Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Ribery absence a pain in the arse for Bayern

Franck Ribery, football’s most famous gargoyle, is out of the Champions League clash with Arsenal next week after surgery to repair a burst blood vessel in his buttock.

The Frenchman ruptured his arse last week and Bayern said today, “An examination on Monday revealed that the bruise, which had pressed on a nerve, was completely removed by surgery. Ribéry is scheduled to begin exercise therapy later this week and, a week later, he will return to running training.

“Therefore Ribéry will miss the next games for the record champions, among them the last-16 tie at Arsenal.”

It’s good news for Arsenal because Ribery is one of their most influential players and was shortlisted alongside Ronaldo and Messi for the Balon d’Or.

It’s also one of the most unusual injuries suffered by a footballer. Others include:

Chris Waddle – the Englishman missed three months with a fractured mullet during his time at Monaco.

Paul Warhurst – the former Blackburn forward spent 2 months on the sidelines after he had his little toe snapped off by a Galapagos Island turtle.

Ruel Fox – had to be checked into a psychiatric ward when he spent two weeks speaking gibberish on the Norwich training ground. “What does Ruel Fox say?”, was a commonly heard expression.*

Juninho – Boro’s pint sized Brazilian tweaked his knee ligaments when a neighbour’s St Bernard was attracted to his South American musk and got frisky, catching him off balance.

Frank Leboeuf – was summarily dismissed by Chelsea after his wife gave birth to acting reprobate Shia. Even as an infant people could see what a twat he was.

Julio Baptista – twisted his testicles trying an overhead kick at the Arsenal training ground, missed 6 weeks.




*Turns out Ruel Fox said: Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!

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Daft Aider

Sylvinho suffered from a dislocated second nationality a few years back


Also CHICO FLORES will miss 5 weeks after fracturing his Pony Tail

Merlin's Panini

Barry Venison got shot by a hunter and partially eaten, missing 3 months with a chewed rump.

Sipping Clicquot

Wonder, why none of the media folks highlighted this for the loss on Saturday,

Giroud was suffering from too much handsomeness
Koscielny’s full back pockets increased his weight, hence decreased his agility
Ozil struggled through La Liga withdrawal symptoms
Arteta’s hair gel had fever

In essence, we only had 7 fit players! You may decrease this number as per your whims and fancies.

Merlin's Panini

Paul Dickov once missed 4 weeks with a torn scrotum.


At least you know he won’t be spending his time, sitting on his arse!!! ouch


hoping for some great comments from the Arses

La Defense


La Defense

I’m sorry.


Leaving now…

Arsene's Wrinkles

Ribery’s arse is scared of the ARSEnal.

Szczesny's Flannel

To be Franck, that was an awful pun.


Or an awful.. bum?


And what prevented you from just writing “frank”?

Canadian Arsenal Fan

<————The Joke

Your head

(See, right over your head)


You don’t even deserve to grab your coat. Leave it here and take a hike!

Indonesian Gooner

He deserves it for being such an arse in general.


Ribery being out makes it Arsenal 1 Bayern 5 aggregate.

Lets not kid ourselves Bayern are more than just Ribery.


Doom merchant!

Daft Aider

Darren Anderton suffered from having an untweaked hamstring and a healthy knee during the 96/97 season forcing him to actually play for the Sp*ds in a few matches, Klinsmann later revealed Anderton was never the same afterwards


Well at least we’ll have one less Ugly Fucker to deal with.


Thats not Ribery. Hes too good looking.


Imagine rigging a vote on the sexiest player alive and having Ribery No.1 and Tevez No.2 and Luke Chadwick No.3

Is there an uglier player who should get the No.1 spot?


Phil Jones

Merlin's Panini

Joleon Lescott is like the English version.


shame because against our HFB he REALLY would have looked hideous

Pakistan Arsenal!

Everyone please pray that we beat united. I really can’t bear to see us losing to them. I will be tortured by many utd fans if that happens so let’s pray. It helps! Come on Arsenal, win this for the fans.


don’t worry, I just sacrificed two rabbits and sliced off the head off a white crow and lo and behold I see that RvP is kissing szczesny’s boots at the end of the season.

why is my name required

Rejoice! Fellow gooners not all is doom and gloom we have a real chance of knocking them out


I guess Ribery can’t be arsed to play the game


I consider it pretty tight to make fun of someone’s physical appearance after they were involved in a serious car accident at a young age; not sure how one can be in favour of getting rid of discrimination on the basis of the colour of somone’s skin on the one hand (most on here, thankfullly, seem to be in favour of kicking racism out of football) and then condone discrimination based on physical appearance on the other. Arsenal have more class than that, let our fans follow suit!


