Mathieu Flamini has ceased to exist having been finally removed from the kit builder on the official Arsenal website.
Earlier this week, as the new kit was launched, fans were left wondering why it was you could still order a ‘Flamini 20’ shirt, but not an ‘Arteta 8’ or a ‘Rosicky 7’.
All three are out of contract this summer and set to leave the Emirates, but the removal of the Frenchman from the website’s back-end has had unintended consequences.
It’s reported that the midfielder was enjoying a Slush Puppy (blue) with friends at a local park when it happened, and simply disappeared from sight. Scientists are now questioning whether or not this might have wider implications for the universe as a whole.
“Right now we remember Flamini,” said Godfrey Twattschlock, Professor of Applied Science and Timeology at the University of Northumbria, “but what happens if we start to forget?
“And what if by forgetting it comes to pass that he never existed at all? We could be looking at a paradox that could open up a wormhole that could create a pathway between dimensions.
“There’s the one where Flamini is as good at football as he is at pointing and shouting. There’s the one where Mesut Ozil is his arch-nemesis. The one where he never two-foots anyone. The multiverse theory covers every eventuality.
“But there’s also the one where Flamini’s seed never made the grade, and he simply wasn’t born.
“The effect on Arsenal’s history could be catastrophic as, in the summer of 2004, they signed a young Frenchman on a free named Jaques A’Taque, who turned out to be a sleeper agent for a robot army who invaded the earth and enslaved us all.”
Professor Twattschlock’s reading of the situation might well be a glass half empty one, but until such time as we’re hooked up to machines and milked by Automatrons, we’ll never know.
A spokesperson for Arsenal refused to comment, except to say ‘This is a load of bollocks.’