It is being reported today that the Premier League will introduce goal line technology for the start of the 2013-14 season.
British based company Hawk-Eye have been awarded the contract, and this should put an end to ludicrous decisions like when somebody scored that goal against United which was miles over the line and wasn’t given and … erm … the Frank Lampard one but that was in the World Cup and not relevant to this story.
According to the BBC, “Hawk-Eye is known for providing tennis and cricket with ball-tracking technology. Its football system notifies the referee if the ball has crossed the goal line via a vibration and optical signal sent to the officials’ watches within one second.”
Installations will begin this summer and is the first technological advancement in the game since vibrating flags were issues to linesmen assistant referees.
It got us thinking about what other technologies could be implemented to make the game better.
LIPATRON3000 – This provides a transcript of everything John Terry says on a football pitch, helping to avoid any confusion as to his undertones. Or, indeed, overtones.
JUDGE-MATIC – This is a fancy add-on for TV companies which, when a player dives during a game, analyses the angle, length, speed and how dramatic a fall is before displaying a graphical scorecard (8.6 – 7.9 – 8.5)
GOOGLE GOGGLES – Each player will wear these fetching Edgar Davids inspired eye-pieces which allow them to view live in-game Tweets and hilarious questions posed to them through the medium of hashtags (e.g #askrobin – “Can you remember the last goal you scored?”)
ONEDIRECTION ATMOSBLASTERS – At quiet moments during games, and to encourage fans to make noise, the tannoy will belt out each club’s most popular songs as sung by popular beat combo ‘One Direction’. A sample version of Man United’s country roads can be found here.
OPTACOST INDEXING – As well as measuring the actions each player takes in a game, Opta will now place a value on each pass, shot, tackle, interception, header and so on, based on a player’s weekly salary, so fans can see if they’re getting value for money. Three consecutive missed passes will result in an autocue on the electronic scoreboards urging the crowd to boo constantly until the player does something good.
DARTH REFEREES – Following the lead of rugby, referees will have broadcasted microphones, with a voice enhancer to make them sound authoritative and a bit scary (this is known as the Ellaryian Dichotomy). Sensors will monitor conversations, bleeping out player swear words on the fly with comedy noises like that made by a duck on the side of a canal when mounted by a dog.
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*Please note: all these ideas are ©Arseblog News, but we’d be happy to licence them out. Please call our sales team for more info.
Brilliant article. I am crying with laughter right now.
Great article and on the topic of goal line technology am I the only person fed up of the only example being shown is Frank Lampshade…
*frank lump-fat/fart.
Particularly OPTACOST INDEXING. Please make it happen.
“Duck mounted by a dog”
Ahh, this brings me back, oh sweet memories.. I can still hear the litte fella quacking away with horror 🙂
Yes, THAT Hawkeye! Nice.
I propose the C*NT-O-METER; using a camera embedded in each referee’s skull and a not-very-sophisticated algorithm, it will immediately evaluate a player’s c*nt rating, on a calibrated scale ranging from Tomas Rosicky (absolute zero) to J*hn T*rry (absolute c*nt). Ratings will be listed by Opta, and at the end of the season the biggest c*nt gets is eaten by tigers.
That’s a bit unfair on Chelsea. They would have no decent players left.
Not Stoke/Spurs?
@random: You’re right. There is such a lot of competition for the biggest cunt these days. Stoke and Spurs do have plenty of them too.
@Mikos: Chelsea from 2004 to 2011 would have been in a whole world of trouble. Terry, Drogba, Robben, Cole. They’re slightly less cuntish these days. When Terry and Cole retire in a couple of years they won’t be too bad. Stoke and Spurs will leapfrog them in the cunt league.
Well, I don’t see any problem with that.
The little fellas Oscar and Mata seem like nice boys, and Cech is mates with Rosicky so he must be alright. That would be about it though.
Really proud to have sourced the Lenses for Hawkeye. Hope my company gets another large order from them.
About fucking time that Football was dragged into the 21st century.
I love that you have a picture of Hawkeye to illustrate the story. I wonder how many will actually get it.
Arseblog, you are one funny bastard!
wow if its based on vibration then we should ask Gunnersaurus to jump up and down everytime we shoot .
It’s not based on vibrations at all, its a sophisticated camera based solution. Really amazing complex system to be honest. It uses 7 cameras to track the ball 3 dimensionally.
You can find the info here on there website : https://s3.amazonaws.com/hawkeye-static/GLT_HowItWorks3.pdf
Introducing the amazing:
ELECTRO-SHOCKER of BALLS
A powerful battery is attached to each players scrotum which is connected to a “thing” that will evaluate the nature of every fall the player takes during a game. If the computer calculates that the fall was not necessary (i.e diving) the battery will discharge 7.000 volts directly to the ball sack of the player. The electric shock will start midair (for humorous pictures) and continue for a period of 25 seconds.
I just solved diving in football, you´re welcome!
What would be nice is if the FA started retrospectively punishing cunts for dangerous tackles if they get booked or if it goes unnoticed, etc. They’ve had access to the required technology for years. It’s called “instant replay”. They should try using it.
Still, goal-line tech is a step in the right direction.
Personally, I’m waiting for the introduction of technology which will make a player who makes a leg breaking tackle (e.g. Shawcunt) subjected to 10000 Volts of electricity to his testicles instantly. Same goes for people/managers (e.g. Pubis) who later on say he’s not that kind of player.
About time too, sick of fourth and fifth officials playing god when it comes to allowing/disallowing goals.
