Arsenal set to be investigated over suspicious fitness issues

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Arsenal are braced for an investigation after newspaper reports yesterday showed highly suspicious fitness issues at the club.

The Telegraph have revealed that for the first time this season not a single Arsenal player missed training because of injury. Arsene Wenger had the full complement of players available to him thus leading experts to suggest something was amiss.

“This is Arsenal, after all,” said an industry leading expert who spoke to Arseblog News on the proviso that he, Randolph Spongetrimmer, remain anonymous.

“We’re talking about men who can strain a calf getting out of their car too quickly, snap an Achilles changing the TV channel, and rupture a cruciate ligament by thinking about whether or not Jon Snow is really dead.

“It’s clear there’s something very dubious going on here, and with all the latest revelations about doping in football, it wouldn’t be a surprise to discover Arsene Wenger and Shad Forsythe have been cooking up their own medicine in an RV out the back of the training ground.”

Club sources have denied this is the case, and insist the current situation is down to ‘blind luck … wait, don’t say that.

‘Say ‘Because we’re making great strides from a medical point of view’. That’s much better.’

Neither Wenger or Forsythe were available for comment, with a club spokesperson saying they were enjoying a meal at their favourite fried chicken restaurant. Just for the chicken. No other reason at all.

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Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago

That headline…

I don’t think any person/club would look more foolish as a result of a doping scandal than Arsenal would, what with the strong stance of Wenger and laughable performance of the club. Not that I think it’s happening of course, for precisely those reasons, but that’s where you took me.

Highberry
Highberry
4 years ago

Tell you what I’d investigate that the bookies are set to pay out millions because Leicester (a team that was so bad last year they were on the brink of being relegated) are going to win the league we’re on course to fight our way to fourth again and last years champions are languishing in mid table. It is almost as if it was a cunning plan cooked up by foreign investors and a manager with a degree in economics to make (another) fortune with outsider bets. But that couldn’t happen could it? The next thing you’ll be telling me… Read more »

Halles
Halles
4 years ago

Are you one of those guys that read headlines and jump straight to the comment section? That’s not a good thing to do, mate. Really.

Halles
Halles
4 years ago
Reply to  Halles

*reads and jumps of course. I guess it’s too early for me today.

ndkbse
ndkbse
4 years ago
Reply to  Halles

Cue the pedantic grammar Nazis but I think “read” and “jump” are correct as “guys” is plural so the verbs need to be singular

Yankee Gooner
Yankee Gooner
4 years ago
Reply to  ndkbse

The subject is “one,” which is modified by “of those guys,” so the verbs do need to agree with the singular “one.” It’s a pretty common error, making the verb agree with the object of a prepositional phrase. And: football.

edan
edan
4 years ago
Reply to  ndkbse

@Yankee Gooner: You are wrong. It’s not a question of singular vs plural, but of different tenses. You either say “one of those guys that reads headlines and jumps straight…” or you modify the tense and say “one of those guys that will read headlines and jump straight…”. Notice the “will” modifying the tense.

Highberry
Highberry
4 years ago
Reply to  Halles

Nope I’m one of those guys who adds a tongue in cheek post to an obviously humorous article

Kash
Kash
4 years ago
Reply to  Halles

The grammar is perfectly correct in the first sentence. It is NOT “..one of the guys that (who) reads and jumps..” but “.. one of those guys that(who) read and jump..” i.e you are just one of the many who do that.

Keith
Keith
4 years ago

WHOOOOOOOOOSHHH!!

Crash Fistfight
Crash Fistfight
4 years ago
Reply to  Keith

Why does everyone think Cornelius P Snuffington III thought this article was serious?

Does nobody note the use of the word ‘would’ in his post???

GunnAlex
GunnAlex
4 years ago

Was it Cesc who threw the pizza on Emirates roof?

lonsdale
lonsdale
4 years ago
Reply to  GunnAlex

After finding out he wasn’t going to rejoin, he threw the celebratory pizza on the roof and went to get a curry with Mourinho.

I know, it makes me feel ill too.

Alistair Nairn
Alistair Nairn
4 years ago

If only we had all our players fit for even 90% of the season that would be a major improvement & who knows the difference that would have made. Here’s hoping for next season!!

