Monday, July 15, 2024

The Unai Emery revolution: how the Spaniard has changed Arsenal

Arsenal currently sit in the top four after six successive Premier League wins. It’s a fantastic turnaround after a difficult start to life at the club for new boss Unai Emery.

Now he’s won a few games though, everything looks brighter and we can reveal that this good run is driven by the significant changes the the Spaniard has put in place since his arrival in May.

Here’s a look behind the scenes and what he’s done and how he’s doing it. It’s a quiet revolution.

‘Viva la revolución’, as he might say himself if he were speaking in Spanish, or ‘Good afternoon. The revolution is one process for us’, if he were using his increasingly improved English.


The training sessions are far more intense since Emery took over. He’s changed the times, often bringing in players in the afternoon, as well as training at the Emirates Stadium the day before games, not to mention a surprise midnight training excursion which involved team building and bonding exercises.

The free kick mannequins are 6 inches higher than the old ones, forcing greater precision from set-piece takers, and he insists on using players first names when addressing them rather than their nicknames as he feels this shows respect.

One player was given a dressing down when he was overheard called the new boss ‘One eye’ during the summer tour to Singapore, and Emery has asked that the players call him ‘Chief’ as he feels many of them can’t pronounce the Spanish for ‘gaffer’ – which is ‘jefe’ – correctly.

All men are created equal

The former Sevilla, Valencia and PSG boss is keen to ensure that he cultivates a competitive environment, and nobody is given any special treatment. Mesut Ozil has been used in far flung Europa League games, something which didn’t happen before, and he’s no respecter of reputations when it comes to substitutes.

Big names like Aaron Ramsey, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, and Granit Xhaka have all been hauled off by the 46 year old as he attempts to change the complexion of a match, while the inclusion of Matteo Guendouzi early in the campaign was an indication that he’s willing to give youth its head.

Tactical flexibility

The Spaniard has used different formations, trusting that his players will understand the difference between them as many of them play Championship Manager 01-02. He’s even paid attention to what the opposition do which sets him apart from the previous regime.

Arsene Wenger, his predecessor, was famously so focused on getting his team to play his way that sometimes he didn’t even know who they were playing until he came out of the tunnel and saw the opposition manager.

‘Oh no, not Tony Pulis!’ he exclaimed one day, according to an ex-players autobiography written by a journalist, and players felt that at times they could have done with more specific instructions with regards particular opposition.

That’s all changed under Emery and he has a fixture list in his filofax, and he makes a point of telling the team who they’re playing in the build-up to each game.

No juice for you

In a bid to ensure his players don’t get crazy with sugar, and to downplay their chances of getting type 4 diabetes, Emery has banned fruit juices from the training ground. In time this will be seen as a move as forward thinking as when Wenger banned fish, chips and sixteen pints on a Tuesday afternoon.

Having brought both a dietician and a hydrologist with him as part of his backroom staff, he’s also insisted on the players taking supplements and the Gunners are the first team in the world to give their players powdered water.

Up to 10 sachets are consumed each day by each player, mixed with tap water they become reconstituted beverages packed full of electrolytes, fluidilium and vitaminerals – a recently discovered hybrid or vitamins and minerals which can prolong endurance by up to 0.45% over the course of a game, a marginal gain that could be the difference between success and failure in an ever more competitive Premier League.

A fine mess

In an increasingly cashless society Emery has insisted that all fines be paid electronically from now on. Gone are the days of Per Mertesacker shaking an actual jar full of small change and in has come a number of contactless payment scanners. These have been stationed not just in the dressing rooms, but also in the dugouts at the Emirates and on assorted trees near the training pitches.

Given the youthful nature of the squad and the fact everyone has a smart phone, they can use Apple Pay or Android Pay, with the technology team going so far as to add Blackberry support for veteran Petr Cech.

Your health is your wealth

Ahead of Arsenal’s new kit deal with Adidas, the club have a huge range of Puma training kit to utilise before it is contractually destroyed in July 2019. With the blessing of the medical team who are increasingly worried about the transfer of germs, all training gear is to be worn once before being auctioned off for charity.

