Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Arseblog News is hiring!

Job Description

Arseblog News are seeking to appoint a full time Assistant Deputy Blogging Supervisor Underling intern for the 2013-14 season.

Role: To assist Arseblog and Arseblog News Hound in sourcing, writing, publishing and creation of Arseblog News content.

The successful candidate will synergise the office environment by becoming an accomplished digital leader going forward and must possess blue sky thinking and have a passion for best practice marketability in the area of rationalised social media awareness. No buzzword lovers.

Duties: To do all the stuff we can’t be arsed to do which will include – writing, reading, translation, image manipulation, Photoshopping, Pet Shopping, data analysis, analysis of the data analysis, curation, coffee making, biscuit procurement, neck and shoulder massage (no happy endings), Tweeting, Re-Tweeting, Facebooking, Tumblring, emailing, scoffing at Adebayor via the medium of animated GIFs, IP tracing of comments we don’t like and creating an archive of all the times John Terry falls over.

Requirements: Applications should:

  • Have little or no expectation of career advancement
  • Hold a series of valuable educational documents which, in reality, mean nothing
  • Have excellent computer skills
  • Own a spaceship or an ocelot. Preferential treatment given to candidates who own both
  • Be at least 5′ tall and no shorter than 8’7
  • Not be limbless

This position is full-time and will require the successful applicant to work unsociable hours from July 2013 – until whenever we let them leave the office (sleeping bag will be provided).

This role is unpaid and includes no travel expenses or compensation of any kind, but we may pat you on the head from time to time and say “Good boy/girl” (Arseblog News is an equal opportunities exploiter employer).

To apply:

Please send a 1 page CV , written in carefully inked calligraphy on ancient parchment, along with a non-refundable £26.99 application fee, to:

Arseblog News HR
7 Cheap Street
Dublin 48
Republic of Ireland of Eire

Interview dates:

The week beginning the 12th of never.

Context (it’s a slow day)

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Koscielny to the rescue again

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Pehnchod

Haha. Ive been refreshing my browser to see the comment. Like a lot!

You should have done on april fools day too!!!

Matt

I really wish it has taken me significantly less time to work out what was happening here.

Lily

AGGGH, well done. I must have spent a full minute trying to see your comment…

uler56

My God your heightest discrimination policies are disgusting. Shame on you 🙂

Good piss-take. Premier League Clubs that role around in TV money wanting unpaid interns? That’s taking the Leagues unofficial motto ” Greed is good” too far.

Arseblood

I’d pay YOU to do it! Haha….

Catherine

I can think of a lot of players on our wage bill that can fit in quite nicely with your recruitment requirements !

Comedian

cunts.

Mildly Amusing Name

If nothing else, I can happily send you a photoshopped image of John Terry being kidnapped by owls.

Beagleboy

Especially images when they devour him. You know, what owls do with their sharp beaks and their pointy claws.

Ah, now that would be entertaining.

Juhis

Please do.

master floda

will the owls look like arshavin?

Arsene's Zip

No, Woy.

mike

im looking foreward to this lol

Ninad Kuchekar

Is it sad that I want to apply?

King Malta

Haha you and me both

Xanthias

I’m in Italy and, sadly, for this effing economical crisis, many young postgraduates accept to work for free, or, like in the Reading site, even wasting their own money. Why? Because you can put it on your CV and it’s better than unemployment.

Farid

The address better be right, else someone will be really rich =)

I imagine Arseblog’s office to very hard to get to in the deepest darkest Ireland.

Heh

I may not be qualified for this but I sure can write an archival of how many times john terry falls over!, the different faces he pulled, the no of fans in the stands who rose to applaud the occasion…e.t.c e.t.c I think I can do that.

evertsen

Own a spaceship or an ocelot. Preferential treatment given to candidates who own both
Be at least 5′ tall and no shorter than 8’7
Not be limbless

You think Ade will apply?

Please send a 1 page CV , written

cos he won’t

Nate

Darn I’m 4’11” so it looks like I can’t apply

mike

get really long coat and stilts, maybe bloggs will approve of your shameless cunning :p

Goon

I just graduated with a degree in Nothing. Skills include procrastination. Hire me.

mike

it seems you’re perfectly qualified for give me football, commiserations

Nir

fuck me, I was curiously looking for a career

Rod

Reading FC deserve to be in Championship (or maybe Blue Square) if they can’t afford to pay a full-time intern a salary.

Surely with their £59 million pound parachute payment, they could spare £20-25,000. Or maybe one of their distinctly average players could forego one week’s salary.

I could analyse their player’s performance for free. They’re shite.

Mrs Doubtfire

I am job

Dom

Aww damn, I have all the requirements, well sort of!
Actually took me a while to get it, good money making idea though

Bigj

I only have good word for Clint Dempsey for sending those cunt game to extra time. Allowing them to waste time and energy Lol

Dave M

There is no one better than me at procuring top notch biscuits. And I also own a rocket powered space ocelot. And his name is Jeremy. And he wears a cape.

Norfsirkilla

My friend Tyrion Lannister really wanted this position.. He ain’t happy

Eggster

My spaceship just failed its MOT and Dougie, my Ocelot, has just taken up with the ginger floosie next door so sadly I won’t be able to apply.

Clockendrider

Always the way with ocelots.
Bastards.

Mrmedia

When that wonderful gooner Addermisser started kicking his ass with his heels whilst taking a really important penalty I knew, I just knew he was going to strike a blow for the gooners. And he did. And I had the best night in ages. I’ve been in a great mood all day – unlike them eh!!!

Arsene Wenger

Adebayor is a secret agent of mine. He is currently helping us with his performances for that other team.

North Bank Ned

Easing up on the staff then, Blogs?

TW

Damnit I knew it was a mistake to sell my ocelot

Santi Claws

Legitimately gutted when I found out this was a joke.

You fucking tease, Blogs

davo57

Thank you Blogs for offering this most desirable position. As a passionate Arsenal person of several years standing I am ready to begin duties in July. I meet all your criteria including my Ocelot who is away exploring the Gamma quadrant in my spaceship but will be back for next seasons first fixture. The fiscal remuneration sounds delightful as it will serve my tax “circumstances ” admirably. I draw your attention to my football qualifications much admired by my present employer when I presented to him seven years ago but which in reality were valueless like my services. No career… Read more »

Margarito Kanevsky

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My brother suggested I may like this blog. He was once totally right. This post truly made my day. You can not believe just how a lot time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

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