Having played like a harem of hungover New Year’s Eve carousers Arseblog News (as suggested by @TheGoonerholic) has little choice but to speculate over what each player drank and did ahead of yesterday’s god-awful draw with Southampton.
Wojciech Szczesny: 8/10 – half pint of lager shandy. Had an early night.
Kieran Gibbs: 4/10 – 70cl bottle of Glen’s vodka. Woke up with his trousers around ankles.
Bacary Sagna: 2/10 – a box of red wine. Drank through till lunchtime before dozing off at 5.30pm.
Thomas Vermaelen: 4/10 – moonshine. Stayed up smoking fags with a random bloke until 4am.
Laurent Koscielny: 4/10 – 5 pints of eggnog. Lost his wallet and keys in the pub.
Santi Cazorla: 4/10 – bucket of sangria with sherry chasers. Tried his luck with a girl, failed, consoled himself with a kebab.
Mikel Arteta: 5/10 – festive sized bottle of Baileys. Woke up on the sofa (hair was still fine).
Jack Wilshere: 5/10 – tray of Jagerbombs. Shoving match with a big fella then puked in a taxi.
Theo Walcott: 4/10 – petrol from a rusting can. Disappeared, yet to be found.
Lukas Podolski: 3/10 – Scheiss beer (lots). Passed out on the tube home, woke up in the depot spooning a tramp.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: 4/10 – tequila slammers. Wistfully called his ex…ten times.
Subs
Olivier Giroud: 4/10 – absinthe. Back to his for coffee.
Gervinho: 4/10 – White Lightning. Sobbed alone on a park bench.
Aaron Ramsey: 4/10 – Carlsberg Special Brew. Got his head stuck in a bin.
Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.
Haha not surprised mikel’s hair stayed perfect.
Walcott.Disappeared yet to be found .
Absolutely spot on.Happens too often to be paid £100k a week.
Yeah because no one else has disappeared this season either, podolski is earning more and has given far less, as have many others. You need to look at the goals the bloke has contributed to the team. It is about money with theo and yeah I agree the bloke is being greedy and is inconsistent but in a team that performs so badly at times theo has scored goals and I have no faith in the club to bring in adequate replacements. Who do we replace his goals with? Because I can’t see them coming from within the squad as… Read more »
Also, it doesn’t matter what you think he is or isn’t worth per week, unfortunately that’s the industry standard that we’re dealing with at the top of the premiership.. If we can’t go some way toward meeting our best players wage demands, then this fabled Arsenal resurgence will never happen.
On the flip side, why is Poldi’s contract not good enough for Walcott? and why has Walcott suddenly started scoring this season? It’s down to the Arsenal system, doesn’t matter whose up front, if they’re a half decent finisher, they’ll get goals no doubt. Clear example is RVP last season developing into a central striker from a no. 10 role. Personally wish Arsene would play Poldi up front, think he’d do some real damage.
ps. If Gervinho could get 4 or 5 goals upfront this season…. not much else to say after that lol
I am guessing all those NYE night outs have happened to Blogs and Allen at some point.
No comment.
I second that no comment
The Ramsey one is brilliant. Not because it’s Ramsey, because it’s hilarious.
I’ve really never seen such a Jekyll and Hyde Arsenal side, and I’m sure I’ve said that before! At least we didn’t fucking lose.
I think, all things considering, Ramsey did quite well when he came on. He at least looked like he was putting a bit of effort in which can’t be said about many others. I thought Gervinho with a 4 was very generous, he deserved a 2 IMO. Spot on with Sagna, worst game i’ve seen him play in an Arsenal shirt.
I thought a 2 was generous for Sagna, I’ve never been convinced by a Full Back that doesn’t actually tackle, however he always had pace and strength going forward but now it would seem the years and broken legs have caught up with him.
One bad game from one of our most consistent performers and look how you clamour to discredit him! It’s pathetic. Sagna is far from a spent force and I sincerely hope he signs a new contract.