They should make the ref’s wear headset cameras such as those that have just been implemented in Super Rugby so we if there’s any doubt over whether the ref “couldn’t” see an incident it can be reviewed. Also allowing the ref to go to a video official to deem whether a foul is a cardable offence or not
What about a shrill-detector?
microphones are installed in the four corner posts and are calibrated prior to each match to recognise the referees whistle. A big red flashing light comes on 1 second after all 4 microphones have picked up the sound. Any act of kicking the ball away that takes place between the whistle blowing and the light coming on will be ignored when the ref is considering sending a player of for timewasting.
May have come in useful in the Camp Nou a short while ago…
More importantly, Sky s reporting that Prem League has ratified FFP introduction. Lets hope this royally Donald Ducks the financially doped clubs.
Jeremy Renner has nothing better to do with his time?
I believe Alex Ferguson has been trialling the part of the Hawkeye technology that lets him send signals to the referees watch.
Who is the jerk in the picture?
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personally i wouldnt want goal line technology in football. it would spoil all the controversy and arguing and abusing of the ref. Football is becoming more and more ‘controlled’,if you know what i mean, with barely being allowed slide tackle without being given a card and all these rules being introduced.
I was wondering why the refs wear a head set? who are they talking to and who is talking to them?
They’re talknig to the Chinese takeaway for after the match. Don’t you know anything? Sheesh….
My only question is what happens if it goes wrong? Now i’m sure theyve tested it time after time after time and it appears to work in those other less interesting sports. But what if…
Boobs. That’s what happens.
The old safety net ….
I have no problem with that.
With a margin of error at +- 3cm , its high unlikely to be incorrect. Like Tennis, the system is so sophisticated it ‘predicts’ the flight/ path of the ball!
Brilliant article, thanks Blogs. I can’t help but think, though (and I’ll admit I’m a very paranoid, cynical bastard) that this will only be used against us. Picture it – Rambo fires in a thirty yard volley off the crossbar behind ge gay at the playhouse of nightmares, van cuntface’s hair explodes in terror, Kim Jong Un’s heart fails… and then the referee looks over at Big Nose, pats his pocket Asda style with a wink, and says, “No goal!”. Then at the return fixture, Arsene sneezes and gets banned from the touchline for a decade, and shreklecunt rifles in… Read more »
lads, did you hear all the rumors that Alex song is wanting to come crawling back? the story is appearing on a lot of sites but i don’t know if there is any truth to it. Does anyone think it would be a good thing? Personally I think we have a better balanced squad since the skunkcunt and song left- we dont depend on 1 or 2 individuals were just a well rounded team that seem to complement each other although we miss RVPs firepower in fairness. anyway back to my original point (sorry i got distracted) its a testement… Read more »
Yeah, I mentioned it a couple of days ago and didn’t really get much reponse except a few red thumbs…
I think that Song could still be a decent squad player, but I’m not sure how it would affect the morale of the team. Mind you, Arsene knows that and I’m sure he’ll make the right decision (if there is a decision to be made!).
I suspect that new midiflelders will be the order of the day and not Barca rejects! What do you reckon?
I agree, i wouldn’t like to see him come back because hes confidence might be badly damaged. i think a successful transfer window would be
– sign up Sagna
-sign decent striker and maybe a midfielder like M’villa
– Get rid of deadwood like denilson and bendtner etc once and for all. Even if we have to give them away for nothing!
The Scots are apparently having their own version in the SPL. It’ll be called Hawk Eye the Noo.
Here’s your coat.
Bah.
I am currently studying in a university (or in university) in the USA. When I become rich and powerful, I will actually pay for the OptaCost idea to be implemented. It doesn’t even have to be by Opta or be officially affiliated with the Premiership , fans will get together to make their own company who will analyze the games.
I know the only extensive use of this technology has been in Tennis and Cricket. I think its worked all right in Tennis, but there are reservations about its use in cricket. Being from India, I am a huge follower of cricket and at times, Hawk-eye has been said to be not fully up to scratch, whenever it has been tried out to help umpires. There is still substantial debate on whether it should be implemented full time. Sure the TV Channels use it to “enhance” the viewing experience, but whether Umpires should use it as a decision making basis… Read more »
I think, like an offside, the linesman will signal if it has gone in. The system relays a message/alert to the officials headset/gear, telling them if it’s gone in. If it’s a goal, they signal it, if it’s not they let play go on and let the break happen.
You mean to say that the message will be instantaneously relayed to the linesman, within a second or two of the incident, so you know “immediately” whether its a goal or not. If that is the case then yeah it would work fine. I was under the assumption that like Tennis (or cricket) you would need play to stop for the review. Like in Tennis, we see play stop and then that animation of the shot as we follow the path of the ball, and see the ball the land, and THEN we see whether it was in or out.… Read more »
No it will be a simple signal sent straight to the referee whenever the ball crosses the line – no replays or anything like it.
Actually, the Hawkeye system is so sophisticated it can send real time video replays to prove the system is correct. These real time video replays can be streamed directly to TV companies and to the huge TVs at the stadium.
And about time.
hi,
actually, the idea to use google goggles not for the players but for the referees, to also give the instant feedback regarding offside positions, is an idea which is already registered, copy protected and so on… thanks
Anyone see Adebayor’s penalty last night? He not only completely fucked it up, but then had a good chuckle about it afterwards!
It’s a shame that Spurs aren’t still in the Europa though, the more distractions the better!
I debated about this in my head. If the potatoes can’t win without Chimp and Lemon, that would seriously hurt their team morale. If they go through, they may have to play 3 fixtures more, but that’s not that many. I’d rather that they feel useless without Chimp and Lemon.
I looked at a few Spurs blogs recently and they have pretty much all given up on getting top 4. To be honest if you had seen what they’ve gone through in the last few seasons you would wouldn’t you!
optacost indexing..mmmh nit sure what walcott would have to say about that one.
The LIPATRON3000, epic! Can’t stop laughing:D
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