Monday, July 22, 2024

Column: If the Arsenal players are on drugs, they seem to be working!

Graham Dougan was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two. He was also a Scottish U25 international. He is a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute.

He writes exclusively for the site and we sure you continue to enjoy his keen and unique insight into the game. This week he looks at a story which says Arsenal players were enjoying a party a bit too much.

When Britain’s most honest and trustworthy newspaper, The Sun, runs a story saying that Arsenal players were out partying before the start of the season, your first thought is to immediately accept it without question because of their long unblemished history of outstanding, truthful journalism.

They say that the likes of Pierre-Emerson Aubameyang, Mesut Ozil, Matteo Guendoobie and Sead Koalasnatch were at a nightclub drinking champagne, vodka and doing something called ‘hippy crack’. Back in my day you’d do everything you could to stay away from a hippy’s crack, unwashed vagabonds that they were, but the world is a very different place these days.

I’d also say that back in my day players in general didn’t go in for champagne and vodka. It was ok for the glamour boys like George Best or Ted Criffle, Altrincham’s playboy left-back, but the regular lads enjoyed a few pints of bitter and if we wanted something a bit stronger you might take half a goblet of scotch, but as I said we live in more sophisticated times.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: here’s the grizzled old pro to tell us how things were better back in his day, but despite the fact my playing days are long gone I’m not the old stick in the muff people expect. Just the other day I was playing Fortnite with my grandson and I absolutely battered him. Sadly, not in the game, I threw my arms up in dismay as I couldn’t understand what I was doing and gave him an uppercut that even Mike Tyson Fury couldn’t get up from.

Back to the story in the Sun though. The Arsenal lads, preparing for the new campaign, reportedly sucked nitrous-oxide from balloons. This is known as the hippy crack thing. But let’s examine this. It’s not real crack, because if it were the players would now be toothless and wanking off tramps under a bridge for their next fix: that’s how devastating and addictive it is.

It’s actually the same gas that dentists use before they do an extraction, so are we to believe that all dentists are drug dealers now? Will Netflix make a series called Dentos, based around the empire built by Carlos Escalabar, hiding tanks of gas in ceramics as he imports billions of pounds worth from the natural gas fields of Colombia and Galway? Of course they won’t.

Maybe we need to question why The Sun has published this story? Is it because their chief football reporter is a dick? Is it because the fat man that Louis van Gaal called a fat man is still smarting at being called a fat man even though he is a fat man? Is it because Arsenal are on a 20 game unbeaten run and this squad full of players from Europe is representative of a kind of inclusiveness than this newspaper hates? The fact is, it doesn’t matter, and they’re way off the point anyway.

As MOR crooner Richard Ashcock sang “The drugs don’t work”, but in this case perhaps the drugs are working for Arsenal, and that’s great. Yes, they might be high on life and natural remedies, but if this so-called hippy crack is giving them an extra 0.0000000000001% then where’s the harm? It’s not as if they went to a Christmas party dressed as Nazis or anything.

As it stands I’m fervently opposed to anti-doping in sports. I think it’s both wrong and incorrect. Think about it: penicillin was invented by accident. What if we, instead of hunting down and punishing the likes of Neil Armstrong, allowed everyone in the Tour de France to take gear. Not only would the cycling performances improve, so too would the drugs, as each tried to get the upper hand on the other.

In no time we’d have super drugs and super athletes, and you can be sure that along the way some of the side effects would be found to be beneficial. Sure, some riders would die along the way, but they’ve made their choice and they’ll just have to learn to live with it. But what if bombing up Mont Blanc on some synthetic jizz revealed that certain cells react at high altitude and can fight and kill cancer? We’re depriving ourselves of so much, and let’s also not pretend that footballers aren’t whizzed up to the eyeballs anyway.

Have you even stopped to look at the physiques of some of them, with their bulging muscles and shrunken testes? If that’s not a clear sign it’s already happening in the beautiful game, then how much more evidence do you need? A series of leaked reports published in a respectable German newspaper or something? Come on!