Sagna has been our best defender and most consistent performer for 3-4 years. He’s allowed a few Shiite games. Go back to bashing Ramsey and gervinho you twats.
I’ve been noticing his errors more recently. Not sure that means he’s making more though, could just be me worriying about him. I have a horrible feeling he is struggling after his leg breaks. He seems to check and look for a backpass more often than he used to. I wonder if he has lost a little pace and/or is worried he;ll get a kicking as he goes past a defender.
I could be wrong. I want to be proved wrong.
Wilshere -jack daniels. beaten down and drained but still up for the fight.
Poor Jack, all that then he goes out and gets kneed in the balls and kicked in the face. He seems a bit reckless and every game there is at least one moment where I think he’s gone and got injured again.
If jack gets injured then please sell gervinho………. (it has nothing to do with it, but please sell gervinho ffs)
Funniest player ratings to date in my opinion.
Good work!
Worst performance – Funniest ratings.
I want unfunny ratings and great performances from now.
Hahaha, loved it!
I wish at least one of them could follow my example and have an early night passed out on a mind enhancing (amazing) little purple tablett..
No hangover, just dashing!
haha creativity is an improvement
Read this thrice and still laughing. An Andrew Allen classic.
“Spooning a tramp”, quality.
I bet the whole team wake up this morning claiming they don’t remember a thing and claim they was spiked.
best ever post,worst ever match
It is all a shambles. The team are not united, few leaders in teh side and a manager that looks as if he is on auto pilot. Am i the only person that thinks that AW looks like an undertaker – is he really going to motivate a group of overpaid under qualified players to win games. The last few games we were papering over the cracks. truth is that we scores 4 goals in the last 20 of the game vs Newcastle only because we had the Boxing game off against a very tired and depleted Newcastle team. Psychologically,… Read more »
No.
And what has the way Wenger looks got to do with motivating the team. Maybe he should dress like superman or something?
I would love to see him dressed like Superman for a match, perhaps he can for the Man City game!
Hahahaha. That was really good. Thanks for cheering me up after our dismal performance yesterday evening.
You all dont realise that the Arsenal midfield is all wrong. Do you always see as if we’re being over run in midfield? It’s because we have the same type of players in there. Arteta, Wilshire and Carzola are the same type, small, slow and very skillful. All we needed was to drop one or two or even rework the midfield and include a fast player like Coquelin, then we would have won. We also need presence in midfield, Wilshire is skillful but his presence is not yet there, that’s why when Diaby comes back and Podolski drops on the… Read more »
“when Diaby comes back”, haha. Are you Arsene Wenger or the only other person that believes Diaby will play more than 90 minutes without breaking down again? We need to spend big on a top class midfield enforcer to control the midfield with Jack and Arteta
It’s the same pattern again and again – second game in 3/4 days with exactly the same midfield, which doesn’t show up. I just don’t understand why AW doesn’t trust coq and rosicky enough to start them in a game like this.
love it.
Had me laughing out loud in the middle of the road
You shouldn’t be standing in the middle of the road reading. It’s kinda dangerous.
Unless your a spud, in which case it should be actively encouraged. On the M25. In rush hour. At night. In the pishing rain. Wearing dark clothes. With Gareth Bale on your shoulders.
oops, forgot i changed my name, edit button please Andy.
But its where I do all my best reading 🙁
Its actually kind of your fault. Im walking around and my phone buzzes saying theres a new article. What am I supposed to do? Wait?
Jack’s rating: That brings back some memories now!
Brilliant. Must say after watching it felt like downing a tub of meths. Bit generous with the marks.
Gervinho should have had 1/10
Subs are suppose to change a bad game into a better one but he came in to make it hilariously worse, falling down here and there, losing the ball and lots of miss placed passes.
And Ramsey shouldn’t be the right swap for Cazorla.
I was so angry yesterday I had to go out for walk after the comedy of a match yesterday.
Chucklin’. Thanks Andrew.
Haha love the Arteta one 😀
Yesterday’s game screamed out for Rosicky, with his fast tempo passing and flying around trying to win the ball back.
