10 facts you never knew about Gabriel Paulista (probably)

So, he’s finally signed, Gabriel Paulista is a Gooner but what do we know about the new boy? Here are 10 facts about him that will ensure you’re the man of the hour as you hold court in the pub talking to your mates.

1 – His full name is Gabriel Armando de Abreu, but he’s known as Gabriel Paulista because he comes from São Paulo, and his favourite Soprano’s character was  Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gualtieri.

2 – When he was growing up, his family was so poor that they often had little else to eat except bricks and branches that were foraged from the what’s left of the Brazilian rain forest after McDonald’s chopped most it down to graze cheap cows. This diet left him with a severe calcium deficiency and it was only after he signed his first professional football contract and was put on a strict diet of cheese, milk and sour-cream Pringles that his bone density improved.

3 – His favourite footballers of all time are Ronaldinho, Bebeto, Romario, Malcolm Christie, and Geppetto.

4 – He joined Villarreal (nickname: The Yellow Submarine), in 2013 and as thanks for his performances, the club bought him an actual submarine in which he travelled to London to complete his move to Arsenal. The move was almost jeopardised when he had to fight a colossal squid off the Bay of Biscay but thankfully he put that mother down with his final torpedo.

5 – As a youngster he featured on the famous Brazilian kids TV quiz ‘Where’s my gnu?’, in which contestants have to answer general knowledge questions in order to win a gnu or the cash equivalent. He came 11th out of 12, having mistakenly answered the multiple-choice question that the Statue of Liberty was holding b) an ice-cream.

6 – The Home Office have actually granted Gabriel TWO work permits after he wooed officials with his intricate knowledge of British culture. Under interrogation the Brazilian was able to recount the entire plot of all five series of Downton Abbey, correctly identified Bruce Forsyth in a line-up that included several old oak trees and shed a tear when shown a picture of Princess Diana.

7 – To ensure the new boy felt at home while doing his medical at London Colney, Dick Law asked Gilberto Silva to provide a soothing bosanova soundtrack to be played in the background. The Invincible’s lilting voice and delicate mandolin strumming was remixed by big Gooner Gilles Petersen and helped keep the player’s heartbeat regular while Colin Lewin touched his special area. It will be released on 7″ picture-disc vinyl next week.

8 – Gabriel firmly believes revenge is a dish best served hot. After getting nutmegged by Diego Costa in a game against Atletico Madrid he invited the striker to a dinner party with the sole aim of feeding him sausage rolls with a filling hotter than the sun. As the Chelsea man suffered third degree burns to his tongue Gabriel laughed and refused to give him a glass of water. This is why Costa looks so old.

9 – While both Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil frequently post pictures of their dogs on Instagram, Gabriel uses his social media network to show off his artistic skills with a series of self-portraits like the one below:

One day he hopes to draw one that looks even vaguely like himself.

10 – As a child he would tell his parents that he would be as successful as Pele so he could get them anything they wanted as they grew older. “I want to be good enough at football so a gigantic pharmaceutical company will pay me money to advertise pills which have an invigorating, lasting effect on the penis”, he said.

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