Wednesday, November 29, 2023

10 facts you never knew about Gabriel Paulista (probably)

So, he’s finally signed, Gabriel Paulista is a Gooner but what do we know about the new boy? Here are 10 facts about him that will ensure you’re the man of the hour as you hold court in the pub talking to your mates.

1 – His full name is Gabriel Armando de Abreu, but he’s known as Gabriel Paulista because he comes from São Paulo, and his favourite Soprano’s character was  Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gualtieri.

2 – When he was growing up, his family was so poor that they often had little else to eat except bricks and branches that were foraged from the what’s left of the Brazilian rain forest after McDonald’s chopped most it down to graze cheap cows. This diet left him with a severe calcium deficiency and it was only after he signed his first professional football contract and was put on a strict diet of cheese, milk and sour-cream Pringles that his bone density improved.

3 – His favourite footballers of all time are Ronaldinho, Bebeto, Romario, Malcolm Christie, and Geppetto.

4 – He joined Villarreal (nickname: The Yellow Submarine), in 2013 and as thanks for his performances, the club bought him an actual submarine in which he travelled to London to complete his move to Arsenal. The move was almost jeopardised when he had to fight a colossal squid off the Bay of Biscay but thankfully he put that mother down with his final torpedo.

5 – As a youngster he featured on the famous Brazilian kids TV quiz ‘Where’s my gnu?’, in which contestants have to answer general knowledge questions in order to win a gnu or the cash equivalent. He came 11th out of 12, having mistakenly answered the multiple-choice question that the Statue of Liberty was holding b) an ice-cream.

6 – The Home Office have actually granted Gabriel TWO work permits after he wooed officials with his intricate knowledge of British culture. Under interrogation the Brazilian was able to recount the entire plot of all five series of Downton Abbey, correctly identified Bruce Forsyth in a line-up that included several old oak trees and shed a tear when shown a picture of Princess Diana.

7 – To ensure the new boy felt at home while doing his medical at London Colney, Dick Law asked Gilberto Silva to provide a soothing bosanova soundtrack to be played in the background. The Invincible’s lilting voice and delicate mandolin strumming was remixed by big Gooner Gilles Petersen and helped keep the player’s heartbeat regular while Colin Lewin touched his special area. It will be released on 7″ picture-disc vinyl next week.

8 – Gabriel firmly believes revenge is a dish best served hot. After getting nutmegged by Diego Costa in a game against Atletico Madrid he invited the striker to a dinner party with the sole aim of feeding him sausage rolls with a filling hotter than the sun. As the Chelsea man suffered third degree burns to his tongue Gabriel laughed and refused to give him a glass of water. This is why Costa looks so old.

9 – While both Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil frequently post pictures of their dogs on Instagram, Gabriel uses his social media network to show off his artistic skills with a series of self-portraits like the one below:

Gabriel Paulista Instagram

One day he hopes to draw one that looks even vaguely like himself.

10 – As a child he would tell his parents that he would be as successful as Pele so he could get them anything they wanted as they grew older. “I want to be good enough at football so a gigantic pharmaceutical company will pay me money to advertise pills which have an invigorating, lasting effect on the penis”, he said.

Feel free to share our astounding facts far and wide!

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He also have a funny knee ….#welcomegabriel to the Arsenal Family

Yorkshire gunner

Hahaha number 8 man…


Instant classic. haha


Lets see how long it takes for to publish these facts on their website


Where do you think Blogs learnt these facts?

Andy Mack

“his special area. It will be released on 7″ picture-disc vinyl next week.”
Why would anyone want a picture disc of his ‘special area’???????

ooh to be

what even is a picture disk vinyl? Where do you get this stuff blogs?


11. When injured, Gabriel has no need of horse placenta. Being half equine himself, he is able to squeeze a far more potent healing jelly from a specially installed slot where you and I have our belly buttons. This was a consideration to both clubs in negotiating his fee.


Credit for making up such hilarious situations =P. Great imagination at work

Scott P

This guy had better be good, he cost us about a Brazilian pounds


That was really punny


“I have to live my life knowing I’ll never be the best Brazilian defender as long as Gabriel is playing.”
-Thiago Silva

[Well, he hasn’t denied that he said that.]

Alexis is better than sex

Link please?


He looks a bit like Sylvinho with those teeth! Great that we’ve finally got the cover at CB we need, hopefully he can become a top defender.


I understand he also murmured “cunt…” when shown a picture of John Terry.

Andy Mack

Who doesn’t?


It’s more of a involuntary bodily function like breathing or blinking.


That’s evolution right there


i wonder how terry will look when he evolves


A bit like Mourinho


Cant wait to see these facts appear in the newspaper tomorrow.

Yankee Gooner

I heard he can play in any striker’s pocket and can eat an apple through a picket fence.


and a pound of cheese through a venetian blind at the same time


Gabriel’s so tough he makes onions cry, and so smart he once won a game of Connect 4 in only three moves. He doesn’t lick stamps, he just stares at them until they wet themselves. Bruce Springsteen calls Gabriel “The Boss”, Chuck Norris opens doors for him, ghosts sit around campfires telling Gabriel stories, and the bogeyman checks under his bed for Gabriel.


Classic stuff.

I think we will be close to bringing him into the fixtures right away considering Koscielny needs to tend to his tendinitis.

Added technical ability at the back is key which is why he is a better deal than Reid.

