Arsenal Player Profiles – 2016/17

Goalkeepers

Pros: Hugely experienced, now retired from international football so all his focus is on Arsenal. Has won pretty much everything. Great helmet.

Cons: His right-hand post from distance.

Former clubs: Chmel Blšany, Sparta Prague, Rennes, Chelsea

Little known fact: He is a keen DIY enthusiast, and back in the Czech Republic has released a home improvement DIY called ‘Cech your shelf before you wreck your shelf’.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Good shot stopper, experienced international, seems happy enough to play cup and Champions League. Solid back-up for Cech.

Cons: If there’s a line, he’ll stand behind it. Much to the annoyance of his wife when they’re in a supermarket and he gets into the busiest queue.

Former clubs: Atletico Nacional, Nice

Little known fact: In his home town of Medellín, there’s a cocktail bar named ‘Narcos’, whose most popular drink is the Ospina Colada.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Does not take a packet of Benson and Hedges into the showers. Is tall. Likes a loan move. Potential fan of Stuart Taylor.

Cons: Doesn’t really get to play much, needs a good run in the EFL Cup.

Former clubs: n/a

Little known fact: Changed his name from Damian to Emiliano and has just applied to change it by deed poll to ‘Macho Man Randy Savage Martinez’.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Defenders

Pros: Once played professional football, so if ever called upon again should know what to do.

Cons: Doesn’t seem to like it much at Arsenal. Nobody knows where he is.

Former clubs: Lille, Newcastle United, Bordeaux (loan)

Little known fact: Each one of his tattoos means something special to him, except the one of former child star Corey Haim which he got when he was drunk because he loved The Lost Boys but he got the wrong Corey and was gutted to wake up the next day and not see Feldman on his arm.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Is left-footed which is quite handy for a career as a left-back. Plenty of experience, good at helping shore up the left-hand side late on.

Cons: Career seems to have plateaued a bit, second choice behind Monreal.

Former clubs: n/a

Little known fact: He has a twin brother named Daryl, and another twin brother named Daryl.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Hugely respected, leader in the dressing room, excellent techno dancer, despite pushing on in years hasn’t really lost any pace.

Cons: Not getting any younger, a bit injured at the moment, contract situation precarious.

Former clubs: Hannover 96, Werder Bremen,

Little known fact: When Steven Spielberg was making the BFG he wanted the BFG to be the BFG but Arsenal had an away trip in the Champions League so he couldn’t do it.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: He is quick, aggressive, decent on the ball. Throws a good cricket ball.

Cons: Concentration lapses. Never seems to have fully settled, struggles with English/general communication.

Former clubs: Vitória, Villarreal,

Little known fact: Often referred to as Gabriel Paulista, the Paulista bit comes from the fact that he was the founder and long-time treasurer of Brazil’s largest Paula Abdul fan club.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: One of the best central defenders in Europe, will pop up with a crafty goal when needed, has pockets big enough to fit Diego Costa in.

Cons: Isn’t 25.

Former clubs: Guingamp, Tours, Lorient.

Little known fact: After saving an accordion factory in his hometown some years ago, Koscielny is now the world’s greatest musical instrument manufacturing philanthropist. Just last month he invested in a tuba workshop in Milton Keynes.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: A centre-half of some promise, still in the early stages of his career. His name is an anagram of Old Bighorn.

Cons: Still quite raw, has a lot to learn. His name is an anagram of I’d blog horn.

Former clubs: Bolton Wanderers

Little known fact: On his first visit to London he got completely lost and couldn’t find the stadium. Because he was still on the outskirts of Bolton.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Consistent, reliable, reliably consistent, and consistently reliable. Can kick an orange into a fridge.

Cons: Is always having Santi Cazorla around for supper. Wait, that’s not a con at all. That’d be ace.

