This morning Arsenal launched their new kits to great fanfare at Kings Cross Station.
Amazingly the home shirt is red with white sleeves. There are also shorts designed specifically with holes through which players can put their legs and cover their bums, and some socks for their feet.
Once more the kit was manufactured by Puma, who really wanted to get in on the concept of ‘The Arsenal’.
That’s understandable, Arsenal are unique in that they’re only club to have ‘The’ in front of their name, even if it is colloquial. However, their attempts to harness this have, it’s fair to say, fallen a bit flat.
No jokes, no Arseblog News messing around, this is what was in their press release:
We are THE legendary white sleeves.
We are THE ones who always pick the cannon when we are playing Monopoly.
We are THE ones who know the real ‘Dennis the menace’. He’s not a cartoon, he’s a genius.
We are THE ones who call our uncle Arsène even if his name is John.
We are THE ‘Invincibles’ even when we are playing against mates on a Sunday.
We are THE ones who since 1919 have never known the second division.
We are THE 228 times Thierry Henry found the back of the net.
We are THE ones that are never wrong but always Wright.
We are THE ones riding our motorbikes with Petr Cech’s helmet.
We are THE 13 time winners.
WE ARE THE ARSENAL
Erm, what?! Petr Cech’s helmet? Uncle Arsene? If this is what made the cut, imagine what the creatives sitting around the creatives table didn’t think was good enough. You’d shudder to think.
Anyway, we’ve got a few of our own we feel represent this great club of ours a bit better.
We are THE pints drunk in every Tuesday Club between 1983-1996
We are THE Atom and THE Humber
We are THE body hair that Anders Limpar shaved off much to the horror of Paul Merson
We are THE Paul Davis punch on Glenn Cockerill
We are THE pizza that Cesc Fabregas threw at Alex Ferguson
We are THE porno mags smuggled by Peter Storey
We are THE punch that Aaron Ramsey floored Robin van Persie with
We are THE Peter Hill-Wood cigar at Anfield that was ‘Never in doubt’
We are THE spit in Neil Ruddock’s face
We are THE Lauren tackle on Cristiano Ronaldo
We are THE Pascal Cygan is an Invincible
We are THE bung that confined Sp*rs to lower league football
We are THE brown envelope that sealed Pal Lydersen’s signing
WE ARE THE ARSENAL
Feel free to add your own in the comments below.