Similar issue with Jenkinson. he works alright for West Ham but he is not technical enough for the way we play. Both Bellerin and Chambers have better skills on the ball.


Wonderful. The bit involving Costa had me literally laughing out loud, not too common for the internet.


No I knew these.


Common Blogs, these facts are common knowledge (well they are now), when are we going to get The low down?….


Who doesn’t? Common Blogs,when are we getting the ‘real ‘low-down?


24 Blimey!

Air Bergkamp

Having looked at a couple of videos on the ‘choob, he looks like a great ball-winner with real aerial prowess and a fantastic work rate. HOWEVER, clearly his greatest asset is that he’s a really, REALLY ugly fucker. It’s no coincidence that the most successful Arsenal central defence pairing of recent times had faces only their mothers could love. And lets face it, this guy is hideously grotesque, I’m talking Victorian freak-show standard. Even Iain Dowie doesn’t mind standing next to him, in fact he feels like Dorian Gray compared to this incongruously malformed brute. That said, I hear he… Read more »


I didn’t know Dorian Gray was an Arsenal fan.

Air Bergkamp

Oh yes, he spent most of his time up west, but his heart lied in Islington.

Air Bergkamp

Hey guys, I only said it, you were all thinking it. I am a little concerned that his hair isn’t good enough to make the first team though.

Black Hei

I actually agree with you. His face is shit scary. Reminds me of Keown.


I reckon he looks suspiciously like the mummy of Rameses II.
I look forward to him being immune to any form of injury, including death and being able to call down a pestilential plague of pustules upon the Stoke squad (not that anyone would notice).


This makes sense.


This was hilarious although I doubt anything other than the first three are actual facts lol

The Lawyer

Not very funny. Maybe post some genuine useful facts rather than this drivel?

Master bates

Are you saying Diego Costa doesn’t look old ?


Bad day Lawyer?


Couldn’t find any flies to pull the wings off of today, then, Lawyer?


For the love of God!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnn!

Master bates

Since he now plays in an english speaking country , he’ll now be known as Gabriel From-Sao-Paulo

Reality Check

No it’s Gabriel takes it from Paul


And he’s also a deadspit for that Dappy fella

Robert Morici

This made me lol. And I love loling.


man this is pure lies…


I see sarcasm is not widely excepted in most places then


Did you know that a couple of weeks after the Diego Costa incident, Costa invited Gabriel to his home for an apparent retaliation. Costa offered Gabriel the same type of scalding sausage roll that he had eaten but Gabriel just looked at him and muttered “really?” “Isn’t this roll obviously hot?” he retorted. But Costa, in an attempt to prove it wasn’t, took the sausage roll from Gabriel and chucked it into his mouth. As he shouted and jumped around from his pains, he pleaded with Gabriel for water and Gabriel obliged him this time and gave him a cup… Read more »


Ancient Brazilian scriptures state that ‘Gabriel’ was a name given to warriors that like to smash the crap out of the enemies…. Namely ‘shawcrossians’ welcome to The Arsenal Gabriel


I like your historical detail, Yockney… more please…


Pissing myself laughing on a crowded train, delayed due to high winds blowing plastic onto the overhead cables. Apparently.


I like to think that “explain arseblog to the new guy” is a job that a senior player has to do when a new guy like Paulista tracks down articles like this about themselves.

I can only hope that Per is now holder of the torch after the Mertesecker/Puppy thing, and that the phrase “Like an Irish Terry Wogan” has been used a few times in the explanation. Paints a lovely picture doesn’t it?


Was the eye patch removed pre medical


No, as it would have revealed Gabriel’s THIRD EYE! His secret weapon.


An ITK told me nr 3 is false. Otherwise, good job!

monkey knees

I have it on good authority that it was he, indeed, who shot the deputy.


He looks HARD, just what we need in DM, watch out J Terry, your time is up!…..


I meant at Centre Back……


11.2m quid is a good price. Most media outlets do not understand the intricacies of the haggling process. They will take the higher price of 20m Euros and assume Arsenal will have to pay that. Wenger rarely pays the asking price which is sometimes the reason why the deal goes down to the wire. a) He likes to wait for any potential rival suitor to do their big deals first so they can’t come in on his targets b) As anyone who has haggled will tell you, you get the true price the longer you wait. c) Leverage. The reason… Read more »


I missed the entire episode of Cowboy Builders reading that!


13. In 2014 he was voted the second prettiest girl in Scunthorpe



Ex-Priest Tobin

I’m afraid these fake articles are getting a bit tired.


You should ask for your money back.

Ex-Priest Tobin

I don’t get the “it’s free” argument – there’s quite a few advertisements on this site and the owners must be making a decent living from it.


You could try to convince the advertisement agency to take the ads down then?

Come on, it shouldn’t matter to you how much the ad revenue is.
To YOU it’s free. So take it or leave it.


You miserable f****er…. don’t bother then. Who rattled your cage?

paddy gunn

I assure you He who was once called Father Tobin, it’s a real article. And contains more facts than anything ever read ON SPORTSLOBSTER!

Eboue's Korean Tutor

3 – His favourite footballers of all time are Ronaldinho, Bebeto, Romario, Malcolm Christie*, and Geppetto.

*oh… so that’s who this is:


Thank God for that final torpedo…


I love this Gabriel already because he looks like a warrior

Last Man Standing

That #10 though… hahahaha you Bloggs must be on a real high grade today! Top post

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