So rather than be upset that their players were filmed secretly having a good time, Arsenal fans should be delighted their players are already embracing the future. Who amongst us hasn’t inhaled or sucked on something that made us pass out? Let he or she who is without sin podcast the first stone, as the saying goes.

I for one applaud these Arsenal players, and I have to admit my previously unbreakable faith in the great journalistic institution that is The Sun is a little shaken this morning.

Until next time, your pal GD.

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Nice article. Spot on.


Love these Dougan pieces. Been reading him for years.


Me too and after all this time, it wasn’t until he questioned the journalistic integrity of The Sun that I realised he was taking the piss.

4EVa Torreira

Really find these articles to be pointless. Yes I understand the satirical nature of them but given the broad fan base and given humour varies across different cultures, seldom do I find these articles amusing and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I know it’s an attempt to diffuse what really is a non-story but all the same I fail to comprehend what makes this amusing.

Why can’t we just have a normal article to address what is a non-story instead of this woeful attempt to make it a non-issue.


Yeah i agree with you on humour differs in different cultures


Bah Humbug!!!


It’s a satirical take on a non-story, as you say. So you clearly understand that. What would be the point of writing an actual article about a “non-story” when as you rightly say it’s a “non-story”. Much better to just take the piss out of the absurdity of it all rather than give any potential credence to the cunty Sun and their cunty ways.

4EVa Torreira

I agree with you with respect to the Cunty Sun and their cunty ways. My gripe is that out of all the articles published on this site (of which many I enjoy) these Dougan articles don’t cut the mustard for me and whilst they may do for others, I personally find them pointless dare I say cringeworthy.


You don’t have to read them, or comment on them if you don’t like them 😉

Sounds like there’s plenty of other stuff you do enjoy, so why not just enjoy those and ignore the stuff that doesn’t do it for you?


I’m not here for the dougan satire. Not my cuppa, but I do smirk when I see a new article by him as I know his writing is well thought of by readers here.
Usually I’ll skim the article, skim the comments and then move on to the next new piece.

Keep them coming!


For goodness sake, it’s a piss take on something that so obviously deserves having the piss taken out of it. If you don’t like the humour, simply move on and read something else.


Sounds like someone needs some hippy crack

4EVa Torreira

No thanks, I’d rather pass but I suspect ‘Dougan’ was high on it when he wrote this article.

Fact remains Blogs is that for all the good work on this site I’m not a fan of this article and in no way am I suggesting you stop writing them. Next time I won’t click on the link.

I’m just as frustrated at this non-story being made ‘news’


Not one for name calling, but you are an absolute salad. @4Eva Torreira


I just choked laughing. Why the f*ck didn’t I think of ‘salad’?! Well played sir, well played.


I can’t believe you are insinuating that Blogs writes these articles, when it clearly says Graham Dougan at the top.


Nobody likes a stick in the muff.

The Limp Bar

What are you on about?


More like he’s taken some free shit, and is now complaining that it’s not given him the high he expected. Oh well, you just can’t please everyone.


I hope your namesake has a better sense of humour than you. Lighten up


Lighten up mate.. Have some hippy crack or something


I find everything about your comment and your name pointless. I’d say a lot more but I like coming here and I think even Blogs would have to ban me if I said half the shit that comes to mind. Miserable prick.


Hey calm it man, lad had his point ripped to shreds, answered by Bloggs himself and has said he will just skip them in the future.

Let’s not get at each other like a bunch of spurts


Oh come on, how could you not find that image of him undercutting his grandson funny?


Ok 4EVa, you don’t like these articles or the humour.
I love them. They’re funny. Just accept it and let it pass. The foreign card doesn’t work for me. I’m a norwegian living in Norway.
You’re comment reminds me of this statement: I don’t like this… so I’m gonna try to make sure that no one else get to enjoy it as well.


Put a couple of dirty socks in it mate


Judging by the handful of thumbs-up you garnered, I’d say there are 32 folks reading these pages who lack any detectable sense of humor.


