This morning Arsenal launched their new kits to great fanfare at Kings Cross Station.
Amazingly the home shirt is red with white sleeves. There are also shorts designed specifically with holes through which players can put their legs and cover their bums, and some socks for their feet.
Once more the kit was manufactured by Puma, who really wanted to get in on the concept of ‘The Arsenal’.
That’s understandable, Arsenal are unique in that they’re only club to have ‘The’ in front of their name, even if it is colloquial. However, their attempts to harness this have, it’s fair to say, fallen a bit flat.
No jokes, no Arseblog News messing around, this is what was in their press release:
We are THE legendary white sleeves.
We are THE ones who always pick the cannon when we are playing Monopoly.
We are THE ones who know the real ‘Dennis the menace’. He’s not a cartoon, he’s a genius.
We are THE ones who call our uncle Arsène even if his name is John.
We are THE ‘Invincibles’ even when we are playing against mates on a Sunday.
We are THE ones who since 1919 have never known the second division.
We are THE 228 times Thierry Henry found the back of the net.
We are THE ones that are never wrong but always Wright.
We are THE ones riding our motorbikes with Petr Cech’s helmet.
We are THE 13 time winners.
Since 1886…
WE ARE THE ARSENAL
Erm, what?! Petr Cech’s helmet? Uncle Arsene? If this is what made the cut, imagine what the creatives sitting around the creatives table didn’t think was good enough. You’d shudder to think.
Anyway, we’ve got a few of our own we feel represent this great club of ours a bit better.
We are THE pints drunk in every Tuesday Club between 1983-1996
We are THE Atom and THE Humber
We are THE body hair that Anders Limpar shaved off much to the horror of Paul Merson
We are THE Paul Davis punch on Glenn Cockerill
We are THE pizza that Cesc Fabregas threw at Alex Ferguson
We are THE porno mags smuggled by Peter Storey
We are THE punch that Aaron Ramsey floored Robin van Persie with
We are THE Peter Hill-Wood cigar at Anfield that was ‘Never in doubt’
We are THE spit in Neil Ruddock’s face
We are THE Lauren tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo
We are THE Pascal Cygan is an Invincible
We are THE bung that confined Sp*rs to lower league football
We are THE brown envelope that sealed Pal Lydersen’s signing
Since 1886…
WE ARE THE ARSENAL
Feel free to add your own in the comments below.
I am THE guy who’s going to buy a Rambo8 shirt after finding out he dropped some Irrelevant Dutch bloke with one punch.
Me too! I always thought it was Theo who did that. Not sure why..
Hahaha Theo having a go at Van Persie… I would pay to see how hilariously awkward that would be… and then jump in to help him out.
Ramsey punched van Persie? Details please blogs…. Please please
I’ll second that … never heard this story before!
We are THE ringing John Terry still hears in his ears after being left flat on his arse by Ljungberg
Reading shit like this makes me thank Dennis for the fact I no longer work for a marketing agency. What nonsense.
As we all know, 50% of all marketing spend is wasted. It’s just that nobody can work out which 50%.
Catering to the angry 50 year olds with the THE nonsense.
We are THE ones that have too much time to waste at work.
We are THE masters of embarrassing PR waffle
We are THE Martin Keown who jumped all over van Nistelrooy
Pires and the queens saying we are THE kings and queens of the FA cup is the only one I liked…
“We are the ones who (since 1919) have never known the second division”
That’s cringe worthy, dear god.
We are the ones who (since 23:10 yesterday) have never smoked a cigarette
why though? Are you fasting as well? Can’t wait to smoke after a long days fast
We are THE former club of Igors Stepanovs
We are THE record run of four consecutive nil-nil league draws that is jointly held by George Graham and Arsene Wenger, and George Graham at Spurs.
We are THE standing on the North Bank hoping we can go the whole match without needing a piss.
and more importantly hoping the chap behind us doesn’t need a piss either.
We are THE producers of Bendtner and Sanogo
Much, much better, Blogs. A career around a creatives table must surely beckon.
