Column: The first billion pound transfer is only years away

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Graham Dougan was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two. He was also a Scottish U25 international. He is a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute.

He’ll write a column exclusively for the site and we hope you’ll enjoy his keen insight. This week he looks at the transfer market, which has exploded this summer.

Like most people in the world of football, I was astonished when PSG broke the world transfer record by signing Neymar from Barcelona.

A fee of over €220m is very difficult to get your head around, although it’s easy to understand why the talented Brazilian has agreed to move from one of the top clubs in the world to a lower league like the French division one, or division ‘un’ as they might call it. It’s clear that money talks, and the Paris money which is actually money from Catarrh in the middle-east, must be shouting very loudly.

“GET ME IN YOUR POCKET, NEYMARK!”, it’s bellowing as it’s placed in front of him in the form of gold bullion that probably wouldn’t fit in his pocket anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a fine player, and like so many of the greats such as Lineker, Rooney, Adebayor and Cesc, he’s known only by his surname. That’s great for branding and great for fans too because they don’t have to pay for extra letters when they get his name on the back of their shirts.

In general however the transfer market itself has gone crazy. If I was astonished by Neymar’s move to Paris, I nearly boiled my own balls in an eggcup when I saw that Manchester City had paid £50m for Kyle Walker.

It’s a great piece of business for Spurs, but I thought Pip Guardiola was supposed to be some kind of football genius, like Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rainman. The former Cataloon international has definitely been counting the wrong cards because back in my day you didn’t become the most expensive defender in the world if the only thing you could do is run very fast while looking like you can’t even remember your own name.

How are we supposed to make any sense of it all when Swansea turn down £45 for Gilby Siginsson? By that reckoning, even at my age, I’m probably worth around £1,000,000 – and you can be sure my wife would accept that if anybody made a bid. Well, she would if we were still married and she hadn’t run off with my neighbour Clive. Not that I’m bitter but if I ever see him again I’m going to two-foot him, even if it’s in Sainsbury’s and there are witnesses.

The whole thing sets a dangerous president because there’s only one way prices are going to go, and that’s up. PSG have won pre-season by spending more than anyone else and that’s what fans love these days. There’s no such thing as team building any more, it’s all about how much cash you can splash.

I predict that within five years we’ll have the first billion pound footballer. Think about that! That’s a thousand million Trevor Francis’s and when he became the first million pound player back in the 70s we all thought the world had gone mad.

In some ways that’s why seeing Arsenal’s new free signing do so well gives me some hope. They didn’t pay a huge amount of money for Sead Koalasnatch, he was free! That’s a bargain for sure, and it shows there’s still value for money in the market if you look hard enough.

I enjoyed his performance in the Communist Shield at Wembley on Sunday. It’s great to see a powerhouse running with the ball like that. I can tell you if I saw a player like Korasnilac steaming towards me I’d bottle it like John Terry taking a penalty to win the Champions League.

No doubt there’ll be more transfer madness before the window closes at the end of August and even if we are critical of it at times, we have to be be honest and admit it is one of the greatest things about football.

Wealthy individuals and institutions buying human beings from one another is not just sport, but civilisation, at its finest.

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heihaci
heihaci

who really writes this?

Le Jim
Le Jim

Graham Dougan does. He was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two. He was also a Scottish U25 international. He is a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute.

Skywalker
Skywalker

Graham Dougan of course!

keneh
keneh

Graham Dougan, who was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two, a Scottish U25 international, a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute wrote it.

karl groom
karl groom

I think it’s O’Reilly the Fawlty Towers builder, judging by the picture:-)

Baby Jesus Ramsey
Baby Jesus Ramsey

This has to be one of the best football columns I’ve ever read. Good work arseblog, good work indeed.

Highbury
Highbury

Lost it at ‘Communist Shield’. Brilliant.

Non Flying dutchman
Non Flying dutchman

You made it past Koalasnatch before that without losing it? Well Done

Cliff Bastin
Cliff Bastin

What the hell did I just read

Bushygooner
Bushygooner

He has a rather unique writing style or badly needs a copywriter. I reckon it’s the former.

Gunnya
Gunnya

Koalasnatch is right

Possession
Possession

You’re bonkers Blogs but fucking hilarious.

ClockEndRider
ClockEndRider

“the greats such as Lineker, Rooney, Adebayor and Cesc”. Of course the greatest of them all was simply an acronym – TGSTEL.Come on Graham, pick up your game. You were always better than that…..

Burn Baby Burn
Burn Baby Burn

You left out the best bit where he says like them Neymar is “known only by his surname”.

