The first in a new series of fake tabloid headlines featuring puns on Arsenal player names.
1 – Lukas Plodolski – Madcap German makes heroic citizen’s arrest. Wins praise from Met Police.
2 – Oi Cheque! Szczesny – Polish stopper embarrassed as payment to local merchant bounces back.
3 – Nacho Monorail – Spaniard determined to bring light transit system to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook.
4 – Poo-cash Fabianski – Arsenal keeper splashes out on new bathroom suite.
5 – I’m all right, Jacques – Wilshere to follow in Cousteau’s footsteps with daring underwater mission.
6 – Mess-it Ozil – Former Real Madrid man leaves hotel room in disarray after Champions League win.
7 – Sauron Ramsey – Welsh midfielder to guest star in stage version of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.
8 – Yo-Yo Sanogo – Teenager retires injured in first round of 2014 World spinning discs contest.
9 – Too much Ju-Young – Korean striker hits out at horny youths who choose not to use contraception.
10 – By the Short and Carlies! – Jenkinson opens Helsinki’s first male-only waxing salon.