The pictures don’t lie. As a former pothead I can’t criticise too much, but surely they are being a bit stupid with their health. Ozil’s hippy crack is obviously affecting his back … hope Emery gives them a right rollicking. I’m sure he will.

Nachos in Montreal

One of those comments where I can’t tell if serious or sarcastic, or is some kind of sarcasm-ception


Serious about health worries, not serious about Ozil’s ”hippy-cracked” back.
This kind of story is bit of a worry tho, not a good look but Emery will set them straight. Unlike you Canadian potheads? Great moniker by the way.

Northern Gooner

It would be serious if this was a weekly occurrence or they were going on a bender on a regular basis.

I’m not condoning it but this was at the start of the season and I suppose it’s one off thing.

Yes they are top athletes, who are paid handsomely but they are also young human beings who from time to time step over the line and make mistakes.

lets just see it for what it is, deal with it accordingly (preferably in private) and move on.

Never Happen

Ozil’s hippy crack is affecting his
back made me laugh out loud on
the train


Dangerous gear that nitrous oxide, over time it causes b12 deficiency and many problems including Neurological damage. Possibly why some of our teenagers are depressed.


It really isn’t. It’s a 30 second high and incredibly safe – administered as ‘gas and air’ for women giving birth and by dentists on quantities far far larger than a balloon. It is not an issue.


Neil Armstrong…..?
Excellent article


You either get the joke or not, pick one.


? ?. Aubama-chong?


As a Maltese reader of the Arseblog, I can say that this man is genuine and exists. His articles are very similar to the ones our local Football journalists write.

On Monday they published an article saying that since Arsenal lost 4-2 against Spurs over the weekend, it is the perfect opportunity for Manchester United to run out as winners on Wednesday.


I thought this is a cracking article


stick in the muff …


So the article that followed this one on my Facebook is asking me to become a shareholder in High Times magazine. Great, now I’m going to be bombarded with a bunch of hippy, weed related articles. Thanks Mr. Dougan!


Enjoyed this one. Its needed from time to time to have such articles. A part from striking a balance, it might also teach some Arsenal fans in here to take it easy.


Thouroughly enjoyable article.
I completely agree about legalising steroids, the only difference between a performance enhancing supplement and an illegal drug? is a classification, if its performance enhancing? Then it’s performance enhancing….


Is it just me who feels that Dougan has a face you’d dearly love to punch again & again without any remorse, until it bleeds?

David Kelly

Oh Emma!


Once again, Dougan speaks to a deeper truth. How many other journalists will dare to say “let’s also not pretend that footballers aren’t whizzed up to the eyeballs anyway.”


Superb article; to the point and hilarious.


I love these articles.Make a nice change from bickering about Ramsey.


Nitrous is no biggie. On the other hand its high is based on cutting oxygen to your brain thus killing a massive amount of brain cells.

Not that football players are required to be intellectuals or such, but… you know.



La Defense

Is Graham Dougan based on a true story?


based on a true story? he was an incredible player (for a jock) at youth level, playing alongside David O’Leary, Liam Brady, David Price and julian Clary. graham and Julian were an act, well known for their high jinks after the match and often double teaming unsuspecting players from the opposition to get a laugh. I don’t think they used nitrous oxide, I think amyl nitrate was the drug of choice back then. Julian moved on at 19, deciding a life with Fanny the wonder dog was preferable to working with Graham who was a tad selfish and would often… Read more »


It’s Lance Armstrong, Neil was the American that landed on the moon not the cyclist.


But you could say that Neil Armstrong was pretty high.

It's only Ray Parlour….

I must say that Graham is the spitting image of that famous actor David Kelly. Check it out here

Master Floda

I love Graham’s column, he should write more often! Call me childish, but “Sead Koalasnatch” made me laugh out loud and people on the train were giving me looks…


Pierre-Emerick Ayahuasca.


Mesut Ö.D. ?

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