The club have also decided this will save the cost of hiring a replacement for Vic Akers and cut down on the amount of water consumed by the washing machines at London Colney. The downside has been an increase in chafe-related injuries but new managing director Vinai Venkatesham is confident the club can now proactively source a lotion or cream partner to help with the skin problems.

So, a lot going on, and if it keeps up Arsenal are sure to finish in the Premier League this season somewhere in the table.

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Hahahahahaha, this is why I love arseblog.

Been seeing these articles everywhere.


The moon ran this same article last night ?, fucking journalists they stole it from Blogs dream. What if Emery actually reads arseblog out loud to the players to prepare them for games, I still wonder.



Danger Mouse

He he. I love those articles where you’re not quite sure if it’s a genuine article or just arseblog taking the piss.


Just testing for plagiarism


Serioiusly. I had an inkling, but I’m not at all ashamed to say it took until “Championship Manager” for me to be sure…


Well I’m not ashamed to say that it took me until “oh no it’s Tony Pulis..” The comedic genius is that up until the previous paragraph it was entirely fascinating and factual.


hehehe.. also realised at that Tony Pulis. and i had invested so much concentration into it. Good article arseblog.. love these


Why would you use powdered water instead of just normal water? Sounds like he’s trying to be too smart if you ask me

The Far Post

Powdered water saves space. When one needs a drink, just add water to the mix, and presto! 😉


Yeah but once it’s mixed with water the powder is very hydrating.


Oh boy..

A Different George

Being too smart is not something you will be accused of.

Oleg luzhny

Because it has got electrolytes


If anyone found the reference from Idiocracy, I salute you big time!

Sir Henry Norris' Brown Envelope

I invented powdered water when I was about eleven. Just add water and voila! A glass of water.
I wonder if Bloggs’ compatriot Spike Milligan was a Gooner? He inspired that sort of (very) lateral thinking.



Gudang Bedil

Is this the real life?


Is this just fantasy ?


Caught in a landslide


No escape from reality

Irrational Gunner

“But it’s six minute long!”


It’s the new ways of Emery


No more juice under Emery


Something something something mustafiiiiiiii


Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Lithuanian gooner

Easy come, easy go!


I love how water mixed with water becomes Super Water.


That’s the fluidilium doing its thing.


I prefer homeopathic dehydrated water. It’s similar but it get stronger the less water you add.


Class, to this day I will never know the context of these articles. Sod it, it’s funny!


Am I the only one who missed the “spoof” tag and assumed the whole thing to be true until I reached powdered water?


Was about to see if I could get me some powdered water on Amazon


I was ok with the whole stuff until I read the Petr Cech and Blackberry part.

Aussie Dave

I saw the ‘spoof’ tag but still wasn’t sure

Sir Henry Norris' Brown Envelope

The same substance they use in disposable nappies, very absorben….nappies plastic = very bad!


I would love for a little more mainstream site to run with the story of powdered water and cashless fines .. Not saying that it isn’t true by any means .. seems like a well researched story by Blogs

big naz

Haha this is nicely done.

Granada Gooner

In case anyone wants to know how ‘jefe’ (boss, manager) is pronounced, it’s a bit like the sound of F.A. – but the first syllable (the ‘j’) sounds like you are saying ‘hair’ but with gutteral/phlegmy sound. More lessons tomorrow at 11am sharp.


I wouldn’t become a teacher if I were you.

Granada Gooner

Ah, you’re still pronouncing it ‘Geoff’ aren’t you? See me after class.

Granada Gooner

Surely 100 lines:

“‘My name is jefe pronounced a bit like the sound of F.A. but the first syllable sounds like you are saying ‘hair’ but with gutteral sound”

“‘My name is jefe pronounced a bit like the sound of F.A. but the first syllable sounds like you are saying ‘hair’ but with gutteral sound”

“‘My name is jefe pronounced a bit like the sound of F.A. but the first syllable sounds like you are saying ‘hair’ but with gutteral sound”


Yankee Gooner

No, the Pixies song goes:

“It’s jefe with one F, jefe…
jefe with one F, jefe”


I heard Emery sneaks them into the opposition’s bathroom at night to mess it up thereby making their half time break miserable. The proof of the pudding is in the fucking pudding. I need to bath with some powdered water and liquid soap.


