After the horrendous 3-1 defeat to Monaco in the Champions League last night, an Arsenal player has fulfilled their media duties by saying something.
Speaking to the press, and directing their words into a microphone while being filmed by a camera, the player attempted to say the right things despite the fact there’s no possible way of doing that after a performance and result that terrible.
“If you look at my face you can see I’d rather not be doing this at all,” they said, “but UEFA’s rules mean that somebody has to say something and it might as well be me.
“Let’s stand here for a couple of minutes while you ask me blindingly obvious questions, perhaps referencing how disappointing it all was – because we know you can’t just say ‘Well, that was a load of total shit, eh!’ – and I’ll agree that it was indeed disappointing because I can’t say ‘Well, that was a load of total shit, eh!’ either.”
Pressed on what the hopes were now for the second leg, the player tried to sound vaguely optimistic.
“I think we all know we’ve about as much chance of going through as Peter Dinklage has of reaching the biscuits on the top shelf but I’ll say something about how we’re just going to have to give it a good go.
“Nobody whatsoever will believe me. I don’t really believe it myself, but under the circumstances what else can I say?
“I realise people will be furious with anything that comes out of my mouth so I’ll be as bland as possible, using as many football related platitudes as I can.
“At the end of the day it is, literally, a game of four halves and we’ve got to give it 110% in the second leg. You never know in football.”
Fans, however, were apoplectic with rage, with @GoonStar_1985_bae taking to Twitter to say:
It’s believed that further things will be said by other players in the not too distant future.