Tuesday, February 27, 2024

10 Fake Arsenal Tabloid Headlines – Part 2

The second in a series of fake tabloid headlines featuring puns on Arsenal player names – this time we’re including players from days gone by.

1 – Spank McLintock – former Arsenal skipper questioned over liaisons with dungeon mistress.

2 – John Divine – ex-Republic of Ireland full back to play overweight drag queen in new John Waters biopic.

3 – Charlie Gorge – doctors fear worst for 71 FA Cup hero after deep fried Mars bar addiction takes hold.

4 – Eddie Hop-good – full back learns to walk on one leg after left foot is eaten by wolves.

5 – Nelson Wee-vas – Argentine arrested for public urination on Buenos Aires street.

6 – Pal Lyderhosen – Norwegian Gunner strikes it big in Bavarian clothing market.

7 – Mannone Wire – Documentary follows Italian keeper’s attempts to walk a tightrope between skyscrapers.

8 – Wreh Charles and Eddie – Liberian striker gutted after discovering partner would indeed lie to him.

9 – Caravan Chamakh – Moroccan striker takes to living in mobile home after trauma of naked Pulis headbutt

10 – Pates Rates – Ex centre-back Colin joins forces with Andy Linighan to launch new budget plumbing service.

Yes, it’s a slow day.


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Wenger's mental strength

Mannone wire? haha. slow day indeed


Blogs, start a rumour or something because this no-news situation we have going on is getting boring. You can even write that Mrs. Blogs is a Sp*rs fan; something sensational if you catch my drift


Haha classic!


Robin Man Pursey.

Robin spotted donning the unfashionable 80s convienence bag. Says he uses it to store his tears and the little boy inside him.


When did all this happen?


Can we have a go, or will it affect future editions?

Emanuel Pet-eat – Ravenous pony-tailed French midfielder consumes own dog, with cous cous accompaniment.

Jimmy Karter – ex-wing wizard opens UK’s largest karting track in Deptford.

Tuba Akpom – fresh faced striker joins London Philarmonic brass section, for tour of Japan.

John Loo-itch – ex Gunners goalkeeper contracts bad dose of VD from dirty toilet seat.

Niall Quim – Irish beanpole striker, turned Sunderland Chairman undergoes sex change op, and will now only answer to the name “Brenda”.

Merlin's Panini

Time to recycle my efforts from last time then, while I think of some more:

Man-well Immunia

Former Arsenal goalkeeper discovers cures for terminal illness. He was good at something after all.

Alan’s Miffed : Heaven knows I’m miserable now

Former Arsenal striker still reeling over other striker called Alan Smith having existed.

Pull Dick-off

Former Arsenal midfielder and Oldham manager suffers horrific injury at home, alone.

Ping pong 4 Frimpong

Thierry On-me

Gunners legend foots the bill for expensive team meal

Merlin's Panini

Campbell’s hoop.

Former Arsenal striker and soup making legend Kevin brings out long awaited own brand of spaghetti hoops.

Merlin's Panini

Anders’s Limp Argh!

Former Arsenal midfielders bones fall out of his backside.

Ping pong 4 Frimpong

Samir Na$ri
Ca$hley Cole

No explanation needed

Merlin's Panini

Lee dicks son

… sorry.


The ones in the comments have all matched the genius of Mannone Wire! 🙂

Merlin's Panini

Assley Hole

It’s official: former Arsenal defender is stuck up his own arse.

Super top quality

Mannone Mission

Italian keeper to star in Spy thriller

Arseblogger's arsecrack

Arsebleurg – organic pattern often found on horseshoe-shaped thrones after bombastic diarrhoea.


Isn’t that the French language translation of this site?

Super top quality

Phillipe Fender-gloss

Defender seeks compensation for damaged car

Arseblogger's arsecrack

Arseblog Jews Hound – Dog owned by Arseblogger who reports before events happen with no rest except Hanukkah. Hated by Borat. Loved by Gooners. Envied by Spurs who show their love for him with racist chants every game.


Andrei Arse Shaven.

Zenit opt for futile attempts to shed weight for portley play maker.

(It hurt writing that, I loved that guy).

Arseblogger's arsecrack

Robert Pyres – majestic soot-pocketed vagabond. Lovechild of Guy Fawkes. Knows the feel of blue touch paper from regular. Loves: Apples. Dining. Fencing. Burgundy. Hates: Cold. Lilywhite. Cocks.

Super top quality

Sebastian Squeal-aci

French defender charged over noise disturbance


Neigh Parlour – tousle haired combative midfielder opens his first horse grooming salon.


Camper Van Persie. Robin parks outside Fergie’s house and refuses to leave til he comes back and rescues him from the Molyes hell…

Merlin's Panini


Nasri speaks.

Merlin's Panini

Sulk Amble

EXCLUSIVE: Former Arsenal defender walks about aimlessly in a bit of a strop.

Merlin's Panini

Djourou know what I mean?

Arsenal defender starts up Oasis covers band in Germany whilst out on loan.

Captain's Armband

Best one so far.


My favourite from the previous headlines

Hector Bell-End-Ring:
Arsenal youngster gets a “prince Albert”

(Yes, it was one of mine)


I know its a slow day because I’ve just noticed that there is not one single thumb down in any of the above. Interesting.

i want to boff bendtner and I'm not even gay

Niklaus Tent-ner. Funny haired legendary striker opens Copenhagen camping shop


Natty O’Flamini – well dressed second cousin of French hard man, found living in Dublin.

Super top quality

Jeremie Aliadi-mare

French striker reveals the torment he faces everynight.

In other news, former Arsenal striker purchases horse


Ah-less Sounder Song; Former gooner, now doing background ad libs for Barcelona choir.

Captain's Armband

Alex Bong Billabong

Alex Song, eventually bored with sitting on the bench, finally realises his true destiny by retiring to outback Australia, where he spends the long hot days and mild evenings pulling massive hits.

Captain's Armband

Frank Scrape-leton

Frank Stapleton involved in yet another public fracas as the latest of many call him out in the street for being a traitorous cunt.

Captain's Armband

Amaury Piss Off

After winning a Midfield Impersonator contest, Alberto Mendez Rodrigues files for a restraining order against second – placed Amaury, amid rumours of behind the scenes threats, judge – bribing and vote – tampering.


Bould Moves

Arsenal assistant manager bravely leaves his Mum’s house and gets a place of his own.

Captain's Armband

Constant Shaving

In this week’s Cosmo, Samir Nasri demonstrates his “how-to” guide for the perfect KD Lang haircut.

Super top quality

Soul Campbell

Former Arsenal defender gorges music career

Super top quality

*Forges music career. Not sure how gorging a career would work anyway

Ah le blanc

E-is-feld! – Arsenal & Germany wonder kid fails his English spelling test 6 times in a row.

Ah le blanc

It’s a no go!

Arsenal player warns his team mates about the training ground toilets following the clubs weekly curry night.

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