Lmfao!!!!…thought this was true until the second last paragraph..


Ffs I started reading this and was convinced it was real up until ‘jafa’ for gaffer bit.


” One eye” hahahah
Hilarious post


Funny to believe! Funny not to believe!


Come on Petr! It’s 2018!

Faisal Narrage

Felt like an Arseblog Black Mirror episode.


Thought this was an April Fool’s article, but it’s already October! Powdered water indeed…

Irrational Gunner

“Oh no, it’s Tony Pulis”. For some reason, I could almost see that happening.

A Different George

I like that one of the tags for this article is “arsenal powdered water.”


Such insight! You ought to do something on DTrump’s white house training “regime”

Perhaps he has quietly hired Silent Stan as a consultant since he won’t say much.

All you need is some people to reblog it…see how far the press there laps it up…you could be in good company with the Russians and Chinese accused of cyber influence on the election process there.


Aw come on you doubters……..there’s enough obvious truths in Blogses article to warrant it genuine, if maybe with a little “fun “ in there, to keep us on our toes. Brilliant article and thanks for your “go to” site for Arsenal news. Now , I know I’m wading in here to the realm of the Thumbersdowners, but here’s the situation at the “Top 6” clubs (Premier League), with regard to modern management styles. (In no particular order , so nobody gets precious reading this). Man City……….very modern. Totteringham………modern. Arsenal……..very modern. Chelsea………looks modern, but jury still out. Wolves………modern. Liverpool……..very modern. Fuck,… Read more »

Ben Constable

Didn’t clock the spoof in the tags, but I assumed it had to be once I got to “One Eye”! Brilliant stuff as ever.


Bloggs Im intrigued by the “surprise midinight training sessions”…are they by candlelight? Is that the element of surprise?


I’ve hugely been taken for a ride by this article. What if Wenger reads. He’ll blush times without number and will even sought to know who’s actually behind this small-fry write-up. He he he he hehe hehe…. Love ace-blog!


I was thinking a player calling him 1 eye and midnight team bonding was a bit strange, only at championship manager 01/02 did I start to realise that it might be satire…

Pradeep Kachhala

Took a while to realise this was a pi55 take !

Teryima Adi

Is this for real?! A fusion of satire, fable, realism and comedy. In Nigerian parlance, we’d say, “you no serious.” Lol

Paul Roberts

I’d already thought about removing fruit juice from my diet fs! 🙂


That part is true though, juice ban… But iwobi already said on arsenalplayer that “you can just drink it when your at home like”


Ooo, you are naughty… but I like you.


Haha, the interlull has it’s positives…


Lenos distribution should be noted


Banging up powdered water like polar bears arms


Had me hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, and copy of Fishermens’ Digest – right up until “type 4 diabetes”. Excellent piece of writing!


High points of the article–“Oh no, it’s Tony Pulls!” and Pete Cech’s Blackberry.

Jay Jay

I actually googled powdered water to see if I could have one of those sachets. Then realised this was Bamboozle Wednesday by blogs

the goob

Type 4 diabetes?

Mach to be you

Acme brand powdered water, nice one!


the players didn,t know who they were playing, what are they blind, stupid or both, how can you not know who you are playing


Whoosh 😉

Kos forehead

What hydrolgist do?


how much of this article is actually true? it would be nice to get a serious look at what things have changed since emery took over, but seeing as loads of things here are fake news . it makes it difficult to know what weird things are true or not


I love the fact he starts every interview with Good Afternoon even the post match ones.

Gary Tillyer

Look you lot, the idea is to “believe” the article and use appropriate comments in order for it to get plagiarized by lazy Journo’s and quoted in the red tops tomorrow. Followed by a re-print on the next day. Then ultimately turning up on Saturday morning as a hot topic on Sky to be confirmed by gunner insider “The Merse”, who no doubt preferred larger during training breaks and puts powdered water down as the main reason why Arsenal can’t keep a clean sheet!

Get with the program!


You funny bastard.


Random observation… Does anyone else think that Unai Emery looks like the love child of Andy Garcia (the actor) and Santi Cazorla?

Ugo Ignatius


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