Thursday, May 30, 2024

The 10 things Arsenal need to do to get back on track

Arsenal’s season, despite only losing two three games, has been something of a struggle so far. In this massively researched piece we put together to the 10 things that will ensure they sort themselves out and probably win something or at least come close it.

1 – Score more goals

Although Arsenal aren’t having any real problems with goal scoring, they should consider scoring some more. You can never have enough goals so they should try harder to put the ball in the net.

2 – Concede fewer goals

Sometimes they just won’t be able to do number 1 (score more goals) so in those cases they only need to score some goals, or the same amount of goals, but if they let fewer goals in this would increase their chances of winning games and get more points on the board.

3 – Make more saves and blocks and that

If Wojciech Szczesny could throw himself about a bit more, and defenders could stop chances being created in the first place or throw themselves in front of goal-bound shots, then that would seriously help with point 2 which as we know also ties in with point 1. If Arsenal can get together a 1-2-3 combo then their results will improve dramatically.

4 – Cut out the injuries

What Arsene Wenger needs to do is ensure he signs players who never get injured. For a man with an economics degree not to have weighed up the idea of a genetic engineering programme that would provide the club with babies that have more robust muscles and dense bones – but which don’t come at the expense of speed, weight or mobility – is ludicrous.

A quick napkin calculation here shows that a Mesut Ozil injury over 12 weeks @£175,000 per week x time injured x points dropped % average industrial wage + two scientist salaries & test tube equipment = the square root of all the other injured players and using Pithanisaurus’s Theorem we can see the cost to Arsenal per year is somewhere in the region of £82,000,000.

Think what they could do with that money in the field of biomechanical sperm manufacture.

5 – Win more games

Arsenal have drawn 63.285% of their games this season. Wenger doesn’t seem to realise that you get more points for winning. If Arsenal could convert some of these draws into wins then they would be much higher up the table.

6 – Stop not buying defenders

Although Wenger bought two defenders in the summer – Mathieu Debuchy and Calum Chambers – he didn’t buy enough to cope with injuries and rotation and is now being forced to play Nacho Monreal at centre-half. It doesn’t take a genius to realise that he didn’t buy enough defenders and he should stop doing that and buy enough defenders from now on.

7 – Midfield issues have to be fixed

There was a time when Arsenal had a powerful midfield that was tall, strong, physically imposing and as tough as old boots. Now they don’t have that. What Wenger should do is go out and get a midfield that is tall, strong, physically imposing and as tough as old boots.

8 – Sort out the Joel Campbell situation

The Costa Rican forward has barely played for the club this season despite having a good 90 minutes in the World Cup 5 months ago. What has Campbell done to earn Wenger’s ire in the meantime? Was he overheard slagging off the manager’s favourite brand of muesli – a crime which saw Stefan Malz never given the chances he deserved.

If there’s one thing Arsenal lack right now it’s options in the wide-forward positions so to ignore a chap who scored a few goals in Greece seems crazy.

9 – Get help

Last season Liverpool used a sports psychologist to hypnotise players like Jordan Henderson into thinking they were actually quite good. Maybe the Arsenal manager should give Derren Brown or Tony Wonder a call and have them work their magic on his squad.

10 – Win things

All of Arsenal’s problems would be solved if they could just win the Premier League and the Champions League. That an experienced manager like Wenger hasn’t thought to just go and do that beggars belief but hopefully this article will point him in the right direction.

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For anyone not sure what inspired this, it’s some stupid “6-point plan for Arsenal to save their season” article that appeared in the Telegraph or something after, you know, Anderlecht. Bleedingly obvious and rather inane “points”.


I don’t think it’s inspired by just one article. Click here to find out why – the reasons will shock you!


Finally! Someone’s had the balls to come out and say what we’ve all been thinking…


Don’t presume that you speak for all of us.

I was thinking about the girl in the sandwich shops boobs. That’s not on the list.


*shop’s. Otherwise the girl is inside some sort of strange boobs that also contain sandwich shops.


How about: ‘…the boobs of the girl who works in the sandwich shop.’

Grammar where boobs are concerned = worth correcting.


did you get mayo all over your sandwich?

Robert Ochieng

Can she play DM!


It’s not like Wenger has said this himself…

Rambling Pete

When you see things broken down this well it’s maddening that we’re not already champions. It’s just so simple. I had a teacher like that once who would attempt to break down any problem into small, easy to remember chunks. For example, if we had to learn when Christopher Columbus discovered America he would say “Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492, now remember that you little wankers”, and we were all so afraid of him we’d remember instantly except Kevin Stanley, a sickly little boy who always had crusty snots around his nose. He would forget out of terror and… Read more »


I believe someone was looking for you.


Didn’t even have to read your name. A third of the way through the post, and I knew it was you.


Thank goodness at last a serious post with in depth analysis and pertinent comments. Welcome back Pete


Welcome home, sunshine.

red or dead

Oh Pete, I’ve missed you, you crazy bastard.