Arsene Wenger
Arsene Wenger
4 years ago
Reply to  Alistair Nairn

That’s a little bit too much, I would be happy with 89%

Askzidane
Askzidane
4 years ago

Los pollos hermanos?

Phil348
Phil348
4 years ago

“Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting……. ” lets get the old Mexican guy in the wheelchair to do the half time team talk away at Stoke next season.

Eyob
Eyob
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Man..I wish I am an admin too.

Bob's Mexican Cousin
Bob's Mexican Cousin
4 years ago
Reply to  Phil348

My grandpa looks just like him, no joke

Jamie Vardinho
Jamie Vardinho
4 years ago

Pics or it didnt happen. Preferably behind a table with some thinly spread flour and a 20 pound note

someone's something
someone's something
4 years ago

Firmly believe McCringelberry has something to do with this.

Arsene Wenger
Arsene Wenger
4 years ago

You’re confusing him with O’Pringleberry. Inventor of sour cream and onion.

Crash Fistfight
Crash Fistfight
4 years ago

When I saw the headline I thought it was going to be about the dodgy doc’s comments in the times – well played, sir, this put a smile on my face.

I’m surprised everyone is uninjured though – what about Arleta?

voldermort
voldermort
4 years ago

His body is in pieces in legoland but his hair is intact so he counts as uninjured

Crash Fistfight
Crash Fistfight
4 years ago
Reply to  voldermort

Haha, genius!

I feel bad for Arteta – he was really underrated when at his best, but since about 18 months ago his body has fallen to pieces. I’d like him to take up a role with us – not sure if/why he has an affinity with Guardiola (would they have interacted at Barca?).

Jean-Luc
4 years ago

Don’t worry about Arteta. He’s going to be the next Pep.

eduardo
eduardo
4 years ago

the odd thing about the Arteta injury situation this season is that he has barely missed any training, especially the second half of the season, but has not been included in a match day squad.

Mpls
Mpls
4 years ago
Reply to  eduardo

It seems to me all parties concerned there see the writing on the wall. I think Arteta is maturely accepting his situation.

A good man, worthy of our respect.

Arsene-al fan
Arsene-al fan
4 years ago

They have all got themselves fit for the most important time of the year.

It’s time to spend some of that money and get on the beach.

Skinnyarse
Skinnyarse
4 years ago

They really should stop ordering pizza and chucking leftovers on the floor where most of the players have slipped on bits of sweet corn and jalapeños, and Wenger knows this and he knows he is guilty of pushing them to eat these highly addictive junk food. He has tried to give them bibs to eat with so bits of food doesn’t go everywhere on his floor but the boys just can’t get used to wearing bibs. Wenger is guilty of not teaching them to eat pizza properly and should be given a lifetime ban from management ?

Smart-Arse
Smart-Arse
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Of all the blood-boiling comments I’ve read here over the years….

Crash Fistfight
Crash Fistfight
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

This is like the butter before jam thing all over again.

Faxe
Faxe
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

You are confusing evil with delicious.

Crash Fistfight
Crash Fistfight
4 years ago
Reply to  Faxe

Only if you mean delicious in the Golden Delicious sense – eurgh.

Corona X
Corona X
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

What’s next, you gonna have a go at pineapple as well? Most underrated topping in my opinion!

Not to worry though, even if you say that cheese has no place on pizza, I’ll still come here every day to enjoy your opinions.

Arsenal opinions, that is. 🙂

Paul
Paul
4 years ago
Reply to  Corona X

Just have barbeque sauce on the base and all is good!

Arsepedant
Arsepedant
4 years ago
Reply to  Paul

That is just going too far.

Paul
Paul
4 years ago
Reply to  Paul

Trust me…:-)

Alex
Alex
4 years ago

When a guy like Wislere who is supposed to be the past, the present, the future, the everything in Arsenal is not punished for repeatedly smoking and drinking, when his antics are said to be his “private life”, then so be it. Is he an example for the young ones? Would the others mind for an additional glass of beer or one hour or two more in a night-club before training?

