Saturday, June 22, 2024

Column: It’s going well for Reiss Nelson but hopefully he doesn’t become too German

Graham Dougan was a youth prospect at Arsenal in the 1970s but never quite made the grade, making his career in the upper echelons of the old division two. He was also a Scottish U25 international. He is a regular pundit on TV in Malta and Luxembourg, and an after-dinner speaker of some repute.

He writes exclusively for the site and we sure you continue to enjoy his keen and unique insight into the game. This week he looks at Reiss Nelson’s loan spell in Germany.

Although I’m getting on in years I’m a keen user of the social media and I can see that Arsenal fans are very excited about the development of Reiss Nelson. The young Englishman is literally on fire as we speak, his flames of football justice dispensing white hot punishment to opposition throughout the Bundestag.

So far he’s scored six goals in his loan spell at Hasselhoffenheim which is a great return when you consider the fact he’s only 18 years of age, and playing abroad. We all know there’s a universal language of football but for him to impress without even being able to understand whatever the German is for ‘Man on!’ or ‘Watch your house!’ makes it all the more impressive.

And yet there’s part of me that thinks he should be doing this in England for an English team in England. That might make me sound like a Lidl Englander, but that couldn’t be further from the truth as I’m half-Scotch, but at a time when the country really needs a boost wouldn’t Reiss Nelson be better than bringing back Wayne Rooney from the Major League MLS of Soccer to parade around the pitch like a hairy belly on legs?

There’s also the danger that he might like it there too much, perhaps fall in love with a German girl and defect to then later in his career get revenge for 1966 by scoring the winner in a World Cup final for his new country against the one that let him go so innocently to help him grow as a player and a person. Geoff Hirst and his son David would be rolling in their graves.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m not a fan of Europe. Aside from my villa in Benalmadena at which I spend the winter months and some time during the summer so I can get that lovely bronze base which makes me look so fit and healthy on Maltese TV, I prefer to stay ‘at home’ and when I’m ‘at home’ I like to be surrounded by my own kind of people. Which is why the south of Spain is so fantastic because it’s full of Brits who are not foreigners over there but expats and that’s an important distinction to make.

Back to Nelson though and the new Arsenal boss Unai Emerick must be wishing he had him in his squad right now after the terrible injury suffered by Dan E Welbeck. Although he has his son Pierre as one of his key strikers, the loss of Welbeck leaves a significant gap in the squad and the young man could have come in and made a difference. If he can score goals in Germany he can score them in England as Kevin Keegan, Tony Woodcock, Michael Ballacks and Pierluigi Casiraghi have shown before.

The Gunners have had a long tradition of bringing young players through who have been at the club from an early age, so it’s a surprise that Nelson hasn’t been given the chance to follow in the footsteps of Tony Adams, Michael Thomas and Periwinkle Groves. When you look at the squad now, there isn’t anyone who has come through the ranks and you always need that bit of homegrown element in any title winning squad.

Still, those players thrived at a time when Britain had a great, strong female leader in Maggie Thatcher and right now Theresa May is much less impressive so hopefully Nelson can take inspiration from Angela Merkin during his time in Germany. Let’s not forget that this is the country that gave us Falco, and maybe next year this exciting young footballer can rock the Premier League the way this great musician rocked Amadeus.

Until next time blog fans, and I do appreciate all the fan email you’ve been sending to the website which they pass on to me.

Your pal, Graham.

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I though Dan’s Dad was the ex bomb disposal guy – Stan?


This guy sounds like a complete wanker, not sure how he managed to fool Andrew Mangan to give space here.


It seems a sense of humour transplant is needed by some people.


@Martin,. To be honest with you Dougan seems to be that kind of bloke, the “know it all” . To compare he is for instance like indykaila – the fella in Liverpool working in KFC who has convinced half a million twitter followers that he is an ITK. But bloggs is a different kettle of fish altogether so quite bemused as to how he fell for this muppet. I would strongly urge Mr Mangan & team to do a thorough background verification check before employing any over smart tool like Dougan.


Emma the article is a complete spoof. I can’t believe you’ve been taken in by it. ???


Sure it’s a spoof, but it just isn’t funny.


My oh my, Emma, you’re even funnier than the article is!


Same thoughts here, Emma. While I understand this is supposed to be sattire and tongue in cheek,for me he comes across as someone with fairly regressive thoughts, who is trying to sugar coat it as humour and sattire. And I am slightly disappointed that blogs, who has kept such a high bar on content so far, is publishing this. Having said that, it could be a cultural thing too. Coming from India, maybe I am not exposed to the kind of sattire native English speaking folks indulge in. As some comments here have mentioned, I just don’t “get this” at… Read more »


Nah it’s just a bit shit.

Teryima Adi



“When you look at the squad now, there isn’t anyone who has come through the ranks and you always need that bit of homegrown element in any title winning squad.”


Cant believe this guy gets paid to write on here, I could do better myself.

It’s just because he’s Scottish I reckon.


so many mistakes in this article makes me thing this bloke is retarted or somethijng


You do realise that this article is not meant to be taken seriously?


Well, you managed to make five mistakes in one sentence. Six, if you count that you totally failed to see the article’s a spoof.