George
George

And Cesc. 😉

Burn Baby Burn
Burn Baby Burn

Exactly!

Original Paul
Original Paul

I thought he was going to say “my wife ran off with my next door neighbour, I do miss him” 🙂

Andy
Andy

Top drawer journalism, this…

By that reckoning, even at my age, I’m probably worth around £1,000,000 – and you can be sure my wife would accept that if anybody made a bid. Well, she would if we were still married and she hadn’t run off with my neighbour Clive. Not that I’m bitter but if I ever see him again I’m going to two-foot him, even if it’s in Sainsbury’s and there are witnesses.

Soldierant
Soldierant

This made me smile. More of this column from Dougan once in a while

Hi-brid
Hi-brid

At last, some straight talking sense on crazy Planet Football.

Don
Don

it’s easy to understand why the talented Brazilian has agreed to move from one of the top clubs in the world to a lower league like the French division one, or division ‘un’ as they might call it. It’s clear that money talks, and the Paris money which is actually money from Catarrh in the middle-east, must be shouting very loudly.
It’s interesting that when Arsenal signed Alexis and Özil from two of the largest clubs in Europe in Barcelona and Madrid the moves were considered ambitious on the part of Arsenal instead of a step down in quality and a lack of ambition by the players, or that they were chasing the money.
Whilst obviously financial reasons played a significant role in the Neymar transfer, it’s a bit naive on the part of Arsenal fans or other supporters to express shock and derision at his decision to leave Barcelona for PSG, when the difference in quality of those two sides is a lot less than it was for the Alexis and Özil transfers.
While the fee is remarkably high, the greater point being presented by many is that Neymar should’ve stayed at Barcelona and that by moving to France he is taking a big step down and essentially taking the easy route. Seems to me that if we are to criticize him for this, we can’t honestly expect the likes of Mbappe to be credibly linked with a move to Arsenal unless we recognize that in essence he would be doing the same thing.
Seems different standards and rhetoric apply to clubs who conduct the same activities.

vino
vino

If we signed M’Bapper for that sort of fee it would be the most dangerous president of all time being set.

Martin
Martin

Donald Trump is a more dangerous president.

A different George
A different George

Damn. I was going to post that we already have a dangerous president.

sahil
sahil

lol

A different George
A different George

I don’t mean to be unkind, but “whoosh.”

Arsened

What was that? I rarely comment, and never to criticise, but that was the first time I don’t enjoy reading something on Arseblog, and I have been reading every day, practically every article, since 5 years or so. Hope this could is kept for the premium version 😉

Arsened

*column

not so fed up
not so fed up

Agreed

gooner
gooner

Seriously Blogs where did you pick this guy? Brilliant signing.

Also Pip managing man city? I finally understand where all that money comes from. Abel Magwich is hiding in the UAE

TexasGooner6
TexasGooner6

When he turns 33 lets sell Reiss Nelson to PSG for 1 billion pounds.

Original Paul
Original Paul

” like Lineker, Rooney, Adebayor and Cesc, he’s known only by his surname.”
had me in stitches! 🙂

AlanF
AlanF

A man of many talents. He also appeared in an episode of Fawlty Towers playing an incompetent Irish builder.

LeGoony
LeGoony

This was a cracking article! It’s has cheered me greatly on a dreary commute home. More of Mr Doogwan please!

Espen
Espen

Finally I’m able to pronounce Seads lastname correctly – Koalasnatch. Thank you Graham.

Original Paul
Original Paul

Shall we call him “Snatch” to make things easier? Or just “Beast”!?

DublinGooner
DublinGooner

Koalasnatch

a) The film of the kidnapping of an Australian Marsupial
b) An Arsenal Tank
c) An amateur Aussieporn film, featuring cute bear beastiality

Gunnya
Gunnya

Aussie remake of the guy Ritchie film

Cultured Determination
Cultured Determination

yup. billion dollar bid for reis nelson in 2 years’ time.

A different George
A different George

We’ve got Dou-gan. Graham Dou-gan. I just don’t think you understand. He’s Arsene Wenger’s man. He’s better than Zidane.

PeteyB
PeteyB

Hearing that from the terraces would lead to a very satisfying amount of confusion.

Dr Zebra
Dr Zebra

Brilliant! More please!

AnonymousGun
AnonymousGun

Sold on Koalasnatch XD

SwissArse

Great writing, love it.?

SwissArse

Graham Dougan is way out of it. 1 Billion only gets you a thousand Trevor Francis. That’s not much, is it?