11. Employ Rambling Pete to record tapes that we play through a stereo system in the away teams locker room just before kick off and/or at half time if things aren’t going to plan. Baffle the fuck out of the unsuspecting fuckers, thus rendering our opposition dazed, confused and vulnerable. Do it Ivan, you know it makes nonsense.


Forgot to add, the reading of Rambling Pete’s ramblings should be conducted by Morgan Freeman (obviously).


They go: it’s the voice of GOD, but he’s talking fucking gibberish. ARRRRRRGGHHHH (Drown themselves in the relaxing pool)


Welcome back, we sent out a search party but they got lost…..

Biggus Dickus

Arseblog sign him up!

Robert Ochieng

Where the hell have you been! I love Arseblog but the comments section have been dour without you! Welcome back son.


The fuck r u talking about, mate?


Top quality analysis. #ArseblogIn #aha

Third Plebeian

The best part for me was the ad that appeared directly below the post: Wear Better Underwear.

I think we could add that to the list.


stop not buying defenders! 🙂 so funny blogs.
This is a perfect parody of a Telegraph piece I read last night

tony barber

Arsene Wenger doesn’t have a clue, or doesn’t care what to do, just collect’s his 8 mill each year for what. Sits there twiddling his fingers with his elastic bands make’s strange substitutions with 10 to 15 mins to go then storms of to make usual comments in interview.

Mark Hughes

Is that why he starts to look thin and stressed when things aren’t going well? Doesn’t seem like the look of a man that doesn’t care.


You just said it all Tony.


If sacking Wenger isn’t number 1 then the post in invalid.


You may have noticed the tag right under the title that says “Spoof.”

Speaking of which, Blogs, is there any chance you could remove/hide that? Ruined the surprise.

Giroud's abs

Have you considered emailing or faxing this over to Wenger? He might find it quite helpful. Or you could send it to Joel Campbell, not like he has anything better to do these days…


Imagine The Arsenal activating it’s midfield goalscoring-wise… (Ramsey, Wilshere, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Özil, Arteta, Rosicky).
We’d be like City last season – entertaining, fast, goalscoring, and stuff.
And, of course, without the nausea connected to watching City…

Dan the Arsenal Fan

This kind of in depth analysis is why I come to this site.


Your post may be sarcasm, but hiring Derren Brown to make the players experience extreme genital pain for every goal conceded will certainly fix all our defensive issues and make us more motivated. Blogs is spot on with the analysis.

Fit Gooner

Missed out on the fact that Ozil and Sanches don’t seem too keen to play on the same team. Someone should tell them they no longer playing their football in Spain.

Mark Hughes

Do you think Joel Campbell is quietly working with Johan Djourou so that he can take over as our financial correspondent?



Yankee Gooner

This list is useless without PowerPoint slides.


Was this written by that Chris “Simpsons Artist” guy?

bring in the younglings

Bonus Point : Make the Emirates a fortress.

Nacho de Montreal is tasty

I only care about item 10. How the club gets there doesn’t matter.

bring in the younglings

This thread has soooo much potential. You missed out on ‘Play Podolski as a striker’


I’ve just come off an Arrested Development binge, so the Tony Wonder bit was a nice touch there Blogs 😉

Hoosier Gunner

If Wenger says, “I wonder how I will fix my defenders up” and he appears from a dumbwaiter saying, “Did someone say Wonder?”


sometimes I think, all that’s missing is Highbury..slap me please somebody


We need to become more consistent

Right now we just keep doing the same thing over and over again

suker 4 punishment

what we also need to do is score more from set pieces, I think our creativity in set pieces is non existent. Cesc was the only guy I can remember who would try something a bit different,
surely it can’t be that hard can it ?


Nacho de Montreal is tasty

True, I go grab a beer when there is a set piece in our favour, come back and ask my son if we conceded a goal on counter attack. Sadly he says yes sometimes.


Alexis’s called bank shot off the wall was a new strategy. I’d like to see more of that. The end result anyway.


11. Get the players to jump higher, run faster, tackle harder,and dribble better than the opposition.


11. During the last few mins of a game while defending a lead, stop the opposition from building an attack by professional but anti-football acts like taking the ball to the opposition corner flag, fouling (not the red card category but the free kick ones) the opposition before the half way line to stop any counter attacks and we can get back in shape, kicking the ball straight from near our box out of play beyond the half way line!

Elementary as Sherlock would say. Sigh!

fresh prince

Or just get a new manager.


11. If football could be improved that easily we would be managed by Jürgen van Martinez (or whoever was flavour of the moment Mark III) by now.
12. It is much cheaper to fire a manager than replace an underperforming squad. It’s true!
13. In spite of his idiosyncracies, I trust Wenger as a manager more than I do my arm chair warrior reflexes.
14. Relax. We may underperforming to our abilities, but we are still the Arsenal, not some jumped up upriver shithouse!
15. Go back to Square One.


