relentlessly stalked some of the players in an overtly sexual manner. Ace winger, Cliff Winstanley, was so aghast when flashed with provocative bloomers he had to be put in a mental institution and died a lunatic just three years later. The licentious ways south of the Thames were too much for the gentlemanly Gunners.

old-highbury

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dutchgooner
dutchgooner

seems legit

Scott P
Scott P

Don’t understand why this is filed under “spoofs”….

New guy
New guy

I’m pretty sure it’s all accurate except that the last club in paragraph 3 is just “Bloody Arsenal”

Arsene's handkerchief
Arsene's handkerchief

Bloody brilliant blogs.

Giroulski
Giroulski

What.

huh
huh

that was stupid.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

huh?

Cheyu
Cheyu

I hope this not real becos ken fryer eating chicken blod makes him a cannibal

Stevie
Stevie

Too many things to question in this post, not enough time.

Andy
Andy

Here Stevie, you may have my like

masterofthegoonaverse
masterofthegoonaverse

I know it is all bullshit because I never once saw Friar in the White Swan. Never!

heroldgoon
heroldgoon

Eh?

MoNk
MoNk

What happened to the child from the 1st point?Was she ever found?

moj
moj

Shouldn’t have been too difficult to find, given that the closet was stationary.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Every year, when we play Spurs at home, the crowd witnesses the captain walk out onto the pitch hand in hand with a little girl in strangely anachronistic clothing, yet the cameras at the game have never captured her image. It’s said her spirit remains earthbound until she finally achieves her life’s desire and sees Spurs relegated to the lower divisions.

masterofthegoonaverse
masterofthegoonaverse

Now I saw HER in the White Swan!

Bulgarian Gooner
Bulgarian Gooner

You missed Arsenal – Pink Valley (Bulgaria) in fact 3. Shame on you!

glory hunter
glory hunter

What a stupid reason to leave South London, Wenger Out!!!

shuggietodd
shuggietodd

Wagner out!

weedwacker
weedwacker

classic

Mildly Amusing Name
Mildly Amusing Name

What are they smoking over there at Arseblog Towers?

trimi
trimi

Charlie George photo is definitely, most certainly, under no circumstances, undoubtedly not photo-shopped.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

It is a true representation of what happened at the game. His goal and evident pleasure at scoring it is said to have brought all of Pele’s inadequacies home to him. It triggered his erectile problems, and shattered his confidence. Within three years he had abandoned competitive football and moved to the US to play in their league instead. This very photograph had the same effect on Maradonna. He saw that he too was inadequate and turned to drugs to try to forget that he couldn’t match up to Charlie George however you measured him. This iconic photograph is still having it’s dire effect on those silly players who aspire to greatness but come up short… hence Bale’s desperate flight to Spain, and Messi’s cowardly refusal to join Arsenal.

masterofthegoonaverse
masterofthegoonaverse

Seen him in the White Swan.

Yawe
Yawe

This is the truth! Yes I believe..

palace gunner
palace gunner

That was history lesson, alot of shocking sentences, the george graham one was sad, look at the team now

firstblood
firstblood

Great stuff..if i am correct this is a play on the guy on buzzfeed.com, one of the bloggers there has a boner for arsenal somehow but he posts such off-base stuff on an otherwise “colorful” website (and thats being polite.) The frequency at which arsenal posts are appearing sandwiched in between what lady gaga had for breakfast and 47 things that remind you of 1996 is probably alarming for el blogs. It pisses me off…

Tbird
Tbird
boomba
boomba

“Allen’s insistence on daily handshakes were, to Neill, the sign of a deeply insecure man” thank you arseblog, you never fail to make me belly laugh at least once in every piece you write.

Ööö
Ööö

Little bit not true?

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Arseblog’s Believe it…or not!

BringBackSeaman
BringBackSeaman

Love it

Though this news article led me to check up on what happened to Arsenal stadium during the blitz and to my horro I find that Arsenal (such as it was during the war) played at Shite Fart Lane…

😮

Source: http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/highbury-transformed-in-wartime

BringBackSeaman
BringBackSeaman

My Arsenal supporting mate here at work, once I told him this fact, reminded me that this would have been the high point of Sp*rs History. It’s been down hill ever since.

