Monday, July 15, 2024

10 Fake Arsenal Tabloid Headlines – Part 1

The first in a new series of fake tabloid headlines featuring puns on Arsenal player names.

1 – Lukas Plodolski – Madcap German makes heroic citizen’s arrest. Wins praise from Met Police.

2 – Oi Cheque! Szczesny – Polish stopper embarrassed as payment to local merchant bounces back.

3 – Nacho Monorail – Spaniard determined to bring light transit system to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook.

4 – Poo-cash Fabianski – Arsenal keeper splashes out on new bathroom suite.

5 – I’m all right, Jacques – Wilshere to follow in Cousteau’s footsteps with daring underwater mission.

6 – Mess-it Ozil – Former Real Madrid man leaves hotel room in disarray after Champions League win.

7 – Sauron Ramsey – Welsh midfielder to guest star in stage version of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.

8 – Yo-Yo Sanogo – Teenager retires injured in first round of 2014 World spinning discs contest.

9 – Too much Ju-Young – Korean striker hits out at horny youths who choose not to use contraception.

10 – By the Short and Carlies! – Jenkinson opens Helsinki’s first male-only waxing salon.

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Sir Gnashbry – The young German receives a knighthood from the queen after saving Her Majesty’s Royal Corgies from a stray cat


+++ Arsenal fans: Oh no! Abou injured yet again. Experts now pondering Diaby-tis. +++

the ghost of LANS

how embarassing

the ghost of LANS

on a more relevant (and less shit) note:

arse end wenger:

arsene wenger uncharacteristically chins that scottish cunt off of sky sports news, putting him squarely on his arse end, for always asking shit, inflammatory questions at press conferences.


Bac Arry Lasagne

Bacary Sanga fined by the FA (because apparently they can do whatever they want) for mocking Redknapp about the Spud’s Lasagne scandal.


Merte – shag her..


Number 9 got me


Yup, humming The Specials already



Jack's Right Foot

Nacho Monorail got me pretty good.


The Simpsons references keep coming. Which I am happy about! I like the ‘hopped up on goofballs’ one yesterday. That was Wiggum to Ned Flanders I think?

Stefan Pereira

I’m not sure what to make of this, although I did enjoy the increasingly bizarre puns.


Mikel Art-Hater

Spanish midfielder goes on rampage at local museum.

Neutral Milk Hotel

Barren Ramsey
Welsh midfield star pulls a shocker by going bald.

Parked Chu-Wrong
Striker fined heavily for parking in handicapped zone.

Carl Junky-son
Arsenal defender’s mother on her frustration with son’s eating habits.

Mathieu Flamin’-knee
Midfield enforcer does his knee after repeatedly sacking John Terry in the nuts.


I can’t see a pun in Too much Ju-Young’s name. Isn’t that his real name?

Merlin's Panini

really? Too much too young?… no?… nothing?…

Not Dick Law

Steve Boulderdash.

Arsenal’s assistant manager rushes for cover after heavy rocks start around him.

Not Dick Law

*start falling




No.1 with that one!


Santi Cats-sore-lap The Diminutive Spainish Schemer gets into a scrape while petting a furry feline

Serge GrabbedMe – The young german is accused of inappropriate night club grope

Gillespie Road

To be fair to Nacho, it will put them on the map


Hah! Was looking for this comment.


Thumbs up to The Simpson’s reference in the Nacho Monorail story

The only Olivier is Giroud

Gi-rude Awakening: Arsenal striker exposes “Forever in our shadow” t-shirt after WHL hat-trick.


This is more like a movie title, with a sequel

Not Dick Law

Olivier GI Rude.

Arsenal striker in trouble after insulting American soldier.

Durham Gooner

Santi Cash-Whore-La! Arsenal midfield ace in call girl shame!

Durham Gooner

Tomas ‘Row-Sicky’-Czech midfielder’s Round the World canoe attempt called off due to sea sickness!


It’s Nacho Cheese Montreal – Spanish left back buys every bit of cheese in the Canadian city

Jack's Right Foot

Bacary La-Sagna –

– French defender confesses how his love for pasta based meals nearly ruined his career.

