The second in a series of fake tabloid headlines featuring puns on Arsenal player names – this time we’re including players from days gone by.
1 – Spank McLintock – former Arsenal skipper questioned over liaisons with dungeon mistress.
2 – John Divine – ex-Republic of Ireland full back to play overweight drag queen in new John Waters biopic.
3 – Charlie Gorge – doctors fear worst for 71 FA Cup hero after deep fried Mars bar addiction takes hold.
4 – Eddie Hop-good – full back learns to walk on one leg after left foot is eaten by wolves.
5 – Nelson Wee-vas – Argentine arrested for public urination on Buenos Aires street.
6 – Pal Lyderhosen – Norwegian Gunner strikes it big in Bavarian clothing market.
7 – Mannone Wire – Documentary follows Italian keeper’s attempts to walk a tightrope between skyscrapers.
8 – Wreh Charles and Eddie – Liberian striker gutted after discovering partner would indeed lie to him.
9 – Caravan Chamakh – Moroccan striker takes to living in mobile home after trauma of naked Pulis headbutt
10 – Pates Rates – Ex centre-back Colin joins forces with Andy Linighan to launch new budget plumbing service.
Yes, it’s a slow day.
Mannone wire? haha. slow day indeed
Blogs, start a rumour or something because this no-news situation we have going on is getting boring. You can even write that Mrs. Blogs is a Sp*rs fan; something sensational if you catch my drift
Haha classic!
Robin Man Pursey.
Robin spotted donning the unfashionable 80s convienence bag. Says he uses it to store his tears and the little boy inside him.
When did all this happen?
Can we have a go, or will it affect future editions?
Emanuel Pet-eat – Ravenous pony-tailed French midfielder consumes own dog, with cous cous accompaniment.
Jimmy Karter – ex-wing wizard opens UK’s largest karting track in Deptford.
Tuba Akpom – fresh faced striker joins London Philarmonic brass section, for tour of Japan.
John Loo-itch – ex Gunners goalkeeper contracts bad dose of VD from dirty toilet seat.
Niall Quim – Irish beanpole striker, turned Sunderland Chairman undergoes sex change op, and will now only answer to the name “Brenda”.
Time to recycle my efforts from last time then, while I think of some more:
Man-well Immunia
Former Arsenal goalkeeper discovers cures for terminal illness. He was good at something after all.
Alan’s Miffed : Heaven knows I’m miserable now
Former Arsenal striker still reeling over other striker called Alan Smith having existed.
Pull Dick-off
Former Arsenal midfielder and Oldham manager suffers horrific injury at home, alone.
Thierry On-me
Gunners legend foots the bill for expensive team meal
Campbell’s hoop.
Former Arsenal striker and soup making legend Kevin brings out long awaited own brand of spaghetti hoops.
Anders’s Limp Argh!
Former Arsenal midfielders bones fall out of his backside.
Samir Na$ri
Ca$hley Cole
No explanation needed
Lee dicks son
… sorry.
The ones in the comments have all matched the genius of Mannone Wire! 🙂
Assley Hole
It’s official: former Arsenal defender is stuck up his own arse.
Mannone Mission
Italian keeper to star in Spy thriller
Arsebleurg – organic pattern often found on horseshoe-shaped thrones after bombastic diarrhoea.
Isn’t that the French language translation of this site?
Phillipe Fender-gloss
Defender seeks compensation for damaged car
Arseblog Jews Hound – Dog owned by Arseblogger who reports before events happen with no rest except Hanukkah. Hated by Borat. Loved by Gooners. Envied by Spurs who show their love for him with racist chants every game.
Andrei Arse Shaven.
Zenit opt for futile attempts to shed weight for portley play maker.
(It hurt writing that, I loved that guy).
Robert Pyres – majestic soot-pocketed vagabond. Lovechild of Guy Fawkes. Knows the feel of blue touch paper from regular. Loves: Apples. Dining. Fencing. Burgundy. Hates: Cold. Lilywhite. Cocks.
Sebastian Squeal-aci
French defender charged over noise disturbance
Neigh Parlour – tousle haired combative midfielder opens his first horse grooming salon.
Camper Van Persie. Robin parks outside Fergie’s house and refuses to leave til he comes back and rescues him from the Molyes hell…
Complete
Utter
Numpty
Twat
Nasri speaks.
Sulk Amble
EXCLUSIVE: Former Arsenal defender walks about aimlessly in a bit of a strop.
Djourou know what I mean?
Arsenal defender starts up Oasis covers band in Germany whilst out on loan.
Best one so far.
My favourite from the previous headlines
Hector Bell-End-Ring:
Arsenal youngster gets a “prince Albert”
(Yes, it was one of mine)
I know its a slow day because I’ve just noticed that there is not one single thumb down in any of the above. Interesting.
Niklaus Tent-ner. Funny haired legendary striker opens Copenhagen camping shop
Natty O’Flamini – well dressed second cousin of French hard man, found living in Dublin.
Jeremie Aliadi-mare
French striker reveals the torment he faces everynight.
In other news, former Arsenal striker purchases horse
Ah-less Sounder Song; Former gooner, now doing background ad libs for Barcelona choir.
Alex Bong Billabong
Alex Song, eventually bored with sitting on the bench, finally realises his true destiny by retiring to outback Australia, where he spends the long hot days and mild evenings pulling massive hits.
Frank Scrape-leton
Frank Stapleton involved in yet another public fracas as the latest of many call him out in the street for being a traitorous cunt.
Amaury Piss Off
After winning a Midfield Impersonator contest, Alberto Mendez Rodrigues files for a restraining order against second – placed Amaury, amid rumours of behind the scenes threats, judge – bribing and vote – tampering.
Bould Moves
Arsenal assistant manager bravely leaves his Mum’s house and gets a place of his own.
Constant Shaving
In this week’s Cosmo, Samir Nasri demonstrates his “how-to” guide for the perfect KD Lang haircut.
Soul Campbell
Former Arsenal defender gorges music career
*Forges music career. Not sure how gorging a career would work anyway
E-is-feld! – Arsenal & Germany wonder kid fails his English spelling test 6 times in a row.
It’s a no go!
Arsenal player warns his team mates about the training ground toilets following the clubs weekly curry night.