Why was he not used?
Thomas Rosicky: 0/10 – 12 pints of Budvar. Moshed until he passed out at a Czech Death Metal NYE concert. Only named as a sub because he was found in a ditch outside the ground by Vic Akers who smelt something foul just before kick-off.
Quality…
You are bit harsh on Gibbs , if everyone bar Wilshere gave a fudge about the match like Gibbs did we would have won
Funny shit.
Evidently they need to stop serving alcohol at London Colney and start serving cans of whoop ass for inept performances!
Wenger – battered on Bordeaux box tap wine, hence putting on Gervinho and not Rosicky.
TomJ,
I’m not saying Diaby is the best there is. All I’m saying is that he will offer the variety that a midfield needs. In fact if they bought someone else that would be much better, but knowing Wenger, he will hoodwink us until the transfer window is over and then say he didn’t see any better player.
He might get to some of those free balls quicker than the rest of them. Every time there was a loose ball the oppo got to it first. It’s become a feature of our play this season. We keep getting overrun by teams that work harder than us. We can make anyone look like (the old, fluid) Man United if only they run around a lot. We concede lost of goals because the other teams (even Southampton) have no trouble passing to their own guys in the acres of space between our defenders and between the defence and midfield. We’re… Read more »
…and we never, ever defend the back post properly, hence the oppo always going for it now.
The game did for me highlight very clearly the issues in midfield. Previously I have been far more concerned about the team’s inconsistent attacking play but in reality the balance of the midfield is suspect. To be honest before Jack came back I wasn’t sure that Arteta/JAck/Cazorla would be as effective as billed. If I was playing us now I’d opt for an ultra physical midfield to easily combat those 3. Add the midfield imbalance to individual errors at the back and a woefully inconsistent set of wingers and we don’t look like top 4 material. And I have always… Read more »
HFS: absinthe. Back to his for coffee.
much lolz, good work AA
HFB….who’s HFS? Hairy fucking scrot? Himmlers favourite shovel?
Totally brilliant post! Cheered me up no end.
Thanks not just for this one, but for keeping me entertained every day and keeping some sort of perspective on everything Arsenal for the whole year.
All your funny comments settled my morning !!
Lukas Podolski: 3/10 – Scheiss beer (lots). Passed out on the tube home, woke up in the depot spooning a tramp.
Love that – cheered me up after a GOD AWFUL display yesterday!
Time to call on Miyachi? He is being wasted at Wigan. And maybe give Rosicky a start. He was brilliant at Olympiacos.
Maybe the fact Miyaichi can’t get a game is telling us something too
A lot of that could be due to him being injured a lot too though. Seemingly he is getting a run in the cup game if fit
Brilliant!
Behind this funny ratings lays an ugly truth about arsenal players. They didn’t give 100% against Southampton.
They need some serious kick in the head.
I believe strongly that we need a DM – with a different body structure (height) and style of play in the like of Song, Busquet, Khedira. That way, we can rotate the three guys – Cazola, Wilshere and Arteta. We can even convert either Vermaleen or Koscilney to a DM if Mr. Wenger is not ready to spend money. Vermaleen has this sharpness, can win ball very well and also play good shots.
Anyone who starts a sentence with ‘when Diaby comes back’ or ‘if Diaby was fit’ has clearly had a few of those new years eves all in one go
The best ratings I have ever read anywhere!!!!!!
Cracked the funk up!
This is just by far the best player rating I’ve ever read. Thank you for brightening up what was otherwise a truly awful game of football.
Arise Sir Andrew Blogs and Holic MBE.
For services to depressed Gooners everywhere on the day of the new years honours list.
Thank God they didn’t get our local brew of Potin.
A mixture of Rocket fuel and prozac.
Should have played Rosicky indtead of Ramsey!!
Should have used s instead of d.
“Olivier Giroud: 4/10 – absinthe. Back to his for coffee.”
Sounds like a 10/10 kinda night to me?
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