Legend

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Yes, it was the one time I know of that Tottenham Hotspur behaved nicely towards us (See, in this one case I am willing to write their proper name out instead of calling them something rude. It’s my little tribute to how we all pulled together to beat Hitler). It’s actually the case that Arsenal and Spurs fans hated Hitler more than they hated eachother for the duration of the war. After the war they all went back to normal very quickly.

masterofthegoonaverse
masterofthegoonaverse

Some things,(not many) are more important than football.

eddie
eddie

I actually new 9 of those facts.

Jordan
Jordan

I’d still take this alternate history over Tottenham’s real one any day.

Gunner in Ghana

And a certain Berekum Arsenal from Ghana is worth mentioning in point no 3. 16th thing you never knew.

Gus
Gus

Blogs I think you’ve confused some of the younger fans!

Comedian
Comedian

So paddy got up part 2 chapters leaked .

Gunner Rob
Gunner Rob

Blogs has been at the Domestos again, must remind Mrs Blogs to hide it better.

WizardOfOzil
WizardOfOzil

Just keep him away from the Toilet Duck.

PGunner
PGunner

They say you learn something new everyday, but 15 new things all steeped in fact! All I can say is thanks Arseblog you’ve taken my daily learning to a whole new level.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

PGunner to go on Mastermind next week and his specialist subject will be the history of Arsenal F.C. Good luck to him. He surely can’t fail armed with all these insights into the Club.

monopeed
monopeed

If Spurts had come up with that, they’d be making the DVD next week.

Oscar Alonso Osman
Oscar Alonso Osman

I knew it!

Boz
Boz

What Gunner Rob said. Although it might have been the krokodil.

Ben
Ben

Was slightly perturbed by the fact Charlie George’s weener was described as a ‘thumping great’ erection.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

The picture was taken just as he lay down. Later pictures had to be censored when his shorts could take no more and ripped open.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Charlie wasn’t the only Gunner who reacted in this way to scoring for Arsenal. In a now infamous incident Sammy Nelson scored an own goal while playing against Coventry City, and later made amends by scoring for Arsenal, whereupon he ran to the edge of the pitch, and experienced such pleasure at having scored that his weener literally pulled his shorts off of his posterior. He was accused by the FA of mooning at the Coventry fans and received a two week ban. A scandalous punishment when you consider that he hadn’t bitten even one of them. The Coventry fans actually loved it. Sammy still works for Arsenal, and his lasting popularity can be seen every week as dozens of Coventry fans make the pilgrimage to Ashburton Grove in hopes of catching another ‘glimpse’ of him.

Le_Dooner
Le_Dooner

Blogs, you should have added that MacDonald went on to create his own fast food chain in Ireland called “Supermacs”which remains one of the countries most cherished institutions to this day!

SB
SB

Blogs, you are lucky, that you’ve so much time to cook-up something on Arsenal.

It’s a much better effort than the transfer stories re-hashed by many ‘news’ agencies.

Nik
Nik

Arsenal Tula

goonerestgooner
goonerestgooner

Dont we all do number 12???

TheRuss1985
TheRuss1985

15. The person in that picture last month was Linford Christie.

killahh
killahh

That is the baddest article I’ve ever read on Arseblog couldn’t even finnish it. Worst than arsenal gentleman by far.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Still managed to drag yourself all the way down to the bottom of the page and poop on everybody’s party though, didn’t you?

killahh
killahh

What party? The article is bad The real party is in Dortmund

Geezer
Geezer

For someone unable to string a couple of sentences without making grammatical or punctuation mistakes, you do not have any right to talk about what others write. Cheers.

Gutbukkit Deffrolla
Gutbukkit Deffrolla

Picture of Charlie George….. So hard he bent the fence.

ManilaGunner
ManilaGunner

Here’s to the Gunners visiting the Philippines in the near future. I can’t stand the glory hunting Manure fans who’ve only recently taken up the idea of supporting an EPL club.

Hello from Manila. I’m up at an ungodly hour waiting for a win in DOrtmund.

masterofthegoonaverse
masterofthegoonaverse

Good man!

LANS
LANS

Can’t help thinking this article wasn’t very funny was it?

Ah well… who give a fuck, we just beat Dortmund… away… top of the league… Aaron Ramsey…

santori
santori

Another hitherto unknown fact, those 3000 noisy Arsenal away fans are actually the ones that have been banned from Highbury and now the Emirates for not being able to sit quietly and stick to polite tea room clapping.

Iamtheantisp*r
Iamtheantisp*r

Oh Blogs, thank you for this. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read and seen. Still laughing a day later.