10 Fake Arsenal Tabloid Headlines – Part 1

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Arsenal tabloid headlines

The first in a new series of fake tabloid headlines featuring puns on Arsenal player names.

1 – Lukas Plodolski – Madcap German makes heroic citizen’s arrest. Wins praise from Met Police.

2 – Oi Cheque! Szczesny – Polish stopper embarrassed as payment to local merchant bounces back.

3 – Nacho Monorail – Spaniard determined to bring light transit system to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook.

4 – Poo-cash Fabianski – Arsenal keeper splashes out on new bathroom suite.

5 – I’m all right, Jacques – Wilshere to follow in Cousteau’s footsteps with daring underwater mission.

6 – Mess-it Ozil – Former Real Madrid man leaves hotel room in disarray after Champions League win.

7 – Sauron Ramsey – Welsh midfielder to guest star in stage version of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.

8 – Yo-Yo Sanogo – Teenager retires injured in first round of 2014 World spinning discs contest.

9 – Too much Ju-Young – Korean striker hits out at horny youths who choose not to use contraception.

10 – By the Short and Carlies! – Jenkinson opens Helsinki’s first male-only waxing salon.

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James
James

Sir Gnashbry – The young German receives a knighthood from the queen after saving Her Majesty’s Royal Corgies from a stray cat

AFC
AFC

+++ Arsenal fans: Oh no! Abou injured yet again. Experts now pondering Diaby-tis. +++

THEREISBEARCUM
THEREISBEARCUM
the ghost of LANS
the ghost of LANS

how embarassing

the ghost of LANS
the ghost of LANS

on a more relevant (and less shit) note:

arse end wenger:

arsene wenger uncharacteristically chins that scottish cunt off of sky sports news, putting him squarely on his arse end, for always asking shit, inflammatory questions at press conferences.

GunnAlex
GunnAlex

Bac Arry Lasagne

Bacary Sanga fined by the FA (because apparently they can do whatever they want) for mocking Redknapp about the Spud’s Lasagne scandal.

Gunman
Gunman

Merte – shag her..

Daniel
Daniel

Number 9 got me

morbius
morbius

Yup, humming The Specials already

Attasmani
Attasmani

What?

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

Nacho Monorail got me pretty good.

shuggietodd
shuggietodd

The Simpsons references keep coming. Which I am happy about! I like the ‘hopped up on goofballs’ one yesterday. That was Wiggum to Ned Flanders I think?

Stefan Pereira
Stefan Pereira

I’m not sure what to make of this, although I did enjoy the increasingly bizarre puns.

Daniel
Daniel

Mikel Art-Hater

Spanish midfielder goes on rampage at local museum.

Neutral Milk Hotel
Neutral Milk Hotel

Barren Ramsey
Welsh midfield star pulls a shocker by going bald.

Parked Chu-Wrong
Striker fined heavily for parking in handicapped zone.

Carl Junky-son
Arsenal defender’s mother on her frustration with son’s eating habits.

Mathieu Flamin’-knee
Midfield enforcer does his knee after repeatedly sacking John Terry in the nuts.

Rambö
Rambö

I can’t see a pun in Too much Ju-Young’s name. Isn’t that his real name?

Merlin's Panini
Merlin's Panini

really? Too much too young?… no?… nothing?…

Not Dick Law

Steve Boulderdash.

Arsenal’s assistant manager rushes for cover after heavy rocks start around him.

Not Dick Law

*start falling

paddlejack
paddlejack

Nonsense!

rawgooner
rawgooner

No.1 with that one!

Double98
Double98

Santi Cats-sore-lap The Diminutive Spainish Schemer gets into a scrape while petting a furry feline

Serge GrabbedMe – The young german is accused of inappropriate night club grope

Gillespie Road

To be fair to Nacho, it will put them on the map

Norwad
Norwad

Hah! Was looking for this comment.

Craig

Thumbs up to The Simpson’s reference in the Nacho Monorail story

The only Olivier is Giroud
The only Olivier is Giroud

Gi-rude Awakening: Arsenal striker exposes “Forever in our shadow” t-shirt after WHL hat-trick.

Chaplin35
Chaplin35

This is more like a movie title, with a sequel

Not Dick Law

Olivier GI Rude.

Arsenal striker in trouble after insulting American soldier.

Durham Gooner
Durham Gooner

Santi Cash-Whore-La! Arsenal midfield ace in call girl shame!

Durham Gooner
Durham Gooner

Tomas ‘Row-Sicky’-Czech midfielder’s Round the World canoe attempt called off due to sea sickness!

Ammo
Ammo

It’s Nacho Cheese Montreal – Spanish left back buys every bit of cheese in the Canadian city

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

Bacary La-Sagna –

– French defender confesses how his love for pasta based meals nearly ruined his career.

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

Didn’t see another lasagne based comment above. How embarrassing.

Max
Max

Trio Walcott – Theos missus gives birth to triplets!