Jack's Right Foot

Didn’t see another lasagne based comment above. How embarrassing.


Trio Walcott – Theos missus gives birth to triplets!


From Peep Show, “Jeremy’s planning to sell the headline Three-o Walcott to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns 30.”

He's a blatant diver, but good at it

Love Peep Show. But not Peep Shows. Tried it once, not only were the booth walls slimy, but the glass, too. My girlfriend, who was in the next booth along, thought the same.

One does not want to risk wiping the glass in a Peep Show booth in order to gain a better view. Needless to say, we didn’t bother going again. For all we know our ex – Mathematics teacher could still be grinding away on the stage but we’ll never find out.

Me So Hornsey

‘Trio Wall Cot’ would have brought this from a C+ to a B-. It’s the little details that count…

Jack's Right Foot

Alex Ox-laden-Chamberlain –

– Arsenal winger recalls his father’s vicious training regime of making him carry cows on his back.


Alex Ox-third
Comes in last place in three way chewing contest between the OX,Cow and Sam Allardyce. The Cow was the runner-up.


Per Merteslacker- The big German gets the hairdryer treatment from Wenger for not practicing his free headers at open goals

Durham Gooner

Serge ‘Gnabbed Me!’- Burglar tells of foiled break in at German star’s home.

cannon & ball

Nick Nicked! – hoping we don’t have to see this one any time soon.


Perm Mertesacker – Arsenal defender in hairstyling change shocker.

cannon & ball

Super, super Per – he doesn’t stutter motherf·cker


Hector Bell-errrr-ring

Young Arsenal starlet confuses catholics at charity bell ringing contest.

Jack's Right Foot

Lukas Po-ho-ho-dolski –

– German forward reveals his desire to bring children presents at Christmas.


Alternatively – German forward does a Rooney

Gunner Mark

How long before they start appearing on Newsnow as exclusives?

He's a blatant diver, but good at it

….or Seriously, who writes their shit? This article’s closer to one version of the truth than they.

Reality check

You know it’s Friday when..


Theo Wal-crock – Pacy winger in intensive care after bashing head against wall over latest injury.


Meh-soot Öh-zil

German football professor gets stuck in chimney in Santa outfit.

Arsene's Zip

Arse-hen Wenger – Arsenal manager in hospital with poultry being removed from his bottom.

Jack's Right Foot

This made me laugh out loud. Brilliantly immature.

Alan Carter

Santi Ca-Zumba – Pint sized fan favorite tries to lift morale by hosting a Latin dance workout


Per mit to Sack Her – Lanky German defender gets cleared for unlawful sacking of polish housemaid

Arsene's Zip

Chubby Akpom – Arsenal loanee piles on the pounds after being benched at Brentford.


I do love Arseblog. When I’m bored at work, I just sneak into the staff room for a cheeky nip from my hip flask. Blogs actually gets creative.

Me So Hornsey

Thomas Pies Field – Part time farmer, genius vegetarian German starlet grows genetically modified Quorn-On-The-Cob as pie filler.

Baffler Meal

The third one was the best one.

He's a blatant diver, but good at it

….but number eight is closest to the truth.


a big ol’ lol coming your way


I’ll even give it a try myself

Jack. Will. Share! – Mother Wilshere puts her foot down: “The candy was for everyone!”


“Mathieu Phlegm-ini”

Arsenal’s pugnacious midfielder reveals his childhood battle against excessive mucus build-up


Rosticky-icky-icky – Gunner caught blazing with close friend and mentor Snoop Dogg


Kei-ran Gives: Arsenal star participates in London marathon for charity.


Theo Ball-cott

Theo caught balls deep in john terrys wife.

He's a blatant diver, but good at it


Liam Pirosicastle

Szczęsny Gawks!!

Arsenal stopper left speechless after witnessing Arsenal’s refusal to give up


Nicklas Bent-ner

Like Thomas Hitzlsperger, Nicklas finally comes out of the closet.



Arsenal’s transfer fixer discusses John Terry.

palace gunner

You can see who the jealous muppets are coyg

Merlin's Panini

Jack Will Shear

England international takes a pair of clippers to Alan Shearer’s ballbag.

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