SHOCKING Exclusive about Arsenal shortcomings revealed to you exclusively! Bloggs you just earned yourself three million quid in consultancy fees (and the ire of the hom crowd for another price hike in the 2015/16 season). 😉


11. Wenger should try coaching from the sidelines especially when things aren’t going well rather than watching like any other fan or gesticulating at fourth officials.


11. Sack Wenger


Yeah hire Klopp or Pellegrini.

Whilst ahead of us in CL, the Rock and Roll German has his team at 16th in relegation zone after 10 games in the less competitive Bundesliga.

City have no shortage of physically imposing DMs but remain mere 3 points ahead in the PL and are at bottom of the pile in Europe.

Last season it was Michael Laudrup. Where he? Brendan Rodgers the genius maybe? Balotelli anyone? How about Roberto Martinez? or maybe that Spurs genius Ponchentino.

A bit of perspective.



You’re dead right, Santori. Let’s just stick with a loser manager who’s going nowhere.


I’ll give you credit, Down is not nowhere.

Now, back to the Levity!


I think Wenger has a bit of a conundrum between selecting either Monreal or Calum next to Metersecker. One player is trying his best but is out of position. The other has little experience. I think the thing that swings it in favour of Monreal is the fact that if Wenger plays Calum in the middle, he has to bring in Bellerin at RB which means two inexperienced players on the right flank. Most likely he will stick with Monreal. I don’t think he wants to tinker too much as we are already having issues in the back 4 through… Read more »


I think our issues are in details. On the broader end of things, it has been exacerbated by a lack of a CBack which should have been bought last summer. It has meant an unfamiliar backline which has impact on the rest of the team. Come January, Wenger knows he has to look into the market again for NOT cover but competition at Cback. Meterscielny are both 29/30 respectively. Hayden (and possibly Calum) are under 21. We need someone of quality around 23-25 with sufficient experience but good years ahead of them. I think we should look at the pair… Read more »


Campbell. I think the gaffer is caught in a bit of a “Damm if you do, damm if you don’t” scenario. On the one hand we castigate him for not rotating enough and maximising his assets. On the other hand when he does use the rest of the squad, he doesn’t quite get the results intended. Its as if he feels because we are so inconsistent at the moment, it is better to stick to a core group and let them play as much as possible to familiarise with each other rather than throw more spanners into the works. Podolski… Read more »

fresh prince

What a load of baloney


Score more.

I think that was what Wenger was thinking when he brought on Podolski and Rosicky against Anderlecht. It back fired. Had it worked, we would be lauding a bold move. As is, we are bemoaning a risk we would have castigated him for not taking.


Start hypnotherapy #lessonslearnedandstuff

Henry! Chance!! Goal!!!

I disagree with this list because you left out 3 of the most critical things they need.

1. Intelligence
2. Passion
3. Pride in wearing that red jersey


Perhaps we should start with the “tactical fouls” that all the other prem sides do.

Terrence Trent Diaby

Not a bad list, but having read a certain other Arsenal blog by mistake, I can’t help but notice it lacks the following;

1) Some complete guesswork presented as fact around injuries and sport science
2) Comparison between Wenger and whichever manager under the age of 50 has had a good fortnight (must include words like ‘relevant’, ‘energetic’ and ‘dynamic’)
3) Rampant strawmanning so that anyone who might not fully agree can be dismissed as being brainwashed or having their head in the sand
4) Mention of Dropbox

A Yank

Number six is actually good advice.


Joel Campbell chap who scored few goals in greece? 😀 😛


Hello everybody !
I still can not understand WHY Joel Campbell did not have HIS full chance until now…
Theo Walcott is back and Olivier Giroud would be back in a few weeks….I will not be surprised if Campbell really wants to leave in January ..I watch Arsenal’s games every weekend and I truly think that this player deserves to play more games…

alexis' shorts

Where have you been? Watching NBC sports for ITK commentary?
Work permit.

If that doesn’t make sense, then just google the phrase and add a certain Costa Rican’s name to it.

alexis' shorts

That or you actually believe the 2nd paragraph of point 8


in other news the great Lord bendtner scored a brace

King Henry XIV

Excerpt of article by Iain Macintosh ESPNFC It’s official: Arsenal are the most frustrating club in the world to support Moments after Arsenal’s extraordinary collapse this week, I tweeted my long-held view that they must be the most frustrating team in the world to support. Gunners fans were quick to agree, but others weren’t so sure. A stream of Tottenham and Newcastle fans begged to differ, while supporters of smaller clubs, including my own Southend United, were just as dismissive. But while those clubs and others have problems far more serious than anything ever suffered by Arsenal, the point still… Read more »


11- now Arsenal official site has started their campaign against Mesut Özil by forwarding an article from a blog on their page :

At LAST we know they don’t respect their best creative player anymore! So why would we, guys?


But I do respect Ozil, he can have a massive impact on the game, played @ no 10, as a playmaker. Get better soon Ozil, I want you back on the pitch. I fear he may leave at the end of this season if repeatedly played on the wings.

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