Andrew Allen
Admin

From Peep Show, “Jeremy’s planning to sell the headline Three-o Walcott to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns 30.”

He's a blatant diver, but good at it
He's a blatant diver, but good at it

Love Peep Show. But not Peep Shows. Tried it once, not only were the booth walls slimy, but the glass, too. My girlfriend, who was in the next booth along, thought the same.

One does not want to risk wiping the glass in a Peep Show booth in order to gain a better view. Needless to say, we didn’t bother going again. For all we know our ex – Mathematics teacher could still be grinding away on the stage but we’ll never find out.

Me So Hornsey
Me So Hornsey

‘Trio Wall Cot’ would have brought this from a C+ to a B-. It’s the little details that count…

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

Alex Ox-laden-Chamberlain –

– Arsenal winger recalls his father’s vicious training regime of making him carry cows on his back.

Comedian
Comedian

Alex Ox-third
Comes in last place in three way chewing contest between the OX,Cow and Sam Allardyce. The Cow was the runner-up.

NorthLondonKings
NorthLondonKings

Per Merteslacker- The big German gets the hairdryer treatment from Wenger for not practicing his free headers at open goals

Durham Gooner
Durham Gooner

Serge ‘Gnabbed Me!’- Burglar tells of foiled break in at German star’s home.

cannon & ball
cannon & ball

Nick Nicked! – hoping we don’t have to see this one any time soon.

John
John

Perm Mertesacker – Arsenal defender in hairstyling change shocker.

cannon & ball
cannon & ball

Super, super Per – he doesn’t stutter motherf·cker

Ben
Ben

Hector Bell-errrr-ring

Young Arsenal starlet confuses catholics at charity bell ringing contest.

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

Lukas Po-ho-ho-dolski –

– German forward reveals his desire to bring children presents at Christmas.

Neder
Neder

Alternatively – German forward does a Rooney

Gunner Mark
Gunner Mark

How long before they start appearing on Newsnow as exclusives?

He's a blatant diver, but good at it
He's a blatant diver, but good at it

….or Goal.com. Seriously, who writes their shit? This article’s closer to one version of the truth than they.

Reality check
Reality check

You know it’s Friday when..

Neder
Neder

Theo Wal-crock – Pacy winger in intensive care after bashing head against wall over latest injury.

Ben
Ben

Meh-soot Öh-zil

German football professor gets stuck in chimney in Santa outfit.

Arsene's Zip
Arsene's Zip

Arse-hen Wenger – Arsenal manager in hospital with poultry being removed from his bottom.

Jack's Right Foot
Jack's Right Foot

This made me laugh out loud. Brilliantly immature.

Alan Carter
Alan Carter

Santi Ca-Zumba – Pint sized fan favorite tries to lift morale by hosting a Latin dance workout

Lanesra

Per mit to Sack Her – Lanky German defender gets cleared for unlawful sacking of polish housemaid

Arsene's Zip
Arsene's Zip

Chubby Akpom – Arsenal loanee piles on the pounds after being benched at Brentford.

Exiledgooner
Exiledgooner

I do love Arseblog. When I’m bored at work, I just sneak into the staff room for a cheeky nip from my hip flask. Blogs actually gets creative.

Me So Hornsey
Me So Hornsey

Thomas Pies Field – Part time farmer, genius vegetarian German starlet grows genetically modified Quorn-On-The-Cob as pie filler.

Baffler Meal
Baffler Meal

The third one was the best one.

He's a blatant diver, but good at it
He's a blatant diver, but good at it

….but number eight is closest to the truth.

Swedegunner
Swedegunner

a big ol’ lol coming your way

Swedegunner
Swedegunner

I’ll even give it a try myself

Jack. Will. Share! – Mother Wilshere puts her foot down: “The candy was for everyone!”

paddymac
paddymac

“Mathieu Phlegm-ini”

Arsenal’s pugnacious midfielder reveals his childhood battle against excessive mucus build-up

Swedegunner
Swedegunner

Rosticky-icky-icky – Gunner caught blazing with close friend and mentor Snoop Dogg

Mimir
Mimir

Kei-ran Gives: Arsenal star participates in London marathon for charity.

Denis
Denis

Theo Ball-cott

Theo caught balls deep in john terrys wife.

He's a blatant diver, but good at it
He's a blatant diver, but good at it

Best.

Liam Pirosicastle
Liam Pirosicastle

Szczęsny Gawks!!

Arsenal stopper left speechless after witnessing Arsenal’s refusal to give up

Denis
Denis

Nicklas Bent-ner

Like Thomas Hitzlsperger, Nicklas finally comes out of the closet.

Ben
Ben

“Dick”

Arsenal’s transfer fixer discusses John Terry.

palace gunner
palace gunner

You can see who the jealous muppets are coyg

Merlin's Panini
Merlin's Panini

Jack Will Shear

England international takes a pair of clippers to Alan Shearer’s ballbag.