Almunia
Almunia
4 years ago

Elsewhere, there will be no st. Totteringham celebrations this year

Mark Hughes
Mark Hughes
4 years ago
Reply to  Almunia

Now they have hilariously ballsed up their chances of the league, they might stop playing and suddenly we close the gap. Fairly unlikely but so was Chelsea’s implosion and Leicester’s league win.

Paul
Paul
4 years ago
Reply to  Mark Hughes

With the Deli bloke on a charge for eating too many cut meats? You never know!

Paul
Paul
4 years ago
Reply to  Paul

Kane could easily get injured tripping over his bottom lip with all the Spuds disappointment…

voldermort
voldermort
4 years ago

In a way this is better. They got so close but will ultimately fail and the pain for them will be worse.
If we can sort ourselves out then they will just dissappear into the oblivion from whence they came. And order will be restored.

Dom47
Dom47
4 years ago
Reply to  voldermort

Yes, but I’d rather have us in their position and fuck it up, going upwards with a young and determined manager and squad than us, stagnating (which is going downwards really), with a manager and most of the squad keeping their heads in the sand or in the clouds, whichever you prefer. I’m not simpatizing or being positive about the scum in any way so pls, no thumbs down for that reason :))

Lloyd Townsend
Lloyd Townsend
4 years ago
Reply to  Dom47

Bad comment IMO. Name some of these “young and determined” managers who we’d actually be able to get (and would actually want)? The only person that comes to mind is unfortunately Pocchetino. Age is no barrier in particular, especially considering Ranieri is winning the league.

Dom47
Dom47
4 years ago
Reply to  Lloyd Townsend

Ok.. At the moment, de Boer, Koeman (not really young but many years ahead of him). Simeone, maybe, he’ll for sure want a change of scenery and taking Arsenal over after 20 years will be most of the managers’ dream I’m sure. If the board would have an ambition to match his. That Basel guy is doing a really great job, Yakin I think. Thomas Tuchel looks like a grat manager in the making as well. Probably 1 or two British managers surely have great potential, although I’m not following any in particular (but Howe was mentioned by some football… Read more »

Hadvar
Hadvar
4 years ago

You have to welcome footballers who are actually available to play football really. Could even have made the difference I guess, had Jack not got trapped in that old fridge, or Santi not fallen into that silage pit. A lot of people seem to be hoping that Theo will get into a car with a stranger, and there’s the ever present risk that Alexis’ Frisbee will go into an electricity sub station, or Ozil will start flying his kite next to some pylons.

Brendan
Brendan
4 years ago

Long may it continue

Al Gilmore
Al Gilmore
4 years ago

My life is empty and useless cos I haven’t watched Breaking Bad and don’t know what all these references mean..

bazza-wicks
bazza-wicks
4 years ago

JOHN TERRY IS A CUNT

ndkbse
ndkbse
4 years ago

On a related subject – Diaby’s comeback lasted a game and 63 minutes before limping off injured…

a
a
4 years ago

never mind the injuries, these players giroud, ramsey, walcott, mertesacker need to have the brains checked for intelligence, heart for desire, and testicles because they have no balls when the pressure drops.

i

Brian wallace
Brian wallace
4 years ago

Since the Arsenal canteen started serving ‘Liam Brady’s racehorse placenta stew’ and ‘Willy Young’s ginger & asparagus soup’ the injured have become miraculously healed.

heihaci
heihaci
4 years ago

Arsene is Walter White Jnr?

Gunner from Ghana
4 years ago

Is Jon Snow really dead?

Sam
Sam
4 years ago

Haha class

Les
Les
4 years ago

It’s all down to careful planning – everyone is fit because the season is over.

IamsterdamGooner
IamsterdamGooner
4 years ago

Yooo that Arsene picture man xD hahaha might be the kush talkin but thats just fuckin genius i dont care bout the article no more haha

I’l go back n read it tho… If the pics anything to go by it should be good 🙂

Naija Gunner
Naija Gunner
4 years ago

Hmmmmmn…Funny lot, thanks for making me laugh guys

Freddie Red Pubes
Freddie Red Pubes
4 years ago

Ah good banter, better than the usual foreign crap!