In the long distant past when man fashioned garments from whatever he could kill, the motivation was functional. Keeping the skin protected from the elements became a part of human nature so ingrained that it gave rise to the very modern phenomenon of nudity shame.
We all have the same bits, just in different shapes and sizes, but to display them publicly is not only seen as a humiliation but is, in many cases, a crime.
In the mid 1500s, a new epoch began. Typically it was in France. A small village called Craponne outside the settlement that would become the city of Lyon.
A young man was frustrated. Jean-Pol Parodie sat with his friends at a cafe bemoaning the restricted movement he had whilst wearing his sackcloth tunic.
“We are missing something,” he told them.
They looked on in bewilderment. What could they, in this modern age of enlightenment and burning of criminals, possibly be missing?
Jean-Pol paused. He looked at them, shaking his head. They simply didn’t get it. They didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand. Simpletons, country simpletons.
“SLEEVES, DARLING! SLEEVES!” he exclaimed as he thrust his arms through holes he had made in his attire the night before.
It was said for years afterwards that you could hear the collective gasp as far away as Saint-Genis-les-Ollières.
And so it is many years later that Arsenal and Puma have come together to honour this forward thinking father of fashion to create three kits all of which have sleeves.
One on each side for perfect aerodynamic thrust, the synergy of elbows and shoulders coupled with a holistic, centralized user-facing construct which allows players to sport this optimized uniform product, thus providing them with maximized process improvement and a robust, value-added array.
Coupled with an exciting development in pant theory, slicing them above the knee to create what will surely become known as ‘Not Longs’, and a revolutionary concept in foot sheaths, when the Arsenal take to the pitch next season they will do so with the knowledge that they – like Jean-Pol Parodie before them – have changed the world.
Jean-Pol Parodie was initially viewed as a heretic for his invention, and cast out, but when the first great French designer, Huguenot B’Os championed him he was welcomed back into society.
He documented his life in an autobiography called ‘Take it or sleeve it’, published by Manchot.