Bellerin’s tummy is not flat, he is a bit fat 😀
Wait, Ramsey punched RVP? How the fuck have I never heard that story?!
We are THE hands that shoved Jose off his heels
We are the 7th Goal at Reading.
We are the cameraman that missed Cesc’s Goal straight from the restart against Spuds.
We are Andrei Arshavins Goal celebrations.
We are that Kieran Gibbs deflection that lost against a poor Utd.
We are:
Charlie Nicholas ending Ian Rush’s run; Charlie’s jig after scoring against Spurs; letting a four goal lead slip at Newcastle; Bergkamp’s goal of the month 1-2-3 at Leicester and we still didn’t win; Brady at WHL; Keown vs Van Nistelrooy.
We are THE only true fans of football
Did Aaron Ramsey floor RvP? I’ve never hear that story
We are THE Abou Diaby kicking John Terry unconscious
We are THE cooks who chuckle when they make lasagna
We are THE club who qualified for champions league with Denilson and Squillaci in the team
We are “THE” Totnum haters…
We are THE psuedo heros that london deserves, and most definitely the heros they need now. we are… THE dark knights
I cringed myself, but I’m posting anyways
I like that you fully committed to your comment and sent it anyway 🙂
I am THE one that thumbed you up.
We are THE Szczezny that clotheslines Gareth Bale
We are THE lasagne that gets 4th place
We are THE pride of North London
We are THE 49
We are THE Arsenal
Damn that actually brought a tear to my eye!
Oh sod off! You piss taking puss. Why get emotional about old shit
Been wanting to sound like an A-hole, BS troll. Hope I got it right
We are THE ones who made John Terry fall on his face
We are THE unfeasibly large penis that hit Nicolas Anelka in the face in the dressing room.
What THE fuck?!?
We are THE lion Keown as Van Nistelrooy pisses his boots.
Did they let the intern come up with this copy? The only other reason I can think of is that the writer of that guff was German and has a quirky sense of humour. “Ha, Old Uncle Arsene, zey will luf zis. Haha.”
THE Arsenal vs The Chelsea. What a game it’s going to be
https://soundcloud.com/arseblog/sol-campbells-fa-cup-tune
We are THE FA Cup.
We are THE ones who call our neighbours shit even though their name is.. well they are shit. Didn’t think this through..
How utterly laughable… As a communications professional I’m embarrased but have one to add…
We are THE holders of the 4the place trophy… Oh wait, that sent to someone else this year lol
We are THE suitcase selected by David Hillier
We are THE one minute warning from McMahon
We are THE money (literally) made by Peter Storey
We are THE cross from Graham Rix
We are THE Petit cash for a cab loaned by Spuds
We are THE linesman who called Leeds offside
We are THE guaranteed online award winners
We are THE unfeasibly large gloves worn by Jens
We are THE champions away end at Old Trafford
And Shite Hart Lane
We are THE docked points but we still win THE league
Upvoted for Petit’s cab alone.
We are THE Grimandi tackle on Edgar Davids
We are THE Diaby boot in John Terry’s face
Best so far mate!
We are THE zipper on that jacket.
We are the Coq floating mid air to block some cunt’s shot
Without wishing to upset the humour of the page, just a history note for newer fans: originally we were going to be called “The Arsenal” but Henry Norris decided that, by dropping The, we would be the first named of all League teams.
For this reason alone, I hate that clubs have gone bankrupt only to reappear as “AFC nobodies”. Shame on anyone who lists alphabetically using that prefix!
We are THE banners flying over the stadium twice per game.
We are THE World, we are THE people
fuck me, i can’t even get the lyrics right!
We are THE Invincibles
Does anyone know who the other people are in the poster? It’s driving me mad.
This is…just bad. Like WTF? bad. C’mon, Puma!
I canNOT stop THE laughing! ?
Puma guys totally lost it. They forgot the most simplest thing about us.
We are THE JEFF!
I really like Blogs’ “We are THE Atom and THE Humber”, though.
We weren’t even THE Arsenal until 1914.