To be fair car accident or no the guy still wouldn’t be able to visit the countryside without running the gauntlet of angry pitchfork wielding mobs. Tevez too wouldn’t exactly have been an oil painting without scaring his mum into dropping the kettle. Some people just get spanked with the ug club, that’s life son. aint news to him and he fucks however many hookers and gold diggers that his frankenweener can tolerate so I’m sure the man don’t give a solitary flying one.

Super top quality

I saw the Ribery headline on sky sports news and almost choked on my food


Ribery got a bum rap with the ballon d’or…


Get yer Coat!

David Attenbrough

Errr…Bloggs..? They are totoises on Galapagos…huge fuckers. Not turtles…x

David Attenbrough

Even tortoises too…they keep the totoises company….


…and the toetearses, who are pissing themselves having gotten away with it.


I doubt just a little about your info on Waddle’s injurie : He’s never played to Monaco (But Marseille). It sounds more than possible thought.
Back in the day, The Police did not arrest him for criminal haircut and he easily transmitted it to the people living in the south of France and to his fans in the rest of the country. Yes, a massive medical issue.

Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0


Twisted Testicle! Hahahaha the simple ones are the best.

Julio Baptista's humble alter ego

I can confirm it was actually 7 weeks. and it actually hurt a hell of a lot thank you very much


Why has no one ever pointed out that Robben looks like Wallace of Wallace and Gromit fame?
It’s really starting to get to me.
I’m not easily wound up but for fuck sake open your bloody eyes.

Merlin's Panini

He does a little bit, yeah. He doesn’t quite pull it off with the eyes though. He needs to borrow those off Ed Milliband and he’ll be there.

Puma's technozip

I guess nerves got the better of him.


Dutch skunk nearly got killed by a football.


Doesn’t matter who plays. At the ems, we made Suarez and Sturridge look like league 1 strikers
Fastforward to Anfield ’14, Sterling becomes Ribery
Like Koscielny, we’re unstoppable when we’re on our game, but every once ina while, we have this peculiar tendency to implode in the most fantastical of ways

The Artist formerly known as DangerMouse

A fractured mullet, ha ha. A magnificent concept.

The Artist formerly known as DangerMouse

Alan Sunderland once had a dislocated moustache.


He clenched his butt hard striking a pose for the Ballon d’Or ceremony and he burst a blood vessel there.


Ah, its the high blood pressure…


Hey off topic,but did anybody hear ray parlor being interviewed on newstalk this morning. if not try track it down somewhere it was very good well worth a listen


Did the surgeon rip him a new one?


I think Ribery is having his bum transplanted onto his face to improve his looks. He took inspiration from Rooney having had his bum hair transplanted onto his balding head.

In Soviet Russia Wenga Sacks you

Can we please stop with the shitty puns?

Eboue's Tears

thumbs uo for your name. great stuff

Petit's Handbag

I once did the same pushing too hard taking a shit
That’s the only similarity I have ever had to a footballer


The Surgeon made a mistake he operated on his face no improvement there tho just couldnt work out his face from his arse…………. “UP THE ARSE”

Daft Aider

Abou Diaby fractured his tibula, fibula and duckula whilst signing a photograph for a fan


Off topic I know but my app has stopped working anyone having similar problem or know how to fix?


Worst football injury ever: The little boy in the head of ROBBEN Van Pursey’s head got smacked.


Worst football injury ever: The little boy in the head of ROBBEN Van Pursey’s got smacked.

Jap's Eye

He’ll have a matching scar in another cheek….


Poor form mate.


Positive news for us.

At least one flank will be slightly less lethal.


And slightly less appalling aswell.

Indian gooner

Talk about asstounding news.


Sounds like Dante had his way with him in the showers.

Chico Suave

That’s what happens when you sit on an underage prostitute’s face and she forgets to take her glasses off

King Arteta and the Knights of the Round Bottles

It is said by our king: “And lo, their pestilence and Bavarian greed shall no longer be tolerated. You shall go into their cities, plundering their storehouses, and trophy cabinets: you shall melt their silver prizes. You shall destroy their pitch and their army of 11 and make all bow to the name of Arsenal throughout the land.”


The ‘real’ bizarre injuries are just as entertaining. I remember when Wenger told a reporter that Jack Wilshere was out with an “inflamed bone.”

An “inflamed bone”??? I doubt it. Giroud hadn’t even signed at that point.


I can see the headlines now…

“Wayne Rooney out for rest of season with ruptured ego following brutal 32-0 defeat at The Grove”

“Following 32-0 loss, Dutch Skunk waterlogged by the tears of the little boy inside him. The crying is so relentless that drainage consultants are still at a loss as to how to deal with the sheer volume of water retained in Sobbing van Persie.”

I truly believe this will happen.
Shut up therewillbears, I’m not crazy!


Nice one. Reminds me of Klopp saying that Götze couldn’t play because he woke up in the morning, having a ‘hardening’.


Dick Law

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Dick Law

So those barbed-wired bat wielding hooligans attacked the Bayern changing room instead?………oh well

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