“Retarted” … does that mean he’s been put in a pie AGAIN?


@arsepedant, It’s bad enough that it happened once, but twice??? Shock and horror..

Burn Baby Burn

The comments on Dougan articles have become my favorite part of arseblog news


Too right. I was reading this thinking ‘this isn’t the best piece of work from Mr Dougan’… a little too obvious IMHO, and yet some are still falling for it!

Michael Bolton Wanderers

I love how he not so subtlety brings up some of his political views.
And really people should smell something fishy when they read that he’s a former Scottish u25 international

A Different George

I originally read this on my phone, where I can’t see the comments. Looked forward to reading the comments for hours. Not disappointed.

Dr Zebra

Haha indeed! In a world of “fake news” it’s fun watching fans deal with blatant satire


I can’t tell if some posters are really falling for it..or if they are double bluffing…like an extreme version of trolling


I can’t believe you think this is a spoof.

Ray from Norfolk, Virginia

But is it really a spoof? I suspect arseblog to be conducting something akin to the Stanford prison experiment on the readers.
Conspirationally yours, Ray.


Definitely! I think there needs to be a satire tag or disclaimer somewhere like those flashing image warnings

David C

haha, finally a comment I can actually reply too without hitting my head against the wall!!!!


I know you are joking, but to clear this up: FALCO WAS AUSTRIAN!
As an austrian i have to defend our cultural legacy.

….and Hitler was german!

A Different George

For a truly, truly, irrelevant reply: Hitler was born in Linz, his father was a minor Austrian official, and when he first ran for president of Germany, he had to obtain German nationality from a small state that had a Nazi government.


he was born in braunau but thank you, that was the obvious joke.

Lord Bendnter

Dan E Welbeck

I love the puns ?


I enjoy the way he mixes the silliness of “Hasselhoffenheim” with some solid, unquestionable facts like ”hairy belly on legs”.

Sodiq Adeniji

“When you look at the squad now, there isn’t anyone who has come through the ranks and you always need that bit of homegrown element in any title winning squad”
Alex Iwobi he’s on of our own.!!!


I can’t quite believe that people still don’t get this is tongue-in-cheek. The comments are almost as funny as Graham ‘one armed dishwasher’ Dougan

Runólfur Árni

First time comnent, long time fan.Grahams articles are the best thing that has happened to me since i startrd following arseblog. They give an insight into the good’ol days. Keep it up


Graham Dougal, such wonderful memories of him racing down the wing with his one arm. Always managed to pick out Richardo Sullivan in the box.


my only issue with Graham is that he doesn’t post quite often. another absolute gem. had a good laugh reading through


I feel half of the accolades Graham gets are from people feeling too proud of themselves for not being the other half that missed the sarcasm. But apart from that high-horse viewpoint, I don’t find it to be worth the hype half the comment section bestow on him nor do I find it as bad as the other half deride it to be.
His articles’ fate solely depend on peoples biases, may it be stupidity or superiority.


Frankly we could have used him in and around the squad this season. We are bereft of players of the quality that can match technical skills with pace. Iwobi is the closest at the moment able to engage and draw opponents out of position. The loan is good for Nelson and for us longer term but not good for us short term. As expected, with teams sitting deep (like Wolves) and effective and closing down passing channels, we struggle. We need another player to balance out Iwobi’s threat on one flank and also to back him up if in case… Read more »


Way to ruin the fun with a novel about Reiss Nelson and Arsenal football. To be honest, I only read the back cover.

Mesut O'Neill

Wow, you managed to write an essay without mentioning how great Mustafi is at blocking shots.



Oh Santi!!! Even when you comment on a spoof you manage to write an overblown dictat. Perhaps you could have commented on the Fawlty state of the British Hotel industry employing the likes of our blogger in their Torquay Towers.


Blogs, the intro is cut and pasted from Graham’s previous masterpiece. Fyi “This week he looks at the World Cup and England’s journey to the semi-finals.”

Emmerick’s son, Pierre…lol


We should expect more from this famous pundit


The the purpose of this article is humour, right??
Somethings don’t make sense.


*This* is why Arseblog News has become ReissNelsonNews. Where, oh where, has CarlosVelaNews gone?


And Rambling Pete…is seen ‘round these parts anymore?


It is astonishing that a man with this level of profound insight and detailed knowledge is not a permanent fixture of BT Sport punditry.


haha, I’m not a fan of Europe but… had me on the floor

Kwame Ampadu Down

A Stewart Lee fan arseblogger?

Brilliant as always Graham. Legend.


I understand the gags n wit n parody n stuff, but let me be clear here. I can write this article, but funnier. A cursory review of the site backs up my claim. Thumbs up thanks friends! ♡

frank csermak

I think there are some small errors in this article, like name spelling and so on. So it is little surprise that he got the origin of the awful song “Amadeus” wrong. The singer Falco is indeed Austrian and not german. Yeah i know, rarely does someone know Austria, this little piece of land in the middle of the alps ( we are the ones who can ski, btw) and since World War 2 it can get a bit confusing because that guy Hitler was born in Austria, yet he was the Nazi leader….


Cheeky. I like it!


Unbelievable that so many people still don’t get it ?

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