Former clubs: Osasuna, Malaga

Little known fact: Nacho is both fluent in Greek and finds swearing abhorrent.  His exit from Malaga, which sounds like the Hellenic word ‘Malaka’ meaning ‘man who has jerked off so many times that his brain has become soft’, was therefore inevitable.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: 24 years of age, loves a sliding tackle, has settled into his new club very nicely after a £35m transfer. Could easily pass for a young Hank Scorpio. Don’t believe us? Check it out.

Cons: His first name took a while to remember how to spell.

Former clubs: Everton, Sampdoria, Valencia

Little known fact: Went to his last Halloween party dressed as Techno Viking.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: He’s cool, he’s fast, dresses like someone who is setting the trends for 3 years from now, loves it at the Arsenal.

Cons: Has some DNA which may make him attractive to massive, preening twats.

Former clubs: Barcelona

Little known fact: Despite repeated stories that he could beat the world’s fastest sprinters over 40 metres, he can’t because he’s not juiced up.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: 100% committed Gooner living the dream playing for the club he supports.

Cons: Injured, struggled last season at West Ham.

Former clubs: Charlton

Little known fact: While his father’s musical prowess is well known, few people realise that Carl himself is blessed with similar talent. During his recuperation from injury, he’s been writing songs with Taylor Swift and the first single from her upcoming album ‘Fanta Banta’, outlining his decision to stop drinking fizzy orange, is expected to drop any day.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Midfielders

Pros: On his day a remarkably effective part of the Arsenal attacking machine. Scores some brilliant goals.

Cons: It’s hard to know exactly where he fits into the side at the moment, persistent injuries don’t help in that regard.

Former clubs: Cardiff City.

Little known fact: One day he was out with his dog and it was ever such a nice day and he was walking with the dog in a field and he realised that it was slightly chilly and he wished he’d brought a jumper with him but after a while the walking warmed him up and by the time he got back to the car he didn’t need one at all so it all worked out ever so well.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Laser-guided passes and creativity add an extra dimension to this Arsenal side. Has a left foot that can open tins of beans.

Cons: Maybe doesn’t score enough goals.

Former clubs: Schalke 04, Werder Bremen, Real Madrid.

Little known fact: His monocular vision allows him to see things that other players can’t, much like a horse, but also give him ghastly glimpses into the other dimensions that lurk at the edges of our universe. Which is why he sometimes looks terrified.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Pace. Power. Physicality. He has it the qualities to be a top player. A witty compère for in-house video stuff.

Cons: He doesn’t always appear to know how to use those attributes. Lacks confidence at times.

Former clubs: Southampton

Little known fact: He is the third Arsenal player to have two Xs in his name after Xavier Cox (1931-37) and former Danish international Jaxx Marmaduke (1991-93).

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Has two feet. Like most players, but unlike most players can use them to kick a football with. Relentlessly happy, very rarely gives the ball away.

Cons: Perhaps not as much end product as there should be from a player of his quality.

Former clubs: Osasuna, Villarreal, Malaga

Little known fact: Is a master of impressions. His Michael Caine has the players in stitches. ‘My name is blow the bloody doors off, no?! haha!’

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: An imposing physical midfielder player with a left-foot like a traction engine, destined for great things if he keeps working hard.

Cons: At previous clubs has picked up a few too many red cards. So far so good though …

Former clubs: FC Basel, Borussia Mönchengladbach.

Little known fact: His bother Taulent plays football for Albania, the country of their parents birth, but his sister is an international netball player for Luxembourg and nobody knows why.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Is The Jeff.

Cons: There is only one of him.

Former clubs: Lens

Little known fact: There is nothing that is unknown about The Jeff. He was, is, and always will be The Jeff.

Favourite film: 22 Jump Street

Pros: Tenacious, combative, intercepty, tackly midfielder who adds some bite to the team.

Cons: Doesn’t score 40 yard thunderbolts or thread passes through the eye of a needle. Picks up too many first half yellow cards.

Former clubs: n/a

Little known fact: During his loan spell at Freiburg he got involved in a local theatre group and played ‘Robert Paulson’ in a production of Fight Club. He made his own fake moobs from half-inflated balloons.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: A really consistent midfield presence, keeps the game moving well, always available for a pass and has rarely played poorly.

Cons: Spending too much time on the bench due to midfield depth.

Former clubs: FC Basel, El Mokawloon

Little known fact: Basel supporters were so in favour of Elneny committing his future to the club that they once persuaded the White House to tweet ‘4 Mo Years’ alongside a picture of Obama hugging the midfielder. He promptly moved to Arsenal because it was creepy.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Forwards

Pros: Non-stop relentless effort and energy from a player who just wants to win all the time. Growing into a role at centre-forward. Loves dogs.

Cons: Still insists on sprinting to training from his house every morning. 20 miles from the training ground.

Former clubs: Cobreloa, River Plate, Colo-Colo, Udinese, Barcelona,

Little known fact: Has cloned the DNA of Atom and Humber so he can re-pupper them when the time comes. Has also fused his DNA with that of Atom and Humber so he can experience being a dog.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Deportivo’s star man last season might be a bit of a late bloomer, but adds pace and power to the forward line.

Cons: Perhaps not the first on our list last summer in terms of striker recruitment.

Former clubs: Rayo Vallecano, Karpaty Lviv, Dynamo Kiev (loan), PAOK, Deportiva la Coruña

Little known fact: Everyone knows his dad owns an octopus stall in Camden Market, but his brother Enrique is a busker often found at Cockfosters doing Then Jericho cover versions.

Favourite film: Cadena Perpetua

Pros: 20 goal a season striker, sweet left foot, good in the air, on his day a real threat.

Cons: Too many other days that aren’t on his day. Beard is becoming worryingly Rasputin-like.

Former clubs: Grenoble, Tours, Montpellier.

Little known fact: Is so ripped and handsome that even his penis has a six-pack and a chiselled jaw.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Very fast, and now appears to be trying very hard which is resulting in good form.

Cons: Somewhat brittle, it remains to be seen how long he’ll try very hard for.

Former clubs: Southampton

Little known fact: Theo has been taking his literary career so seriously that he’s forced injury and poor form on himself just so he can experience at first hand the feeling of resurrection to make his character TJ’s ‘hero journey’ even more realistic in his books. His publicist warned him off the chapter about crack addiction.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: A hugely exciting young talent who shows pace, power and creativity. Now a fixture in the first team having made his breakthrough last season.

Cons: At This Point We Can’t Really Think Of Any Although We’re Sure There Must Be One Or Two ??????

Former clubs: n/a

Little known fact: Despite spreading the rumour, Alex isn’t actually the nephew of legendary Nigerian international Jay Jay Okocha. He is though Carlton Palmer’s second cousin twice removed.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: Is alive. We think.

Cons: Injuries have hampered his development. Will be 24 in January so no kid. His chance is probably gone at this stage.

Former clubs: Auxerre

Little known fact: Once came on in an FA Cup final and contributed to Arsenal’s first trophy win in 9 years.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: He’s got the pace and power to make a real difference in that forward line, links up well with Iwobi and gives us something different up front.

Cons: Two serious injuries during his time at the club have robbed him and us of too many months.

Former clubs: Manchester United.

Little known fact: While out injured last year, Danny undertook A-Levels in both English language and literature, achieving creditable B grades in both. He’s since asked his teammates to refer to him, both in person and writing, as the grammatically correct ‘That Guy’.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption

Pros: A promising young striker, willing to work hard and play wherever he’s asked.

Cons: Has a lot in front of him to get any significant playing time. A loan move is probably needed.

Former clubs: n/a

Little known fact: Chuba genuinely believes that Carl Jenkinson’s dad sang the ‘Turn around’ backing vocal on Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.

Favourite film: The Shawshank Redemption